Are You...Restless?

Over the last few days I've been reading an interesting blog...
Someone's last words...last thoughts....last feelings...
It's surreal and touching and sad. I can't help but try to understand why
she felt the way she felt, and what went so wrong. It's a sad thing that I 
can admit that...i understand. The world can be a lonely place, and loneliness is
the worst kind of torture imaginable. You can have it all...the world at your fingertips but
if you feel alone...none of those things matter anymore. You know, standing in a crowded
room, surrounded by many people and yet you still feel like you're the only person in the world...
it eats at you...it breaks you down...it destroys you.......it kills you. You feel invisible and it
feels like no one would notice if you were gone, because you feel like no one noticed you while
you were standing right in front of them. I'm guessing that these were the thoughts that she was
having and the feelings that she might have felt. Reading her blog and the mark she left, makes
me feel sad. Why was there no one there to help her? What would it have taken for her to realize that
she wasn't alone? It's a cruel world and you try to stay positive but that gets tiring and then you become
more lost in it all. 
I've been so down lately and I can't seem to find a way to get back up. It kills me that what i'm going
through is not only affecting me, but it's also making my family worry. I try to put on a smile and most
of the time I do, but parents have a way of seeing through things and my parents see right through me.
They have come to recognize my real smiles from my forced smiles. Happy eyes from tortured eyes and it's killing them inside that they can't find a solution. I know that they are aware of the fact that i'm not happy, but i don't think they realize how bad it all has become. I'll continue to try my best to hide it, but i don't know for how much longer I can put on this facade. Everything is bound to spill over...right?
This blog is helping me tremendously...it is allowing me to put my feelings down and get it all out of my head..but what do I do about the feelings that won't leave my heart? Every day is a struggle and the nights are the worse, because when the lights go out and you are laying in the dark....everything you avoided thinking about during the day comes rushing to the front of your mind...when it's quiet...when it's dark...when it's cold...i become....restless....