Stress & Trying to Overcome It

I wish that this could be a happier blog post, but that's not the case....so I'll just let it out, and pray that I find some kind of relief or comfort from doing this. Things have been tough on me for the last 3-4 weeks, but I've perfected the art of the "fake smile". I can fool almost anyone, if I try hard enough no one would ever know about my internal struggles. I'm so good at it that I can sometimes fool myself. That's kind of scary, but at the same time...to me...it's a comfort, at least while it lasts. The thing is...it never lasts forever, there is always that one quiet moment where things are calm, and then the huge wrecking ball comes out of nowhere and smashing through the wall of fake smiles and happiness. It's happening more frequently lately and I'm truly so terrified of completely losing myself. What happens when I can no longer fake it? What is that going to feel like? What is that going to look like? Who is going to help me out of the darkness? Will I want to come out of it? Will I be so far gone that there is no turning back? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers and that is why I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping, and I'm withdrawing from everyone. When did this all start? What triggered it? I made a earlier blog post about certain people not realizing what they have done to me. I get so angry when I think about those people, because i'm destroyed, I'm in pieces, but I can't only get angry at them, because in my mind...I accepted the abuse. I didn't get out when I had the chance. I let them do this to me, and I know that. I'm just trying my hardest to get past it.

I'm a slave to my emotions. It's been a rough few weeks, but it's gotten worse these last couple of days. I've been really distracted. I've been really moody, really quiet and finding tears running down my face without even realizing it. I can't really talk about this with anyone which is why i'm writing this out. No matter how I try to map things out and try to figure it all out...I can't come up with a solution. The stress is work related, friend related, family related and health related. Trying to cope with all these different stresses is hard. I can't sleep, because my mind is constantly going...what are you going to do about this?...what are you going to do about that?....what happens if?....what happens when?....it's so exhausting, and in my mind I'm screaming for the thoughts to stop, but they never do. I can feel myself becoming a burden to people and if you have never experienced that, I have to tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is continue to talk to God and pray. I'm not praying that he makes all of my problems disappear, because I know that there is a reason why I'm going through this right now....what do I pray for?...I pray that God helps me face the fear, but not feel scared. I don't want to know what comes next, I just want to be ready for it. Whatever it is that God as planned for me, I don't want to fear it. Whoever is reading this...thank you. I could use some positive energy, thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that whatever any of you are going through in your life, that you get through it, and come out the other end a stronger and better person. 

Until next time....

Discovery...

I'm on a quest of self-discovery. Trying to figure out what path I want to take in life. I should have figured this out by now, but I haven't and it's frustrating. I want a fresh start, but what path do I take to get there. The first thing I need to do is get my health where I want it to be. I don't feel 100% so I think that will be the first thing that I do. I've been dieting since January. Just trying to tone up and work on endurance. It's been going pretty well so far but I have had some slip ups. It's time for me to get serious. I can't cut carbs completely but I think I'm going to try to keep them at a bare minimum. I need to eliminate the words "can't" and "it's too hard" from my vocabulary. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. 
I also want to make it a goal to go out more, by myself and meet some new people. I get so wrapped up in my professional life that I feel my social life is slipping away. It's time for me to detach myself from my laptop and find out what's out there for me, or who might be out there for me. I plan to have blog entries up about every new place that I visit. I'm going to start that after I get back from Japan. It's time to get back to the people and I can't say that I'm happy about how much time I spend on the internet. If I want things to happen for me then I have to get out there and make them happen. 
I'm thinking about making a career change as well, because as I mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts. I'm not happy where I am. I wake up angry in the morning, because I don't want to go to work, but here is the problem....I'm extremely comfortable where I am, and the idea of picking up and starting a totally new career is frightening for me, and I don't know if I want to do that right now, because I don't know how long I'll be in the United States. I really don't see a future in this country for me. Don't get me wrong America is great, but something in my soul tells me that I'm not meant to live here for the rest of my life. I don't know which country I'm meant to be in, but I need to pack away my fears and just go for it. Japan is an obvious option because I have family there, but I kind of want to go somewhere, where I can't rely on anybody. I just want to see if I can do it on my own.
I don't know where this path of self-discovery will lead me, and I don't know what obstacles I'll encounter along the way, but I know that this is something that I have to do for my own peace of mind and health. I hope that anyone who is reading this is also taking steps in the direction of self-discovery and I hope that your journey is easier than mine has been! :)


Until next time~
Sierra

...at The Finish Line...

It's been a while since I posted something like this. I wouldn't call it a "sad" post, because although some of the words might evoke the emotion of sadness, I'm actually very happy. :) 


There is always something that pushes you back to the start. It could be a really good thing, something that makes you go back and gives you the chance to correct all the mistakes that you made in the past. I'm not looking at this setback as a negative thing. I'm going to dig deep and gather everything that is positive out of this situation. Where ever I meant to be, I'll get there. My finish line just changed positions, but I'll never stop running towards it, I'll run until I die...and if I die after I crossed that finish line....it's okay. I made it..right? I don't know what's on the other side of that line, but the accomplishment of finishing...I welcome it with open arms. After all that I've been through in my life, I can't be anything but grateful. My path is not easy and it won't ever be. I finally accept that...I'm finally okay with that. There's nothing wrong with fighting. My life isn't made to be easy, and that's just the way it was written for me. Physical, mental and emotional abuse...they are all a part of my story, and I won't leave those parts out, because those are the things that make me stronger than the average person. I've been beat until I bled by someone that "loved" me, I've been called worthless, stupid, told that I'll never be anyone, told that I'd die miserable. I battled back from all of that, so how could I let a setback knock me down? I'm stronger than that. I'm happy for everything that's happened to me and I know that as long as I'm still breathing.....I'm not at the finish line yet....

Until Next Time
Sierra~

Winter Blues...

-sigh- I have a serious case of what I like to call the "Winter Blues", I think that it's happening because it's dark all the time. I think that 5 days out of 7 it's gloomy and cloudy outside. My mood is affected by the weather I must admit. I feel tired all the time, and now that I'm sick, it's really getting worse. I'm trying to push aside the feelings of being ignored, and the feeling as if no one cares. Maybe it's just the type of person I am. I don't know...I guess I feel like everyone is fake, and it doesn't matter at all how much I care about them, or what I do for them, no one has pure intentions. It's like "oh, hey...yeah, thanks" and they just go on with their lives as if nothing ever happened. I don't know I think I just really need to get away, and there are times where I want to delete twitter, delete facebook...delete everything, I mean it isn't as if it'd be noticed anyway. I feel like I'm ready to get back to the real world, because most of the time I'm only really talking to myself anyway. 


I guess it's whatever, you can't force something that isn't meant to be, so I should really just stop trying. I think I'll feel a lot better when I learn how to not care about the people that don't care about me. It's time for me to really consider moving and starting over. Who knows, maybe this is just a bad case of winter blues, maybe when spring comes and the flowers bloom, I'll become happier, but if that's not the case...I'll have no choice but to say goodbye, because I can't go on for much longer feeling this way. 


Anyway, thanks for reading...if anyone is. This blog really helps me express emotions and thoughts that can't easily be expressed elsewhere. 


Until next time, 
Sierra~

Are You...Alone?

Hmmm...interesting question. Yuta's mom asked me this when I talked to her today. I wasn't expecting her call because we usually talk on Saturday's. It was a pleasant surprise...it's always nice to hear her voice. She said that she had a dream about me and she was calling to make sure I was okay. How does she see through me from thousands of miles away? lol...I told her that i've been okay, and I think that, that was an honest answer. I really feel like i've been okay. Everyone has their days, but i don't think that, that makes things all bad. She did manage to pull out some of the insecurities that i've been feeling lately, and that's when she simply said "Sie, are you alone?" I didn't understand at first, so she explained..."You are determined to fight battles as if you are alone in the World...why? You have wonderful parents, all 4 of us...amazing brothers...and amazing friends, and while we all might not be there in the physical sense...you don't ever stop receiving our love and prayers. Stop living and fighting as if you have no one in your corner. I worry about you, we all worry about you. Knowing what you've been through and what you're still going through makes us worry a lot. So why do you think you are alone in this?"


I was speechless...I knew that I was guilty of doing this, but the fact of the matter is that I can't help it. Your parents and friends are supposed to be the people that you can lean on no matter what. I know I'm not alone in any of this, but I feel like I am. I want nothing more than to go back and be how I used to be, and I do feel myself getting closer to that person everyday. I just need everyone to hang on for a little bit longer. Let me get it all together. Let me figure it all out. Let me scream. Let me cry. Let me heal, and don't give up on me. I'm done being selfish, it's time for me to grow...it's time...

Are You...Ready?

Well, it's been a couple days since I've updated. Nothing new is really going on. It's the same thing everyday. Maybe that is the problem. I really need to add some spice to my life...even if it's just a little bit. I'm feeling really good physically lately, and I owe that all to me working out more and paying attention to my body more. Out with the old and in with the new...eh? I'm living and I'm learning and I'm becoming more of the person that I dream of being. I know that I have a long way to go, but if I work on it a little bit at a time...one step at a time...I know that I can achieve everything that I want. I don't want anything outrageous. I just want to live simply...I want all the simple things in life. Just being happy and healthy...what more could I ask for? What more should anyone ask for? Too often people get caught up on the material things in life, and they kind of ignore the necessities in life. I strive not to do this. It's nice having money, it's nice having nice clothes and shoes, but it's nicer being happy and healthy. I'm not saying that I don't have nice things, because I do. I also work very hard to provide those things for myself. There is nothing that I value more right now than my independence. Here I am at 26, with a stable job, 2 cars, a house and 2 dogs...and I'm doing it all on my own. Every now and then I have to stop and say "I'm proud of me". I'm proud that I can maintain this stable lifestyle. I'm proud that I can stand on my own two feet without asking for help. It might not always be easy, but I can do it. In being proud of myself, I know that I'm making everyone around me proud as well. It's such a great feeling.

I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately and some of the memories I have aren't great, but I realized that the good memories out weigh the bad. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, and it's our responsibility to figure out if the people that we surround ourselves with provide a healthy environment for us. If you have a friendship that is unhealthy then it is time to let that friend go...no matter how much it hurts. Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships aren't the only relationships that can end in a break-up. I have had friends that have been like leaves on a tree...they are around for the sunny times and when it starts to darken and the wind blows...they blow away. I'm happy to say that I have more friends that are like the roots of a tree. They don't waver and I know that they'll always be there. Those are the the people that you want to keep in your life.

I've been missing my friends so much lately, skype and phone conversations just don't seem to be enough right now. I want to see cherry blossoms this year, so i'm preparing a trip to Japan. I hope everything works out for me and I'll be able to go. I really, really, really, really miss Yuta. Words can not describe how much I miss him. How many times I think about him in a day...how much my heart hurts when he isn't around. I talk to him every day...several times a day, but I want him here. I need him here. Someone who can calm me down, someone warm, someone safe...that's what he is for me....okay i'm going to leave it here, because now i'm getting emotional. LOL....I'll leave you with a pretty song that Yuta is currently singing to me as I type this....have a good day/night and may you be happy....whoever you are <3

That's the short version...bit it really is such a sweet song. <3

Are You...Trying?

This has been a weird week for me so far...I haven't felt this alone in awhile,but I can't say that it's unexpected. Everyone has left so in my house it's just me and the puppies. They provide some comfort but not enough. The friends that i have here in the States are doing their own thing which is to be expected, because they have babies to take care of. We hang out when we can and I appreciate the time that we do have. Recently I've been trying like crazy to keep myself busy almost to the point of exhaustion, but that's the only way I know. When I'm busy like this I don't think as much and I don't feel as much. It's the idle times that are the scariest. I've been signing myself up for more workshops at work...taking the dogs on longer walks and I have even started doing Zumba classes after work. I've lost 10lbs in about 16 days. It happened faster than I thought it would a actually. I'm almost back to my comfort "dance" zone but I think I'm going to keep going just to see how far I can go with this. I'm really excited about the prospects and I'll keep updating here with my progress. Well I guess I better get back to work!

Until next time~
Sierra

Are You...Taking it for Granted?

As I lay here and write this,I can't help but think about things in my life that I might have taken for granted. I think that at one point I took real and true friendship for grated. I did know how to value it because over the years I've encountered some friends that weren't really friends at all. Some people say that once you reach a certain age you don't look to your friends as much as you did when you were younger. I used to think like that until I realized that I look to my friends. Ow more than ever and I'm disappointed in myself for not appreciating them the way that I should. I think I've made up for it and if I haven't...I'll make sure that I do.

Today was Yuta's last day here and I've been surprisingly calm about it. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that I'm supposed to be spending 6 months in Japan soon or if the reality that he is leaving going to hit me on the drive to the airport. As I write this on my phone with him laying next to me, I can truly say that I am blessed and highly favored. He's been extra sweet to me but cautious because he's waiting on my impending breakdown...I'm sure. Lol...I'm going to try and be strong this time around and prove everyone wrong! :)

I talked to Emiko and Katsumi yesterday and unfortunately they are still suffering from jet lag. That is the one thing I'm not looking forward to. I already have horrible insomnia so to have jet lag on top of that would probably kill me. I really can't wait to go and visit. I'm sure that so muh as changed since the last time I was there so I'm looking forward to the girls showing me around! I need to start making arrangements. Other than the jet lag the girls are doing great. I'm so jealous that they get to see each other and hang out all the time and I'm stuck here. That's always been very hard for me, but hopefully I'll be joining them soon! :)

Well I'm going to leave it hear because it's cuddle time with Yuta...something that I will never take for granted. Excuse any typos in this entry since I'm writing it from my phone which is really weird! Lol! Stay blessed and happy!

~Sierra

Are You...Annoyed?

I've been on the edge today, and I pretty much know why. It's a girl thing that happens every month...the dreaded PMS...yes, all us girls get it, but it hits some of us harder than others. With me, it gets horrible, and I know that I'm being a complete and total bitch but it's like....out of my control. Today, I snapped at co-workers, my boss, my brothers, my mom, yuta's mom, yuta's dad and lastly...Yuta...which is why he's not here right now. He decided that he'd be safer at his parents house. I feel really bad about that because he'll only be here for 3 more days and I need all the time I can get. Call me selfish, but he's the one person that I didn't want to leave. I wanted him to stay here and deal with my attitude.

He did do something really nice before he left though. He turned the radio on in the bathroom, ran my bath water, cooked dinner and left some chocolate on my bed. <3 Sweetest thing...ever and it made me feel so bad for yelling at him this morning when he really didn't do anything wrong. I sent him a text and told him that I wanted him to come back but I don't know if he will. Everything just sucks right now.

Oh, and to add to everything...2 of my ex boyfriends have decided to become friends on facebook. Shit pissed me off, and I know that they are doing it on purpose to piss me off. It's childish and pathetic. I'll try not to let it bother me, because what are they really going to talk about? How they both cheated on me? How they both abused me emotionally? How 1 of them abused me physically? Two scum bags being friends...I guess that's just the way the world works huh?

I won't be able to update for a couple days because a big winter storm is coming so I'll be taking refuge at my parents house. I'm going to try and get rid of some of this annoyance now. I'll keep you updated.

~Sierra

Are You...Content?

I'm so content right now. I'm content with everything that is happening in my life and I'm so very thankful for the people around me. They got me out of a really rough spot. Before they came here I don't think anyone knew how bad my depression had gotten. I was literally on the verge of giving up, and that's a scary feeling. I don't think anyone noticed how alone I was...How alone I felt. If they did notice...they didn't care that much. I realize now that me wanting to give up was a selfish thought. How many people would I hurt? I couldn't do that to the people who sincerely love me...flaws and all. I'm just so thankful that they see something in me that at times I don't see in myself. I've laughed until I cried, I've danced, I've smiled, I've loved, I've discovered, I....took a breath. It has been months since I've laughed a sincere laugh...danced like no one was watching, smiled a genuine smile, loved wholly, unconditionally and completely, discovered the meaning and reasons behind what makes me...me and took a breath that didn't hurt to the core.

How do you pay people back for that? What would the price be for this kind of contentment? I don't know, but what I do know is that I will never ever disappoint the people who value my life, my heart, my soul. I will spend forever and a day trying to pay them back for something as valuable as they have given me....my life. I don't know what I did to deserve the kind of love that I receive from them, but i'm grateful for it and it gives me a reason to keep going, no matter how tired I am, no matter how dark my days can get, no matter how much it burns to breathe sometimes. Those are things that I can never repay in full, but I'm going to try my hardest. I don't know how things will be when they leave, but I owe it to them to continue to be the way I am now....contented.

I hope that everyone finds the contentment that I've found. I hope that everyone can experience love like I know it. We all deserve it. Be happy. It's not a crime. I want anyone who is reading this that is going through a hard time to know that, it doesn't end here. Just keep breathing. No matter how much each breath rips you apart, no matter how much it burns, no matter how hard it is. Breathe through it, because I guarantee you that while the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't look bright right now, you'll definitely reach it, and you'll be grateful that you had the strength and the courage to fight.

I'll leave you with a quote that means a lot to me:

"Which way will you choose? The one to the left with nothing right or the one to the right with nothing left?" 

Think about that, and leave a comment or tweet me @KireiSie  and tell me what you would do.

Be safe, be happy, be blessed.

~Sierra

Are You...Exploring Options?

Last night was fun. We had some good conversations and good food. It's so nice to have Yuta here with me. I miss having him around me on a daily basis. Miya pulled me aside last night and asked me a serious question and  it really made me think. I was sitting at the dinner table and I was laughing and joking with everyone while Yuta was cutting up my food for me. She declared that it was a bathroom break time and she wanted me to come with her. When we got there she turned to me and said "You love him....don't you?" I must have gave her a look because she then said "...Yuta?" I answered her truthfully and honestly. Yes, yes I do love Yuta. I love him so much it's crazy. He's my best friend....but that's not how she meant it. She wondered if I ever explored the option of something more than a friendship with Yuta. Of course I have...of course he has....we both have. The problem isn't him...it's me. I'm struggling with the fact that sometimes a relationship can ruin a friendship and I NEVER want that to happen with us. I could not live without his friendship...seriously. A romantic relationship is what our parents want us to have, but we have to do what is best for the both of us. He lives in Japan, I don't. This of course could be rectified with either me moving to Japan or him moving here. Our parents collective thought is on me moving to Japan. My parents love the Japanese culture, school system and language. Where am I going with this you might ask....my parents are ready for grandchildren. I know this. I'm 26 and it's just about that time that I get married and start thinking about a family. Would things be easy for Yuta and I? Yes, being with him would be as easy as breathing. Could we raise a family? Yes, I can see beautiful children. So what's the problem? Fear....my fear. the fear of leaving everything that I know and moving somewhere that i don't fluently know the language. I would be completely relying on Yuta. I've sort of agreed to give it a try. I'm thinking about moving to Japan for 6 months to a year. What that is going to mean for me and Yuta's relationship...i don't know. We'll have to see what happens. I want to share the advice and words that Miya said to me:

"Nothing would be different. I see how you guys are with each other. It's nothing short of a romantic relationship. I see the way that he looks at you. The way that you look at him. You guys have an amazing friendship and a relationship couldn't tear that apart. The only thing missing is the title. Don't be so scared of that. I want you both to be happy and I've never seen you as happy as you are when he comes to visit. Just think about it. It could be worth it. Explore all of your options and know that we'll all be here for the both of you no matter what."

I love her, because she always reassures me in moments of doubt. I have a lot of things to think about and I'm currently watching Yuta sleep knowing that the talk that awaits when he wakes up is going to be the start of something new. We've had this talk before, I know where he stands and now it's time for me to let him know where I stand. I'll keep you updated....

Are You... Reminiscing?

I've been thinking about a lot of this lately...well, actually I've been thinking a lot about one particular person. I miss him...I don't miss all of him, but there are certain things about him that I miss. I'm usually not like this when it comes to ex boyfriends, because in the past...all of my relationships have ended on a bad note. Unfaithfulness...mental and emotional abuse...but with my last ex boyfriend, we ended things peacefully and with an understanding of it's meant to be...it'll be. That makes a breakup harder...when no one has done anything wrong and you got along great but things like distance and time just got in the way. How do you forget about someone that you had a good relationship with. I think it would have been better to end it with "I hate you" than to end it with "I'll always care about you" because it makes it so much harder to try and move on. 
He was the first guy really that was so good to me. He cared about what I had to say...he not only talked, but he listened. He owned his own restaurant, he was mature, responsible and stable. Everything that was lacking in my past relationships...he possessed. The only problem was that I work 6 days a week. He worked 7 days a week and there was 80 miles in between our towns. It's hard maintaining a "weekend relationship". The time I spent with him was precious though. It's the little things that I remember most....walking into his house...he would turn on my favorite show or movie, pour me a glass of wine, turn on the fireplace and then he would go into the kitchen and he would cook for me while I watched him as I sat behind the counter and we would just talk about how our week was. What we were looking forward too...what the future looked like. He would set the table and feed me first. Literally...bite by bite and only when I was done with my food would he eat. He always wanted to make sure I was taken care of first. To him, I came first and he was second. I had never experienced that before. I went from being called "useless", "worthless", "stupid" to being called "beautiful", "special", "smart" and "needed". It was totally unfamiliar territory for me and I didn't know how to handle it, but he always made me feel comfortable. Never rushed me into anything...he was kind and he was patient.
I remember the first time I met his parents. I was so worried that they wouldn't approve of me because he always said that while his parents were open-minded, they had always intended on him marrying a traditional Chinese woman. I'm not Asian of any sort so I was extremely scared. He made me feel at ease and his parents and sister was wonderful to me. I worried for nothing. In the end, they took me in and treated me like their daughter. I was happy...extremely happy. Shopping trips with his mom and his sister...talks with his dad about growing up in China. It was all so very fascinating to me. The more I got to know them...the more I loved them. 
The weekends were my favorite days of the week...something to look forward too. Dinner dates, walks in the park, eating ice cream on the bench in front of his restaurant, the hugs, the talks. Those were the best 3 years of my adult life...so far. I don't know what the future holds for us or where and when we'll meet again, but I'll be sure to always remind him that he was the one who showed be what life is supposed to be like. What being loved is supposed to feel like and for that....I'm forever grateful....

"Please don't go too far away...Please don't go where I can't see you. I may be a fool but.....I can't forget you..."

Are You...Complex?

Complexity...The state or quality of being intricate or complicated...I've been told many times that I'm complicated...hard to understand. I don't necessarily think that, that is a bad thing. Nothing worth having comes easy, and it you take the time to break through the many layers of brick and concrete surrounding my heart, then you're worth having in my life. People like to take the easy way...the short cut...I'm more of the "road least traveled" kind of girl. I want a challenge...I need a challenge. It's funny though, because sometimes the road that hasn't been traveled on, you find out just why no one has taken it. It's full of dirt, weeds, trash...it's tainted and polluted, but by the time you realize it...you've gone too far. The wall that once lines the road in flowers turns into mangles ugly weeds and it all begins to close in on you...around you. You find yourself trapped. Winding paths, trees that seem as though the branches are reaching out towards you. No matter how much you scream...no one can hear you. You spend what seems like forever trying to find your way out. Some people call it complexity and some people call it stupid. I haven't figured out a name for it yet...it's part of who I am though. I've been through a lot, seen a lot, felt a lot. I've asked a lot of questions and haven't received many answers. I've been really happy, I've been really sad. I've fallen, I've gotten back up. It's a part of my journey...I need to learn and accept that. Things are the way they are because they are supposed to be that way. If I can just remember that, then everything will be alright. You gotta have hope right? Without it...what is there to live for? It's okay to be sad...It's a page in your book, an excerpt in your journal, a footprint in the sand. It's what is going to make you...you. No one's story is the same. The endings are all different...some in in happily ever afters...some end tragically and some end in....Don't ever be afraid to write your story, tell your story....live your story...

"How heavy are these words? They're heavier than air..."

Are You...Mysterious?

I was always told that it's always good to keep some mystery in your life.
It used to drive my friends crazy because I wouldn't reveal every little
detail about every little thing that happened in my life...which is why some
of them are no longer a part of my life. You gotta learn when to let things go....
when to let people go. Easier said than done eh? I know....I guess in some
ways i'm not mysterious...I mean, think about it...I'm laying my inner most...
darkest thoughts here for strangers to read. Whoever you are out there, thank 
you for taking the time to read my emo words. Although I'm sure that some of you
can relate...I know some of you out there can not. Either way...I thank you...

Are You...Beautiful?

Beautifully broken, beautifully whole, tragically beautiful...just plain beautiful?
These are all forms of beauty...right? There is beauty in everything...it
doesn't matter if it's whole and perfect or broken and torn apart...you
can find beauty in everything. It's hard to place yourself in a category but
if I had to...I think right now at this moment I would be classified as.....
beautifully broken. I'm working on putting all the pieces of me back together, but
it's going to take some time, especially when some of the pieces are missing.
Beautiful is another word that in my opinion is used too lightly...guys use it with
ulterior motives...girls use it and sometimes it's filled with venom and jealousy. I'm not
saying that it's like this for everyone. Some people are genuine, but i think that there
are a lot more people out there who aren't. If you find that genuine person...the one person who
not only tells you, but shows you and makes you feel like you're beautiful..then...you are incredibly
lucky....

I love this song~

Are You...Important?

hmmm...interesting question. I don't have an answer for that one. I'm sure that i'm important to some people, but other's have a way of making you feel like you are important to them...when in actuality...you don't matter in the least bit. Those are the worst kind of people. The false hope givers...the heart breakers...people who can let lies slide out of their mouths like silk without a second thought. Those people make me sick. Do they know how much damage they cause? It's sickening and disgusting and vile and terrible! There are far too many people like that in the world. The pretenders...is what I like to call them. They pretend to love you, they pretend to care, they pretend like you're needed...they pretend that you are....important. There is a special place in Hell for people like that...i'm sure of it. The bad thing is...you sit around and you wait for karma to come around and bite them in the ass, and it never happens as fast as you want it too....or you're not around to witness it. I don't even know if i believe in karma...I haven't seen it in action, so I wouldn't know. 
I was reading Kim Daul blog and watching video's of her, and her words are troubling, and it makes me wonder how many people  fooled her into thinking that she was important and what was the breaking point for her? You can see in the videos that while she sometimes smiles and she sometimes laughs...none of that reaches her eyes. If I can see that as an absolute stranger...why did no one else notice. I guess you can't save everybody....but....everyone wants to feel as if they are important enough for you to at least...........try.

"...it's hard to change the way you lose....if you think you've never won...."

"....in the end, dreams just shatter and fall...........like rain"

Are You...Confused?

In a daze....stuck between a nightmare and a dream.
What is being offered...I should not take, but a part of
me wants to be selfish...reckless, irresponsible....stupid.
Am I crazy? Insane? I'm inclined to think that way.  I don't
do things halfway and it's impossible for me to not become
emotionally attached...but I put myself in these dangerous 
situations and each time I hope for a different outcome.....
a better outcome....only to be disappointed...more and more
each time. I should turn away...I should ignore it....it's screaming...
bad idea. Haven't I learned my lesson time and time again.....and if
i haven't.....when will I? 

Are You...Restless?

Over the last few days I've been reading an interesting blog...
Someone's last words...last thoughts....last feelings...
It's surreal and touching and sad. I can't help but try to understand why
she felt the way she felt, and what went so wrong. It's a sad thing that I 
can admit that...i understand. The world can be a lonely place, and loneliness is
the worst kind of torture imaginable. You can have it all...the world at your fingertips but
if you feel alone...none of those things matter anymore. You know, standing in a crowded
room, surrounded by many people and yet you still feel like you're the only person in the world...
it eats at you...it breaks you down...it destroys you.......it kills you. You feel invisible and it
feels like no one would notice if you were gone, because you feel like no one noticed you while
you were standing right in front of them. I'm guessing that these were the thoughts that she was
having and the feelings that she might have felt. Reading her blog and the mark she left, makes
me feel sad. Why was there no one there to help her? What would it have taken for her to realize that
she wasn't alone? It's a cruel world and you try to stay positive but that gets tiring and then you become
more lost in it all. 
I've been so down lately and I can't seem to find a way to get back up. It kills me that what i'm going
through is not only affecting me, but it's also making my family worry. I try to put on a smile and most
of the time I do, but parents have a way of seeing through things and my parents see right through me.
They have come to recognize my real smiles from my forced smiles. Happy eyes from tortured eyes and it's killing them inside that they can't find a solution. I know that they are aware of the fact that i'm not happy, but i don't think they realize how bad it all has become. I'll continue to try my best to hide it, but i don't know for how much longer I can put on this facade. Everything is bound to spill over...right?
This blog is helping me tremendously...it is allowing me to put my feelings down and get it all out of my head..but what do I do about the feelings that won't leave my heart? Every day is a struggle and the nights are the worse, because when the lights go out and you are laying in the dark....everything you avoided thinking about during the day comes rushing to the front of your mind...when it's quiet...when it's dark...when it's cold...i become....restless....

Are You...Thankful?

Wow...today was actually pretty good. All it takes is a little
time with the family to bring you back from dark times. You
think about how many people would miss you if you just gave up....
I had a long talk with my uncle about what it means to be thankful...
I'm thankful for a lot of things...I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my life and
my health.....but most of all I'm thankful for the really bad times, because when I have the good times...
the bad times make me appreciate the good times more. I have a lot more work to do on myself, I can
only hope that I have the courage to hang on and fight........Are you...thankful?

Are You...Tired of it all?

Tired of trying....
Tired of doing....
Tired of pleasing...
Tired of being stepped on...
Tired of being looked over...
Tired of being dependable....
Tired of caring...
Tired of feeling...
Tired of not being appreciated....
Tired of lies...
Tired of tears...
Tired of existing...
Tired of being tired...
Tired of it all....Are you?

"I don't want to die inside just to breathe in..."