Stress & Trying to Overcome It

I wish that this could be a happier blog post, but that's not the case....so I'll just let it out, and pray that I find some kind of relief or comfort from doing this. Things have been tough on me for the last 3-4 weeks, but I've perfected the art of the "fake smile". I can fool almost anyone, if I try hard enough no one would ever know about my internal struggles. I'm so good at it that I can sometimes fool myself. That's kind of scary, but at the same time...to me...it's a comfort, at least while it lasts. The thing is...it never lasts forever, there is always that one quiet moment where things are calm, and then the huge wrecking ball comes out of nowhere and smashing through the wall of fake smiles and happiness. It's happening more frequently lately and I'm truly so terrified of completely losing myself. What happens when I can no longer fake it? What is that going to feel like? What is that going to look like? Who is going to help me out of the darkness? Will I want to come out of it? Will I be so far gone that there is no turning back? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers and that is why I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping, and I'm withdrawing from everyone. When did this all start? What triggered it? I made a earlier blog post about certain people not realizing what they have done to me. I get so angry when I think about those people, because i'm destroyed, I'm in pieces, but I can't only get angry at them, because in my mind...I accepted the abuse. I didn't get out when I had the chance. I let them do this to me, and I know that. I'm just trying my hardest to get past it.

I'm a slave to my emotions. It's been a rough few weeks, but it's gotten worse these last couple of days. I've been really distracted. I've been really moody, really quiet and finding tears running down my face without even realizing it. I can't really talk about this with anyone which is why i'm writing this out. No matter how I try to map things out and try to figure it all out...I can't come up with a solution. The stress is work related, friend related, family related and health related. Trying to cope with all these different stresses is hard. I can't sleep, because my mind is constantly going...what are you going to do about this?...what are you going to do about that?....what happens if?....what happens when?....it's so exhausting, and in my mind I'm screaming for the thoughts to stop, but they never do. I can feel myself becoming a burden to people and if you have never experienced that, I have to tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is continue to talk to God and pray. I'm not praying that he makes all of my problems disappear, because I know that there is a reason why I'm going through this right now....what do I pray for?...I pray that God helps me face the fear, but not feel scared. I don't want to know what comes next, I just want to be ready for it. Whatever it is that God as planned for me, I don't want to fear it. Whoever is reading this...thank you. I could use some positive energy, thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that whatever any of you are going through in your life, that you get through it, and come out the other end a stronger and better person. 

Until next time....

Wild Horses

I was working on a new dance piece and this was on the cd my mom made for me, and I think I got about half way through before I completely broke down. Why?....simple, it describes how I wish I was and what I wish I could do. I think I finally found a song for my duet demo. Let's hope the tears don't appear on the stage. :)

The Sad Thing Is...

They don't truly know what they've done to me, what they have turned me into....

Birthday Surprises: Day/Night out with Friends

Here are some of the pictures from the day/night I spent out with some of the people who mean the most to me!

 First thing on the list of things to do was an early afternoon session of glow bowling. We had a few drinks before we started playing which will explain the horrible scores in the picture below! LOL

 The letters represent our nicknames, and I'd be killed if I revealed them! haha, all I'll say is that I was #4, I was the only one who was able to use my real name (perks of entering everyone's information) :)

 Above are the shoes that I wore out for the night. I love that they are comfortable and it helps that they are really cute too!

 Dinner, Napa Valley Burger and Garlic Mash....so yummy!

 We left Granite City Eatery and went to buy lobsterita's! There is however no lobster in this drink...that would be gross!

 Let me explain something....when we go out to dinner, we hardly ever stay the same place for dinner, drinks and dessert. We usually go to different places, because we're picky like that. LOL...this brownie was amazing by the way!

This was at the Hard Rock Cafe where we met up with my bestie from here and my godson and daughter. This is called a Poolside Sipper and it was all sorts of good.

Last but not least is a compilation of the gifts I received from Emi and Miya. the shoes are unbelievable!

Birthday Surprises: Day out with Yuta

First I'll start off by saying that I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents (all 4 of them) and some pretty awesome friends. They made this weekend so very special for me and more than I could have ever asked for. The greatest gift had to have been when I showed up at my parent's house on Friday and sitting in the living room was Miyako and Emiko.  The only one missing was Katsumi, but she had a couple lectures to give at the school she teaches at. In order to keep it neat, this will be split into 3 different post. First post: Spending the day with Yuta.

 Started the day before my birthday with Yuta making me breakfast. It was sooo good, and he surprised me, because the last time he tried to cook, it didn't turn out well at all! I appreciated this and it was an amazing thing to wake up to! <3 p="p">

 After breakfast I was instructed to dress in something comfortable and be ready at 2pm. I asked where we going, but I was told it was a surprise and not to ask where we were going at any point that day, because he wasn't telling. He grabbed some blankets, a couple wine glasses, fruit, cheese and a bottle of wine and we set off on the walk to the park. I go to "Shakespeare in the Park" every year, but I didn't know when it was this year. I think I squealed and jumped around a bit when we turned the corner and I saw that Henry V was playing this year. The show was beautiful and the company was great. It was a really good afternoon and one that I won't soon forget.

 After coming back from the park, Yuta dropped me off at Pigalle Salon & MedSpa. He told me that our parent's  had already taken care of everything and to give my name at the front desk and they would handle the rest and he would be back to pick me up for dinner in 3 hours. My first thought was "what the hell am I really going to be doing here for 3 hours?!?", but I was treated to a deep tissue massage, seaweed body wrap,  mini facial, mani and pedi. It was beyond glorious! He came to pick me up and we went to get dinner and by that point I was starving so as soon as the food was put in front of me, I demolished it, which is why you only get a picture of dessert! haha

 No long explanation needed for this picture. This was one of the gifts Yuta bought me, and as you can see...I started eating them before I remembered to take a picture. LOL...they were the most delicious chocolate covered strawberries. I liked the milk chocolate one's the best, because the white chocolate one's were a little extra sweet.

 Now, for the end of the night.....I was surprised with a water show. It's been forever since this fountain has been opened, and it just so happened to open on my birthday weekend. I've included a video at the end of this post so that you can get the full experience...well at least like 55 seconds of it! LOL...I enjoyed the little kids who were watching it with us. :)

What a way to end an amazing day and I couldn't have been more grateful and thankful to have spent it with a guy who would give me the world if he could. My best friend who has always been there to help, listen, frustrate and annoy me. :) 

......and thanks to my parent's for being able to keep a secret.....lol

Next post coming up.....

No Matter...

...how tight he holds me, how many encouraging words he says....the tears won't stop falling....

Best Thing I Never Had...

...and I will always be the best thing you never had....