Random Thoughts

This is the first time that I didn't have a title before starting to write, which means that this blog post is probably going to become random at some points, because my thoughts are all over the place. I probably should be resting since I just got out of the hospital today. I spent a day and a half stuck in a cold room, with fluids being pumped throughout my body. I don't have anyone to blame for that other than myself, because if I'm being truthful...I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I'm not eating, I'm working out like crazy and I'm super focused on work, another thing is sometimes I get so tired of worrying about myself. I can't afford to do that, but sometimes things just get out of hand and I want a break from having to worry about what i'm eating...when I'm eating and how much i'm eating. So for me...it's easier to just forget about eating, but when that happens I end up with low blood sugar and....in the hospital. 

I'm so out of it lately, like...I don't care about anything....

Neurotic Insecurity

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. -Robert A. Heinlein

Play Things, Trust and Pissed Off Friends

This blog post for the most part is pretty comical and if you are in my "trust circle" you have probably read parts of it on my private twitter account. Anyway, last night I received a phone call from Yuta's "flavor of the month" <--ha ha I make him sound like such a man-whore. He really isn't though! Well, that phone call was very interesting, because this girl starts off yelling at me in japanese, and I didn't understand much of what she was saying, because I don't speak japanese...obviously, and she made it even more confusing when I tried to stop her and ask her what she was talking about, because then she started throwing in random english words that didn't quite make sense. The best I came up with was "who are you? why is your number in yuta's phone? how do you know him?" I'm sure there were some colorful words within and in between those sentences, but I won't mention it here. LOL. She didn't give me a chance to try and explain, because I started laughing...like uncontrollable, tears in my eyes laughing and then she called me something(i'm sure it was bitch) and hung up the phone.

Anyway, I debated for a little while if I should let Yuta know that she called me, and I decided that I would. I also decided that since I know him like the back of my hand and I know that how he handles the situation is going to depend mostly on how I reacted towards the disrespect...soooooo...I decided to pretend that I was really upset, and I put on a show....a really good one. By the time I was finished screaming at his face through Skype and telling him how much his taste in women sucked and that he should really think about dating more mature and secure women, he said that he was going to call her and tell her that they couldn't talk anymore. This is where I stopped and well the conversation went a little something like this:

Me: "okay, okay...I'm joking. I'm not upset. I actually laughed. Did you really think that I would really be that upset about it when it's happened before?"
Yuta: "hell, i don't know. I would have been upset, so I figured that you would be too."
Me: "It's never happened to you so you don't know anything, loser."
Yuta: "I guess you're right, but still I don't like that shit"
Me: "Calm down geez....just tell her that I'm your best friend, i don't mean any harm and I'm absolutely not a threat...standard procedure, you know the drill buddy."


here is where the conversation gets a little sticky and as I often have to do...i laughed his statement off and ended the conversation.

Yuta: "...but what if you are a threat? You could be one if you really wanted to."

I know what he means by that and he knows that I know, but I would never allow his hope to be the sole reason why he stops talking/dating a girl. That's extremely selfish and I'm not that much of a bitch. lol

This is maybe the 2nd time this has happened since he moved to Japan. It happened more frequently when he was living here. I don't let it get me upset and I won't argue with the girl's, because quite frankly it's an issue that they have within themselves. It has nothing to do with me. Maybe it's the comfort level that we have and how we play around, or maybe I just seem bitchy...i don't know. LOL Sure the nickname he puts under my name in his contacts doesn't help, but I have no control over what he puts in his phone. Sure, the amount of time we spend on the phone and on Skype can be excessive, and I'm not saying that I don't understand them completely. I know that it must be hard to have a boyfriend or even attempt to start up a relationship with a guy who has a female best friend. I can sympathize with that fact. What I can't understand is how some girls can be so insecure, especially since I am thousands of miles away for most of the year. I try to let them know upfront that I'm not around to cause any harm or hinder their relationship with Yuta, but apparently that doesn't work for long, because 3 months into the relationship, according to one of his ex girlfriend's I turn into "the evil bitch who must be destroyed". I noticed that it's more of a girl thing and not a guy thing, because my ex-boyfriend's have never had this feeling towards Yuta. He even still talks to one of them and they are really good friends. Am I friend's with any of Yuta's ex's? ummm....cordial with 1 and the rest cause me to have to watch my back when I visit Japan, because I'm convinced they are hiding in some bushes ready to try and cut me. LOL.

Wow...this is longer than expected and I should probably shorten this, because it's a lot for someone to read and it probably makes no sense anyway! LOL...Bye!

Thinking...

Things have been weird lately. I have my good days or good moments, but i'm still stressed. I wish I could let  some of you into my life. I need an outsiders point of view, maybe then I could find out what i'm doing wrong, or what I'm doing right. I've been trying to live with determination lately and for the most part I've been succeeding, but someone keeps appearing in my life at the most inopportune times. It's a weakness of mine, and I try to tell myself that I'm never going to get ahead if I keep looking back. Why is it that your mind is willing to push aside the horrible memories and dwell on the good times? It's so weird, because the horrible memories are more prevalent than the good and the horrible came more often than the good, so why does my mind seem so eager to disregard that fact? I don't know, I guess deep down I'm searching for something and running from something at the same time. If I stopped running and just gave in, there is a possibility that my life would be so much brighter, but there is an equal possibility that my life could come crashing down around me and all the assurance in the world can't make me feel comfortable with taking that chance....not yet.

Good News...No!...Great News!

Ahhhhhhh! This post has taken me a few hours to write, because I had to calm down and compose myself, because it was something that I wasn't expecting...at all! I'll try to get right to it, but excuse me if I start to ramble a bit, because I'm still not quite sure if I have my thoughts all the way together! Anyway, you all know (well, if you're reading this and I know you...you know) that Yuta, his mom and dad all come to visit 2 times a year. It's usually once from August to September and again from December to January. Yuta left earlier this year, because he had planned to visit the host family we stayed with when we did a year abroad in Spain for university, but his parents stayed here with me, because they are sweet like that.

First part of good news: My mom convinced Yuta's dad to leave his wife here when he returns to Japan at the end of this week. I don't know how she pulled that off, because he can't stand being away from her. They are the sweetest couple I know :)...that brings me to....

Second part of good news: Did you really think that Yuta's dad was going to leave his wife here from September until December without seeing her? No wayyyy....Yuta and his dad are coming back at the end of October and they decided to stay from October 30th until the end of January at which time they will be leaving Yuta here until the beginning of March.  How can they stay away from work that long? Well that brings me to....

Third part of good news: Yuta's dad owns a bank and he presented the idea to his partner that they should open a branch here, and it turns out that my parents have been keeping a huge secret from me, because they have closed a deal on a space and everything is close to being complete! I was wondering why he was pushing Yuta to take all these business classes and accounting seminars and it turns out that Yuta and Eito (the business partners son) will be taking turns in overseeing the bank 6 months at a time...cool thing about Eito....he's dating Katsumi....part of my "Japanese trifecta-Emiko, Miyako and Katsumi" my baby girlssss. So, during the months that Eito is here, Katsumi is going to come once a month!

I don't think anyone can comprehend any of this right now and I'm not sure if I can either, but one thing that I do know is that I'm so incredibly happy. This will give me time to explore my relationship and figure out if I want to take the next step. Well, I'm going to stop now, because I only intended for this blog post to be like 10 lines long! OOPS! LOL

Until next time~

Stress & Trying to Overcome It

I wish that this could be a happier blog post, but that's not the case....so I'll just let it out, and pray that I find some kind of relief or comfort from doing this. Things have been tough on me for the last 3-4 weeks, but I've perfected the art of the "fake smile". I can fool almost anyone, if I try hard enough no one would ever know about my internal struggles. I'm so good at it that I can sometimes fool myself. That's kind of scary, but at the same time...to me...it's a comfort, at least while it lasts. The thing is...it never lasts forever, there is always that one quiet moment where things are calm, and then the huge wrecking ball comes out of nowhere and smashing through the wall of fake smiles and happiness. It's happening more frequently lately and I'm truly so terrified of completely losing myself. What happens when I can no longer fake it? What is that going to feel like? What is that going to look like? Who is going to help me out of the darkness? Will I want to come out of it? Will I be so far gone that there is no turning back? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers and that is why I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping, and I'm withdrawing from everyone. When did this all start? What triggered it? I made a earlier blog post about certain people not realizing what they have done to me. I get so angry when I think about those people, because i'm destroyed, I'm in pieces, but I can't only get angry at them, because in my mind...I accepted the abuse. I didn't get out when I had the chance. I let them do this to me, and I know that. I'm just trying my hardest to get past it.

I'm a slave to my emotions. It's been a rough few weeks, but it's gotten worse these last couple of days. I've been really distracted. I've been really moody, really quiet and finding tears running down my face without even realizing it. I can't really talk about this with anyone which is why i'm writing this out. No matter how I try to map things out and try to figure it all out...I can't come up with a solution. The stress is work related, friend related, family related and health related. Trying to cope with all these different stresses is hard. I can't sleep, because my mind is constantly going...what are you going to do about this?...what are you going to do about that?....what happens if?....what happens when?....it's so exhausting, and in my mind I'm screaming for the thoughts to stop, but they never do. I can feel myself becoming a burden to people and if you have never experienced that, I have to tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is continue to talk to God and pray. I'm not praying that he makes all of my problems disappear, because I know that there is a reason why I'm going through this right now....what do I pray for?...I pray that God helps me face the fear, but not feel scared. I don't want to know what comes next, I just want to be ready for it. Whatever it is that God as planned for me, I don't want to fear it. Whoever is reading this...thank you. I could use some positive energy, thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that whatever any of you are going through in your life, that you get through it, and come out the other end a stronger and better person. 

Until next time....

Wild Horses

I was working on a new dance piece and this was on the cd my mom made for me, and I think I got about half way through before I completely broke down. Why?....simple, it describes how I wish I was and what I wish I could do. I think I finally found a song for my duet demo. Let's hope the tears don't appear on the stage. :)

The Sad Thing Is...

They don't truly know what they've done to me, what they have turned me into....

Birthday Surprises: Day/Night out with Friends

Here are some of the pictures from the day/night I spent out with some of the people who mean the most to me!

 First thing on the list of things to do was an early afternoon session of glow bowling. We had a few drinks before we started playing which will explain the horrible scores in the picture below! LOL

 The letters represent our nicknames, and I'd be killed if I revealed them! haha, all I'll say is that I was #4, I was the only one who was able to use my real name (perks of entering everyone's information) :)

 Above are the shoes that I wore out for the night. I love that they are comfortable and it helps that they are really cute too!

 Dinner, Napa Valley Burger and Garlic Mash....so yummy!

 We left Granite City Eatery and went to buy lobsterita's! There is however no lobster in this drink...that would be gross!

 Let me explain something....when we go out to dinner, we hardly ever stay the same place for dinner, drinks and dessert. We usually go to different places, because we're picky like that. LOL...this brownie was amazing by the way!

This was at the Hard Rock Cafe where we met up with my bestie from here and my godson and daughter. This is called a Poolside Sipper and it was all sorts of good.

Last but not least is a compilation of the gifts I received from Emi and Miya. the shoes are unbelievable!

Birthday Surprises: Day out with Yuta

First I'll start off by saying that I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents (all 4 of them) and some pretty awesome friends. They made this weekend so very special for me and more than I could have ever asked for. The greatest gift had to have been when I showed up at my parent's house on Friday and sitting in the living room was Miyako and Emiko.  The only one missing was Katsumi, but she had a couple lectures to give at the school she teaches at. In order to keep it neat, this will be split into 3 different post. First post: Spending the day with Yuta.

 Started the day before my birthday with Yuta making me breakfast. It was sooo good, and he surprised me, because the last time he tried to cook, it didn't turn out well at all! I appreciated this and it was an amazing thing to wake up to! <3 p="p">

 After breakfast I was instructed to dress in something comfortable and be ready at 2pm. I asked where we going, but I was told it was a surprise and not to ask where we were going at any point that day, because he wasn't telling. He grabbed some blankets, a couple wine glasses, fruit, cheese and a bottle of wine and we set off on the walk to the park. I go to "Shakespeare in the Park" every year, but I didn't know when it was this year. I think I squealed and jumped around a bit when we turned the corner and I saw that Henry V was playing this year. The show was beautiful and the company was great. It was a really good afternoon and one that I won't soon forget.

 After coming back from the park, Yuta dropped me off at Pigalle Salon & MedSpa. He told me that our parent's  had already taken care of everything and to give my name at the front desk and they would handle the rest and he would be back to pick me up for dinner in 3 hours. My first thought was "what the hell am I really going to be doing here for 3 hours?!?", but I was treated to a deep tissue massage, seaweed body wrap,  mini facial, mani and pedi. It was beyond glorious! He came to pick me up and we went to get dinner and by that point I was starving so as soon as the food was put in front of me, I demolished it, which is why you only get a picture of dessert! haha

 No long explanation needed for this picture. This was one of the gifts Yuta bought me, and as you can see...I started eating them before I remembered to take a picture. LOL...they were the most delicious chocolate covered strawberries. I liked the milk chocolate one's the best, because the white chocolate one's were a little extra sweet.

 Now, for the end of the night.....I was surprised with a water show. It's been forever since this fountain has been opened, and it just so happened to open on my birthday weekend. I've included a video at the end of this post so that you can get the full experience...well at least like 55 seconds of it! LOL...I enjoyed the little kids who were watching it with us. :)

What a way to end an amazing day and I couldn't have been more grateful and thankful to have spent it with a guy who would give me the world if he could. My best friend who has always been there to help, listen, frustrate and annoy me. :) 

......and thanks to my parent's for being able to keep a secret.....lol

Next post coming up.....

No Matter...

...how tight he holds me, how many encouraging words he says....the tears won't stop falling....

Best Thing I Never Had...

...and I will always be the best thing you never had....

Today....

...was a beautiful, drama-free, relaxing day. I couldn't have asked for more.

Just When I Thought...

I thought that I solved the issues between CJ, Yuta and my dad. I thought I had extinguished that fire....man, was I wrong.


Things got better on Saturday when I decided to force some "male-bonding time" on them by making CJ and Yuta go golfing with my dad. CJ was sweet about it and was a good sport even though he really doesn't have an interest in golf. My dad acted like an adult and started to teach CJ the in's and out's of golf....I thought everything was good....I was wrong.


Saturday night we were all over my parent's house and we were having dinner and things were pretty quiet which is unusual, because usually it's very lively around the dinner table. My mom was being lukewarm towards CJ, like she was tolerating him, but she wasn't happy about it. My mom is usually such a sweetheart, but when she gets those "mom-knows-best-and-he's-not-right-for-you" feelings there is really nothing you can do, but hope that she'll eventually warm up to the idea....sigh.... I don't even know where to start with her, and I can imagine that it's only going to get worse when Yuta's mom arrives on Thursday. Get those two together and on the same team and there is bound to be trouble. Well, anyway...My mom was being extra sweet towards Yuta and using her limited Japanese she asked him what he thought about CJ. I thought that this was extremely rude, because you don't use a language at the dinner table that not everyone can understand (I swear sometimes, I feel like the only adult in my family). Anywho, from what I heard from Yuta's response it was not really nice. All I was able to catch was "wakawakashii", and "ketsunoana". Which are pretty bad insults. It's rude, but I couldn't really correct Yuta, because CJ has also said some pretty mean things about Yuta...As I said, I thought everything was fine....wrong, I was.


Sunday was a turning point, I had really had enough of them bickering, arguing and throwing insults around so I blew up...I mean, total level 10 bitch fit. I told them both to leave my house and not to come back until they felt like they could be mature adults and stop playing the "I'm more important than you" game. They were shocked and stunned when they left, but I thought I had gotten my point across (I need to stop thinking obviously). Yuta came back and apologized, CJ called and apologized, but said that it'd probably be better if he didn't come back over that night. I wasn't going to argue so I just left it alone. Crisis adverted...right???....WRONG!


Today, it's a beautiful Monday. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, all the elements that make a day perfect. I did some running around this morning and came home to take a quiet nap and just relax. Plan was a success until my parents called and said that they had gotten off of work early and wanted to know if I wanted to bring Yuta and CJ for lunch at New Seoul Garden. I really didn't want to go, because I ate a lot of junk food this weekend and really messed up my diet, but the sushi was calling for me so I bit the bullet and decided that this one meal wouldn't hurt (bad decision).....


We arrived at the restaurant and everything seemed okay, everyone was making polite conversation while we waited to be seated. The waitress comes and I immediately want to run out of the restaurant and not look back. Here's a little back story on this waitress...every time I come to NSG with Yuta she has always assumed that we were a couple. I don't play along with her, but Yuta sometimes does. So, now every time I've been in there she asks me when my "boyfriend" is coming back to the States. Can you see why I wanted to run? So now in a room, you have...me, my mom, my dad, yuta, cj (if you haven't guessed by now, we're dating) and a delusional waitress who thinks that Yuta is my boyfriend...there was no way that this was going to turn out good...at all. 


As soon as we sat down, she parts her lips and says: "oh, so your boyfriend is back in town. I just love you two. You are just the cutest couple. I've missed you guys coming in together!" I swear if I could have dug a hole and buried myself I would have. I looked around the table and everyone was smiling or laughing....except CJ. Uh oh...I guess I forgot to let him in on the joke. Lunch went by pretty smoothly, but as soon as I dropped my parents and yuta off, CJ exploded with accusation after accusation about how it's impossible for girl's to just be friends with boy's and Yuta and I must have had something going on for the waitress to assume that he was my boyfriend and yada yada yada. I didn't respond....I calmly got out of the car, shut the door and left him outside. I don't respond well to yelling and arguing and I'm not going to participate in it. I haven't heard from him since then, and I don't know what I'm going to say to him, but I do know that we are going to have a serious talk about accusing me of things that he doesn't have proof of. Yuta is staying quiet, my mom is as vocal as ever, my dad heard him yelling at me so he's mad....wow....
Just when I thought it was getting better.....

Thinking of You

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction. 

If Women Ruled The World.

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other."

The Reason He Is Irreplaceable...

...because in those really hard moments where I hate being a girl, he doesn't ask questions, he doesn't freak out,  he just gets me what I need and with a pat on the back and a grin  he says "hang in there!" and gives me my space. Who could ask for a better best friend?....that is why he is irrevocably irreplaceable. :)

He made me tea, bought pain meds and loaded music to my ipod. 

My Favorite Place

....is in moments like this....with you....

Turning Page

Sweet lyrics.....


"Though we're tethered to the story we must tell, when I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well."

If It Comes Down To It.....

I'll pick him over you....

Only One

Loving this <3

The song, the dance, the diversity, her voice, everything is simply....perfection! Enjoy it....

Music...

I've been analyzing music a lot differently lately and I'm coming to find that I'm becoming more interested in music and artist that not many people would listen to, or they are too caught up in the big named artist, or they put too much value on the looks of the band. I'm not going to lie....I've been guilty of that and sometimes I still am, but I'm finding more and more each day that it's the artist that I rarely hear about that are really amazing to me. So....close your eyes and open your ears and judge music on the way that it feels and not the way that it looks....

Insecure....

"Insecurity is an ugly thing, it makes you hate people you don't even know." -unknown





Sigh....it feels like it's ending before it really gets started. I had a 2 hour conversation with CJ yesterday about his worries. He's freaked out and worried about Yuta's visit on Thursday. I wish my aunt never told him about how Yuta and I interact, because now he's being insecure. He's saying negative comments about Yuta and has never met him. I know that it's just the insecurity talking but it's not right. I really don't know what to tell him that would make him feel better, but I'm kind of feeling like it's not my job to coddle him and treat him like a child. We are all adults. I should not have to act weird around someone I've known for almost 20 years, just because you aren't secure. Yuta doesn't know about any of this, and now I'm worried about how his visit will turn out. Yuta has always gotten along with the guys I've dated, but somehow I feel like that won't be the case this time. The worst things you can be around Yuta is insecure and jealous. He smells it and feeds on it and it never turns out well. Hopefully it all turns out okay and I don't end up in between a fight, caused by silly insecurities....

Do You Have Butterflies?

I can't control it....

A Matter of Opinion

It's so hard trying to explore the possibility of starting a new relationship when you know deep down that your parents don't agree with your choice. My friend told me that I should just ignore how they feel and continue to live my life the way I want to, but how can I ignore the feelings of the people who have done the most for me? What I'm struggling with the most is their reasoning behind their disapproval. It's all because, in their minds they know who they want me to be with and they have been pushing the issue for yearssss. It just seems like a selfish reason for them to deny me the possibility of maybe having something great with a great guy, just because they have preconceived views on who they want as the in-laws. Y's parents are great, fantastic, loving, loyal and fierce people. They protect me and defend me as if I was their own daughter and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would do whatever they could to make me happy. I love them and would want nothing more than for them to be my mother and father in-law, but I have always thought that, that decision belonged to Y and I. If it's meant to be, it'll be....but my parents need to understand that they can't form biased opinions based on selfish reasoning and that my 父、and 母 will be apart of our lives forever in a capacity that not many people would ever be able to understand ....maybe it's just a matter of opinion....

Recycled Music?

I don't agree with it, I don't like it, I can't stand it, it makes my skin crawl, it's irritating.....it's not cute.

Yes, that is really how I feel. I love kpop and jpop, I really do, but the thing that irritates me to NO end is when these record labels/companies decide that it's a good idea to take Korean songs and recycle them and do a Japanese version.....for what? Why? I don't think it's asking too much for an original song if you're going to venture into the Japanese market. I'm sure I'm just speaking for myself, because there are bound to be herds of you out there that enjoy it, but since this is my blog, I can say what I want. I don't believe that it makes me less of a fan or better than any other fan's. It's just my opinion. Either you love it or hate it.....

The difference between school and life?

In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.

The Letters of Marsilio Ficino, Vol. 3

“In these times I don't, in a manner of speaking, know what I want; perhaps I don't want what I know and want what I don't know.”

Delicious Ambiguity.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.”

Living Life...

Nobody said it would be easy....they just said it would be worth it. :)

Rate of Failure...

"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that’s where you will find success". ~ Thomas J. Watson

Passion...

"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping… waiting… and though unwanted… unbidden… it will stir… open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace… but we would be hollow… Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we’d be truly dead.”

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Know Your Worth....

"Know your worth. It makes no sense to be second in someone's life, when you know you're good enough to be first in someone else's..." -unknown

The Story of Us...Part 1: The New Boy

She remembers it as if it was yesterday even though it was 17 years ago...


Walking in class on the first day of school, catching up with everyone she missed during the summer, when the soft voice of Ms. Jones broke through the chaos and alerted the children that there was a new student joining the class who had just moved there from Japan. There he was, a boy who was tall for his age, skinny with the look of uncertainty and fear upon his face. No one really paid attention or took much notice, but there was a girl who was giving her full attention, watching the boys demeanor and taking note of how frightened he appeared. This girl was by no means shy, she was bossy, up-front and in your face. Personality for days and seemed to draw people in. She wanted to be friends with everybody, and what she wanted, she usually was successful in getting. Big personality from such a little person.


The boy quietly made his way to the back of the classroom and took the empty seat in between the 2 class bullies. He was quiet and tried to keep to himself. The class went on and it seemed like everyone was falling back into the swing of things. Eager minds, eager to continue learning and playing. There was a commotion at the back of the classroom as Evan and Zach proceeded to throw paper balls and erasers at the new boy. The new boy sat there silent. The only emotion clear on his face was fear.


This went on for the last 30 minutes of class and as the bell rang and the children began to file out of the door, the spunky little girl remained in her seat and as Evan walked by she stuck her foot out and he went crashing to the floor. Zach walked by and she picked up her Jem and the Holograms thermos and threw it at his back. Neither of them uttered a word as they  walked out of the classroom. She felt accomplished and proud of herself. She wasn't afraid of any boy and believed in protecting those who couldn't or were unwilling to help themselves.


The new boy had yet to leave the classroom and was collecting his papers from the desk. The girl looked back, gave him a shy smile and left the classroom for recess....her favorite part of the day. Outside in the sun, jumping rope and playing hopscotch with her friends, she was always aware of the little boy sitting against the fence, too shy to ask to join in. The PE teacher called a dodge ball game to order. They chose captains and the captains began to choose players. Of course since no one really knew the new boy, he was picked last. The new boy and the girl ended up on the same team. She noticed that he looked like he would rather be anywhere other than where he was at that moment. She gave him a reassuring grin and the game was started.


She noticed that Evan who was on the other team was taking special interest in the new boy, and not in a good way. Whenever he could he would hurl the ball as hard as he could at the new boy and in the spirit of team unity there was always someone on her team to shield him or gently push him out of the way. Now, the girl noticed Evan doing this and her blood began to boil. Evan didn't take the time to get to know the new boy so she couldn't figure out why he was being so cruel to him. The first chance she got, she grabbed a ball and hurled it at Evan and he was removed from the game. Now they could play in peace.


The game ended(the girls team lost) and recess ended. The afternoon went by fairly smoothly other than the brief argument that ensued between the girl, Evan and Zach as she told them that they should learn some manners. The last class ended and as they were walking out of the building the girl heard a small voice behind her.
"Thank you" she turned around and noticed that it was the new boy and it was the first time she heard him talk all day.
"For what?" the girl asked. 
"For being nice to me." he said as he looked at his shoes. 
She didn't quite understand because she hadn't really interacted with him, they shared awkward reassuring smiles throughout the day and she asked him to join in at recess, but she just thought she was doing the right thing, behaving how her parents had always taught her to behave.
"You're welcome!" she smiled at him showing him her missing tooth. 
"My name is Yuta" the boy smiled back at her. 
"I'm Sierra. You're going to be my friend" she stated matter-of-factly, not giving him a choice...after all, she was bossy.
He just looked at her and smiled and waved as he walked towards the car that was waiting for him. Sierra couldn't help but feel like she had made a good friend and as she waved back and skipped to her mom's car, she couldn't wait to tell her parents all about the shy little boy who she declared as her friend.


....and that's how it started, but wait...the story isn't over yet.....


That is the true story of how I met my best friend. I can't believe that I still remember every little detail about that day, and if that day had never happened, I don't know where I'd be today. I told Yuta that I was going to put "The Story of Us" up on my blog in sections, starting with how we met and touching on different milestones that we have reached together. I think this will be interesting for me and for him...a way to see how much of everything we really remember, and to possibly have it written where we can share it with other's in the future (hint...hint!). 


.....see ya when the next page turns....


Sierra

You Asked....

I was asked a very interesting question last night, and I think I found the answer, but i'm not sure. The question was: "How come when we're apart, your whole world falls apart?" Seems like a simple question with a simple answer....right? Well, it isn't simple. The best answer I can come up with is that I lead my life with my heart and once people get in, it's almost impossible for me to shake them out. Once they find that out about me, they play on my emotions. It's the worst kind of weak point anyone can have, and once found out,  it's a weapon that does much damage. My mom said it'll get better with age and I'll eventually learn to leave those things behind that sound be left, but how much of me will be left when that finally happens?

I've realized over the last few days that as much as I don't want to have these feelings, there is nothing that I can do about them right now. So, the solution to that question is.......don't let us be apart, and my world will remain intact. Can you make that happen, and deal with everything that comes up along the way? Now, I'm asking....

New Dance Project

So I'm supposed to be working on 2 new dance pieces. One is for someone who requested something special and one is for me to teach in dance class in August. I'm going to be co-teaching teenagers(eek!!lol) with the other teacher Ashley. She wanted me to pick a couple pieces...so this is what i've chosen so far. I like them both, but i'm sure i'll find something else before Friday. 

Number 2:

I'm Back....

Back from my Japan trip...it was amazing. I'll go into more detail later. The written portion of the trip will be posted here, pictures and video will be on my wordpress blog because....well... wordpress has better privacy functions. Let me know if you want the link, I think everyone I regularly talk to has it. I could be wrong though. lol....anyway, this was like a wasted post, but i wanted to write somethingggg. Having really bad jet lag, so I'm going to sit down with my tea and work on my emo blog post about everything that happened during my trip. Look forward to it! :)


Sierra~

Next Stop.....日本

AHHHHHH! I can't believe that it is finally time....a few more hours and I'll be on my way to my second home...the place that holds so many pieces of my heart....Japan. I can't wait to walk through the airport terminal and be greeted by those who love me the most! I can't even contain my excitement right now. lol....I'll try to update a few times on my phone while i'm there. I won't be using my computer often, because there is someone who is tracking my ip-address and I really don't want him to know where I am. My friend assured me that he put something on my computer and phone that would make this person believe that i'm at home, when i'll really be thousands of miles away. Pfft...what am I worried about that for?!? I'm going to see my bestiesssss, my heart, my happiness, my everything! I'm outta here for now. Be prepared for tons of pictures of sakura and FOOD! 


Catch me if you can!!!!!
Sierra~

Stay Down...Always....

"Understand you are the one in my heart, and i'm holding yours so we can't live apart. When things stop making  sense, we'll figure it out. Everything ain't gonna be how we like, and what is worth keeping if it can't take a fight. Your healing is in me, and my healing is in you, so get your mind right cause here's what we're gonna do....Stay down...we're almost to the very best part....stay down...you'll always have a place in my heart..." 

...we too can pass the test. I know we gotta a lot of work... I know it ain't been the best, but it certainly ain't been the worse....

Wouldn't It Be Nice....

....make it all stop?

Late Night Crying Session....

it's starting to feel  familiar....

First Sight

Discovery...

I'm on a quest of self-discovery. Trying to figure out what path I want to take in life. I should have figured this out by now, but I haven't and it's frustrating. I want a fresh start, but what path do I take to get there. The first thing I need to do is get my health where I want it to be. I don't feel 100% so I think that will be the first thing that I do. I've been dieting since January. Just trying to tone up and work on endurance. It's been going pretty well so far but I have had some slip ups. It's time for me to get serious. I can't cut carbs completely but I think I'm going to try to keep them at a bare minimum. I need to eliminate the words "can't" and "it's too hard" from my vocabulary. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. 
I also want to make it a goal to go out more, by myself and meet some new people. I get so wrapped up in my professional life that I feel my social life is slipping away. It's time for me to detach myself from my laptop and find out what's out there for me, or who might be out there for me. I plan to have blog entries up about every new place that I visit. I'm going to start that after I get back from Japan. It's time to get back to the people and I can't say that I'm happy about how much time I spend on the internet. If I want things to happen for me then I have to get out there and make them happen. 
I'm thinking about making a career change as well, because as I mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts. I'm not happy where I am. I wake up angry in the morning, because I don't want to go to work, but here is the problem....I'm extremely comfortable where I am, and the idea of picking up and starting a totally new career is frightening for me, and I don't know if I want to do that right now, because I don't know how long I'll be in the United States. I really don't see a future in this country for me. Don't get me wrong America is great, but something in my soul tells me that I'm not meant to live here for the rest of my life. I don't know which country I'm meant to be in, but I need to pack away my fears and just go for it. Japan is an obvious option because I have family there, but I kind of want to go somewhere, where I can't rely on anybody. I just want to see if I can do it on my own.
I don't know where this path of self-discovery will lead me, and I don't know what obstacles I'll encounter along the way, but I know that this is something that I have to do for my own peace of mind and health. I hope that anyone who is reading this is also taking steps in the direction of self-discovery and I hope that your journey is easier than mine has been! :)


Until next time~
Sierra

No Words Needed...

Just listen, and feel....

It's what happens when amazing voices are blended together....

Happiness...Is on the way...

Feeling good compared to most days which is good. :) I had a little medical scare yesterday and had to rush to the doctor because my blood pressure was really high and I was having a diabetic crisis. Turns out that the blood pressure thing was just stress, and I was able to take a few hours to calm down and kind of get back on track. I need to be careful with my stress level, because it won't be long before I leave for Japan for 2 weeks, and I can't wait. On a daily basis I imagine myself exiting the terminal at the airport and being welcomed by Yuta, my second set of parents, miya, emi and kat. I miss them terribly and I wish I could fast forward time and be there now. If I could drop everything right now, I would go and live there. I already feel like my whole entire life is in Japan and the only thing missing is me. Why am I so scared to make the big step and commit to living there? My parents and brother's are a huge reason why I'm unsure. As far as my friends here, there are only a few here that I worry about. It's sad to say, but the rest are adding to my stress these days and I don't think that I'd miss that part of our friendship. I don't think I've ever needed a vacation as badly as I need one right now. I don't think I've ever needed Yuta as much as I need him right now. I don't think i've ever needed the wisdom of his mother as much as I need it right now. 
Everything that I need and want is there and I'm falling way behind. Hurry up April 22nd, I can't wait to just feel strong arms and warmth, letting me know that at least for 2 weeks I'm okay, I'm loved and I'm protected. I crave it daily and it's a source of happiness that I need. It's going to feel good letting someone take care of me for a change. It doesn't happen often enough. :) 

Until next time~
Sierra

Just Keep Breathing....

I miss you so much it hurts...

Wait It Out....

Pain on pain on play...repeating....

The Return......of Shinhwa!

Shinhwa!!!!! I'm so excited that they are back. I've been following kpop forever it seems. I have VHS tapes of Shinhwa, Sechskies, H.O.T and so many other amazing old school singers and rappers. Wow, my age is really showing! Anyway...I was just talking to my friend Marcy and we were saying how we wish that all of the old school groups could come back. We talked about how some of the kids might be like "who are these people?" While their mom's fan-girl and cry as they drive their little kiddies around! It'd be epic awesomeness! Really! lol I'm  beyond excited for The Return of Shinhwa, and they came back just the way I thought they would....AMAZING! I'm listening to their album as I'm typing this and memories of the good old days are coming back to me. I haven't came across a song that I don't like yet. I love the upbeat songs, I love the ballads...I love everything about this right now. 


Eric, Minwoo, Dongwan, Hyesung, Jun Jin, Andy....thank you for bringing me the music I fell in love with in 1998 and thank you for bringing the music back to me. I'm loving and appreciating the mature sound.  


Enjoy this with me....

Shinhwa-Venus

Shinhwa- Hurts

That's just two of the amazing songs! Make sure you support them and buy their music. I know that I'm not the only one excited that they are back, so pleaseeee show them support! I've been connecting with a lot of my friends who faded away from kpop with the "new era." It's nice that we can have a comeback just as Shinhwa is doing. 


Until next time
Sierra~

...at The Finish Line...

It's been a while since I posted something like this. I wouldn't call it a "sad" post, because although some of the words might evoke the emotion of sadness, I'm actually very happy. :) 


There is always something that pushes you back to the start. It could be a really good thing, something that makes you go back and gives you the chance to correct all the mistakes that you made in the past. I'm not looking at this setback as a negative thing. I'm going to dig deep and gather everything that is positive out of this situation. Where ever I meant to be, I'll get there. My finish line just changed positions, but I'll never stop running towards it, I'll run until I die...and if I die after I crossed that finish line....it's okay. I made it..right? I don't know what's on the other side of that line, but the accomplishment of finishing...I welcome it with open arms. After all that I've been through in my life, I can't be anything but grateful. My path is not easy and it won't ever be. I finally accept that...I'm finally okay with that. There's nothing wrong with fighting. My life isn't made to be easy, and that's just the way it was written for me. Physical, mental and emotional abuse...they are all a part of my story, and I won't leave those parts out, because those are the things that make me stronger than the average person. I've been beat until I bled by someone that "loved" me, I've been called worthless, stupid, told that I'll never be anyone, told that I'd die miserable. I battled back from all of that, so how could I let a setback knock me down? I'm stronger than that. I'm happy for everything that's happened to me and I know that as long as I'm still breathing.....I'm not at the finish line yet....

Until Next Time
Sierra~

They Are Coming....Because...

I'm drowning myself in the memories of love....

my heart is breaking with the thought of our lost love...

I feel that....
Please don't stay in my heart once you're gone....

Wake Up....

Right now...wake uppp

The Moon that Embraces the Sun...

*SEMI/PARTLY/SORT OF SPOILER ALERT!!!!!*

IF YOU PLAN TO WATCH THIS DRAMA THEN I SUGGEST YOU NOT READ THIS. I DON'T THINK IT CONTAINS TOO MANY SPOILERS OR WOULD TAKE AWAY FROM THE EXPERIENCE OF WATCHING THE DRAMA, BUT IT MIGHT BE MORE THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW. SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! now that i'm done shouting at you...you may continue :)

I just finished this amazing drama called The Moon that Embraces the Sun or The Moon Embracing the Sun...however you want to write the title. It's a period/historical drama and I know that some people find these to be boring, but this one was truly amazing, and I'm not saying that just because I'm biased towards period/historical drama's. I think that the actors and actresses each portrayed their respective characters with charm, care, compassion, love and devotion that would appeal even to those who enjoy "current" drama's.

I don't think I need to go into detail about what an amazing actor Kim Soo Hyun is, I will say that after seeing him in Dream High, this role opened my eyes up to just how amazing he is going to be in his entire acting career. King Lee Hwon was a young boy who fell in love with a girl and it just so happened that his brother Prince Yang Myung also fell in love with her, but there was another twist because Lady Bo Kyung had fallen for the young king as well. This all leads to an evil grandmother who killed for her son to get him in the position of King and the madness of father's who on one side did everything he could do to cover up misdeeds in the name of protecting his family, and on the other side a father who would do anything to push him and his daughter into a position of power, the corruption of officials, a shaman who was asked to do the unthinkable and a truly evil plot to replace crown princess Yeon Woo with lady Bo Kyung.  

For awhile it looked as though evil would prevail, but since we know that this is a drama....good always finds a way to fight back. It was a long and tough road for King Lee Hwon and the eventual Queen Yeon Woo, but they found their way back to each other through everything that was thrown at them. 

I watched this drama on Viki and I was reading some of the comments and I have to say that there were a lot of comments to the effect of..."all these people had to die just so that they are able to love each other". I don't agree with this statement, because although this was a beautiful love story, it was not just about Lee Hwon and Yeon Woo's romance. This drama was also about doing the right thing even when it hurts to do so, choosing the right path and it was based heavily on being a King and dealing with corruption and treason. Those are the bigger issues that I gathered from the drama, again, it might just be that I'm biased towards historical drama's so I read deeper into them than any other person would, but I don't like the misconception that this was all based on a story about young love. 

Also, another comment was made in regards to Lady Bo Kyung/former Queen. There were actually many comments about her being a victim of circumstance and having pity on her. Although I did pity her character somewhat, I can't excuse her evil doing because she was a victim of circumstance. Why? Because in my opinion Yeon Woo was the bigger victim. Everything that was originally and rightfully hers was stripped away from her at the hands of the Queen Dowager(Lee Hwon's grandmother), Bo Kyung, Bo Kyung's father and Princess Min Hwa(Lee Hwon's little sister). Although Yeon Woo could have and should have been angry she did not stoop to the low tactics that Bo Kyung did. I can't say that I feel bad for how her character ended up. 

Well, I'm going to leave it there, because I'm afraid that this has gotten longer than what I anticipated it to be, and there is still so many characters that I left out and so many more thoughts swimming through my head. I guess the main point of this post is to get you to step out of your "current" drama box and watch this amazing historical drama. You won't regret it! 

Until next time...

Sierra~

Somewhere Only We Know...

Our secret hiding place, Our place of shelter, the place that we've laughed. The place we had our first big argument. The place where we shared our hopes and dreams. The place we cried after every failure and setback, celebrated every goal reached. Birthday's, Valentine's Day's, Christmas', Graduation's. Our place that holds all of our bad memories, but holds many more of our extraordinary memories. There is only one place like that, and it's the one place you know you can always find me.....

"I walked across an empty land, I knew the pathway like the back of my hand. i felt the Earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete. Is the place, we used to love, is this the place that I've been dreaming of? And if you have a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know. This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go...somewhere only we know?"

Lightless

something I've been feeling lately...yeah.

Goodnight~

Fall with me...

I Will.....

"You're far away, but it feels like you're always right by my side. 

There are nights when I want to entrust everything to your tenderness....

I want to keep singing about this love I can't put into words...

Keep gazing at me, every day, forever....

And......I will be with you...."

Back In Time...

This is my favorite song from one of my current favorite Korean drama's....The Moon that Embraces the Sun. I'll be posting a review about it when it wraps up next week(so sad about this...really). Anyway, I love the lyrics to this song, I think think that everyone at some point has felt like this...I know I have.....

I'll make a "real" post in a few days...things have just been crazy crazy so I need to organize my thoughts. 


Until then~
Sierra~

Love All Over Me...

In love with this song....

"you put the color back in my life...and now where there was black and white, your love made me iridescent, I got love all over me....and i don't want to get it off, I'm completely covered up in your love..."

For...Yuta...You Make It Real...

So we decided to do this project  where we post a song with the lyrics that describe what we have meant to each other over the years since our friendship-anniversary is coming up. After days and days of going through my iTunes library, i've finally found it. Listen to the lyrics very, very carefully. I think it explains EVERYTHING! I can't think of a song that could be any more PERFECT! 

This is for you....I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be waiting for your response! (I can't believe that I actually beat you!) LOL

Always...and...Forever...

Every day I'm reminded of the promises that I want to keep, and it makes it all easier knowing that I have someone that is going to stay with me. Always....and...forever.


This song means a lot to me, because of the lyrics and what they represent. I'm so grateful for the person who knows the answers without having to hear the questions. Someone who wants to make it all disappear, someone who knows my pretend smiles, someone who told me that "it's okay to trust in me"

To Someone Special...

<333333

Overwhelming....Exhaustion...

I had a realization tonight as I was looking over my day planner, I have too many responsibilities and there really isn't a second of the day in the coming weeks for me to breathe. I'm sure things will maybe calm down a little after this month, but it kind of sucks that I thought I was going to have a really good March when in actuality it's probably going to be horrible. I have work everyday which takes up most of my day, and I follow that up with dance class or some other kind of exercise followed by coming home and taking care of my dogs and maybe sneaking in dinner if it isn't too late, added to that might be little tasks I have to do for work like returning night phone calls, answering emails and things like that. Now, that is just a regular day in my life. Now this month I have to add in surgeries for both my dogs which means vet visits to drop them off, pick them up the next day....on two separate occasions. It's highly stressful for me because my vet office is a madhouse, the wait is long...Nala gets anxious, it's just stressful all around for me and her. This will be the first time she has to stay over night and the first time she'll be away from Rain so I'm anticipating not getting much sleep for awhile. I probably shouldn't really worry about this yet, but it's coming up soon and I need to make preparations. 


My anxiety is flaring up big time, and everyone around me seems to think that I can handle it, but I'm doubting myself. It seems like too much and the pressure is enormous right now. The only thing my parents keep saying is "all of this will make you better able to handle anything. it's all going to prepare you for your future and the busy life that a family brings". I guess I can kind of understand where they are coming from, but I know that this family I'm preparing for will have a partner who will be eager to help me, a partner that will share some of the responsibility and pressure, so it's kind of hard to shoulder it all on my own right now. I guess it's a real lesson in independence. I've always been an independent person when it comes to doing things in my own time, but i'm learning that the older I get the less I'm afforded with the option of doing what I WANT to do. It turns more into doing what I HAVE to do in order for things to turn out the way they are meant to. I just need to keep reminding myself to do one thing at a time and take it one day at a time otherwise, I'm going to drive myself crazy.....if I'm not already there.....


Until next time~
Sierra