Wide Awake...Good Friday Edition

I made some realizations last night.

1. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was.

2. My feelings matter. 

3. My independence is worth more than anything. 

4. I won't be pushed, pulled or swayed in your direction. 

5. I need to learn how to be less forgiving. 

6. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just in love with the thought of love. 

7. I have amazing parents.

8. My friends mean the world to me. 

9. I need to learn when to give up the fight. 

10. I don't like arguing about things not worth arguing about.
11. I'm blessed to have gotten to know some pretty amazing people online.

12. I'm still maturing.....
13. I'm still growing....and that's okay

Thinking...

Things have been weird lately. I have my good days or good moments, but i'm still stressed. I wish I could let  some of you into my life. I need an outsiders point of view, maybe then I could find out what i'm doing wrong, or what I'm doing right. I've been trying to live with determination lately and for the most part I've been succeeding, but someone keeps appearing in my life at the most inopportune times. It's a weakness of mine, and I try to tell myself that I'm never going to get ahead if I keep looking back. Why is it that your mind is willing to push aside the horrible memories and dwell on the good times? It's so weird, because the horrible memories are more prevalent than the good and the horrible came more often than the good, so why does my mind seem so eager to disregard that fact? I don't know, I guess deep down I'm searching for something and running from something at the same time. If I stopped running and just gave in, there is a possibility that my life would be so much brighter, but there is an equal possibility that my life could come crashing down around me and all the assurance in the world can't make me feel comfortable with taking that chance....not yet.

Are You...Wishing?

Today was a rough day for me...I'm still having thoughts about Lee and today my mom didn't make it any better. I haven't mentioned to her that I've been thinking about him a lot lately so her comment caught me by surprise. I was on on break at work and my mom and her friend stopped by to bring me lunch since I had to take my car to the mechanic during my lunch hour. There were sitting in my office and my mom was brushing my hair and we were just talking randomly about my job and what we were going to do this weekend and then my mom just said "You know, she is going to get back together with Lee." Then her friend started asking me questions about his sister and if I've talked to him lately. It took everything in me not to break down and cry. 
My mom loves Lee...a lot. He was really the first boyfriend that she approved of and finally seeing me happy...made her happy and that's why when it ended...I hid it from her as long as I could, because things haven't been the same since. I don't smile as often...I'm depressed more. It's just bad, but how can I make it work? Her saying that simple statement nearly broke me down. If we both thought it was possible for us to work it out and adjust our schedules...then we would, but we can't see that right now. I really miss him though and I just hope and wish that it gets easier.
Two of my girls from Japan are coming into town on December 10th and I'm so excited for girl time! It will be just me and the girls until Yuta gets here on December 18th. I haven't seen my girls since I was in Japan last year. I really miss them and I'm glad that they are coming to visit me! 
In other  news..... since I've become so unhappy and depressed here and my parents are extremely worried about me...I might be moving to Japan....well, not forever ....but I'll probably be there for 6 months to a year. I'll be staying with Yuta and his parents. I think it could be a good change for me and I have a lot of friends there that can help me get out of this hole that I've seemed to have fallen into....
I'll keep you updated.....