Are You... Reminiscing?

I've been thinking about a lot of this lately...well, actually I've been thinking a lot about one particular person. I miss him...I don't miss all of him, but there are certain things about him that I miss. I'm usually not like this when it comes to ex boyfriends, because in the past...all of my relationships have ended on a bad note. Unfaithfulness...mental and emotional abuse...but with my last ex boyfriend, we ended things peacefully and with an understanding of it's meant to be...it'll be. That makes a breakup harder...when no one has done anything wrong and you got along great but things like distance and time just got in the way. How do you forget about someone that you had a good relationship with. I think it would have been better to end it with "I hate you" than to end it with "I'll always care about you" because it makes it so much harder to try and move on. 
He was the first guy really that was so good to me. He cared about what I had to say...he not only talked, but he listened. He owned his own restaurant, he was mature, responsible and stable. Everything that was lacking in my past relationships...he possessed. The only problem was that I work 6 days a week. He worked 7 days a week and there was 80 miles in between our towns. It's hard maintaining a "weekend relationship". The time I spent with him was precious though. It's the little things that I remember most....walking into his house...he would turn on my favorite show or movie, pour me a glass of wine, turn on the fireplace and then he would go into the kitchen and he would cook for me while I watched him as I sat behind the counter and we would just talk about how our week was. What we were looking forward too...what the future looked like. He would set the table and feed me first. Literally...bite by bite and only when I was done with my food would he eat. He always wanted to make sure I was taken care of first. To him, I came first and he was second. I had never experienced that before. I went from being called "useless", "worthless", "stupid" to being called "beautiful", "special", "smart" and "needed". It was totally unfamiliar territory for me and I didn't know how to handle it, but he always made me feel comfortable. Never rushed me into anything...he was kind and he was patient.
I remember the first time I met his parents. I was so worried that they wouldn't approve of me because he always said that while his parents were open-minded, they had always intended on him marrying a traditional Chinese woman. I'm not Asian of any sort so I was extremely scared. He made me feel at ease and his parents and sister was wonderful to me. I worried for nothing. In the end, they took me in and treated me like their daughter. I was happy...extremely happy. Shopping trips with his mom and his sister...talks with his dad about growing up in China. It was all so very fascinating to me. The more I got to know them...the more I loved them. 
The weekends were my favorite days of the week...something to look forward too. Dinner dates, walks in the park, eating ice cream on the bench in front of his restaurant, the hugs, the talks. Those were the best 3 years of my adult life...so far. I don't know what the future holds for us or where and when we'll meet again, but I'll be sure to always remind him that he was the one who showed be what life is supposed to be like. What being loved is supposed to feel like and for that....I'm forever grateful....

"Please don't go too far away...Please don't go where I can't see you. I may be a fool but.....I can't forget you..."

Are You...Defeated?

Today...I felt like I was. It seems like when it rains...it pours. Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong today. I've been having problems with my car. It made me really depressed yesterday to the point of a breakdown. Then to top it all off..today I got a flat tire in the middle of a thunderstorm. At that point all I wanted to do was laugh..like a maniac. Luckily my dad was able to come and patch up my tire, but I don't think I have ever felt so defeated. Let's hope I can bounce back....tomorrow starts a new week!

Are You...Complex?

Complexity...The state or quality of being intricate or complicated...I've been told many times that I'm complicated...hard to understand. I don't necessarily think that, that is a bad thing. Nothing worth having comes easy, and it you take the time to break through the many layers of brick and concrete surrounding my heart, then you're worth having in my life. People like to take the easy way...the short cut...I'm more of the "road least traveled" kind of girl. I want a challenge...I need a challenge. It's funny though, because sometimes the road that hasn't been traveled on, you find out just why no one has taken it. It's full of dirt, weeds, trash...it's tainted and polluted, but by the time you realize it...you've gone too far. The wall that once lines the road in flowers turns into mangles ugly weeds and it all begins to close in on you...around you. You find yourself trapped. Winding paths, trees that seem as though the branches are reaching out towards you. No matter how much you scream...no one can hear you. You spend what seems like forever trying to find your way out. Some people call it complexity and some people call it stupid. I haven't figured out a name for it yet...it's part of who I am though. I've been through a lot, seen a lot, felt a lot. I've asked a lot of questions and haven't received many answers. I've been really happy, I've been really sad. I've fallen, I've gotten back up. It's a part of my journey...I need to learn and accept that. Things are the way they are because they are supposed to be that way. If I can just remember that, then everything will be alright. You gotta have hope right? Without it...what is there to live for? It's okay to be sad...It's a page in your book, an excerpt in your journal, a footprint in the sand. It's what is going to make you...you. No one's story is the same. The endings are all different...some in in happily ever afters...some end tragically and some end in....Don't ever be afraid to write your story, tell your story....live your story...

"How heavy are these words? They're heavier than air..."

Are You...Mysterious?

I was always told that it's always good to keep some mystery in your life.
It used to drive my friends crazy because I wouldn't reveal every little
detail about every little thing that happened in my life...which is why some
of them are no longer a part of my life. You gotta learn when to let things go....
when to let people go. Easier said than done eh? I know....I guess in some
ways i'm not mysterious...I mean, think about it...I'm laying my inner most...
darkest thoughts here for strangers to read. Whoever you are out there, thank 
you for taking the time to read my emo words. Although I'm sure that some of you
can relate...I know some of you out there can not. Either way...I thank you...

Are You...Beautiful?

Beautifully broken, beautifully whole, tragically beautiful...just plain beautiful?
These are all forms of beauty...right? There is beauty in everything...it
doesn't matter if it's whole and perfect or broken and torn apart...you
can find beauty in everything. It's hard to place yourself in a category but
if I had to...I think right now at this moment I would be classified as.....
beautifully broken. I'm working on putting all the pieces of me back together, but
it's going to take some time, especially when some of the pieces are missing.
Beautiful is another word that in my opinion is used too lightly...guys use it with
ulterior motives...girls use it and sometimes it's filled with venom and jealousy. I'm not
saying that it's like this for everyone. Some people are genuine, but i think that there
are a lot more people out there who aren't. If you find that genuine person...the one person who
not only tells you, but shows you and makes you feel like you're beautiful..then...you are incredibly
lucky....

I love this song~

Are You...Important?

hmmm...interesting question. I don't have an answer for that one. I'm sure that i'm important to some people, but other's have a way of making you feel like you are important to them...when in actuality...you don't matter in the least bit. Those are the worst kind of people. The false hope givers...the heart breakers...people who can let lies slide out of their mouths like silk without a second thought. Those people make me sick. Do they know how much damage they cause? It's sickening and disgusting and vile and terrible! There are far too many people like that in the world. The pretenders...is what I like to call them. They pretend to love you, they pretend to care, they pretend like you're needed...they pretend that you are....important. There is a special place in Hell for people like that...i'm sure of it. The bad thing is...you sit around and you wait for karma to come around and bite them in the ass, and it never happens as fast as you want it too....or you're not around to witness it. I don't even know if i believe in karma...I haven't seen it in action, so I wouldn't know. 
I was reading Kim Daul blog and watching video's of her, and her words are troubling, and it makes me wonder how many people  fooled her into thinking that she was important and what was the breaking point for her? You can see in the videos that while she sometimes smiles and she sometimes laughs...none of that reaches her eyes. If I can see that as an absolute stranger...why did no one else notice. I guess you can't save everybody....but....everyone wants to feel as if they are important enough for you to at least...........try.

"...it's hard to change the way you lose....if you think you've never won...."

"....in the end, dreams just shatter and fall...........like rain"

Are You...Confused?

In a daze....stuck between a nightmare and a dream.
What is being offered...I should not take, but a part of
me wants to be selfish...reckless, irresponsible....stupid.
Am I crazy? Insane? I'm inclined to think that way.  I don't
do things halfway and it's impossible for me to not become
emotionally attached...but I put myself in these dangerous 
situations and each time I hope for a different outcome.....
a better outcome....only to be disappointed...more and more
each time. I should turn away...I should ignore it....it's screaming...
bad idea. Haven't I learned my lesson time and time again.....and if
i haven't.....when will I? 

Are You...Restless?

Over the last few days I've been reading an interesting blog...
Someone's last words...last thoughts....last feelings...
It's surreal and touching and sad. I can't help but try to understand why
she felt the way she felt, and what went so wrong. It's a sad thing that I 
can admit that...i understand. The world can be a lonely place, and loneliness is
the worst kind of torture imaginable. You can have it all...the world at your fingertips but
if you feel alone...none of those things matter anymore. You know, standing in a crowded
room, surrounded by many people and yet you still feel like you're the only person in the world...
it eats at you...it breaks you down...it destroys you.......it kills you. You feel invisible and it
feels like no one would notice if you were gone, because you feel like no one noticed you while
you were standing right in front of them. I'm guessing that these were the thoughts that she was
having and the feelings that she might have felt. Reading her blog and the mark she left, makes
me feel sad. Why was there no one there to help her? What would it have taken for her to realize that
she wasn't alone? It's a cruel world and you try to stay positive but that gets tiring and then you become
more lost in it all. 
I've been so down lately and I can't seem to find a way to get back up. It kills me that what i'm going
through is not only affecting me, but it's also making my family worry. I try to put on a smile and most
of the time I do, but parents have a way of seeing through things and my parents see right through me.
They have come to recognize my real smiles from my forced smiles. Happy eyes from tortured eyes and it's killing them inside that they can't find a solution. I know that they are aware of the fact that i'm not happy, but i don't think they realize how bad it all has become. I'll continue to try my best to hide it, but i don't know for how much longer I can put on this facade. Everything is bound to spill over...right?
This blog is helping me tremendously...it is allowing me to put my feelings down and get it all out of my head..but what do I do about the feelings that won't leave my heart? Every day is a struggle and the nights are the worse, because when the lights go out and you are laying in the dark....everything you avoided thinking about during the day comes rushing to the front of your mind...when it's quiet...when it's dark...when it's cold...i become....restless....

Are You...Thankful?

Wow...today was actually pretty good. All it takes is a little
time with the family to bring you back from dark times. You
think about how many people would miss you if you just gave up....
I had a long talk with my uncle about what it means to be thankful...
I'm thankful for a lot of things...I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my life and
my health.....but most of all I'm thankful for the really bad times, because when I have the good times...
the bad times make me appreciate the good times more. I have a lot more work to do on myself, I can
only hope that I have the courage to hang on and fight........Are you...thankful?

Are You......Working?

I'm not...I'm struggling with the lack of appreciation here....
So I sit behind my desk and I blog...for now. I'm sure that will change, but...
until then, this is the only place where I can say it how I want to say it.
It's the day before Thanksgiving, so i'm not even quite understanding why
we are here....seems odd for some reason. I think there are maybe 5 of us
in the whole office and a lot of us are planning to leave a little early. I have
a family function to go to later, which is going to be difficult since i've been
up basically all night struggling with thoughts that I shouldn't have and just...
feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to rebound from the "woo-is-me" complex
and realize that there are far more people in the World who have it worse than I do.
It's kind of hard though...you know? When things aren't going the way that you've envisioned
them and planned them, it's hard to jump out of that and be content with what and who you are....
no matter how much you don't like it. Things will be okay...I will be okay...as long as I let it go...t

Are You...Tired of it all?

Tired of trying....
Tired of doing....
Tired of pleasing...
Tired of being stepped on...
Tired of being looked over...
Tired of being dependable....
Tired of caring...
Tired of feeling...
Tired of not being appreciated....
Tired of lies...
Tired of tears...
Tired of existing...
Tired of being tired...
Tired of it all....Are you?

"I don't want to die inside just to breathe in..."

Are You....Sure?

Questions....and more questions....
Where does it end? Where does it begin?
I was inspired by you...crushed by you....loved by you. 
Tears are on automatic....no switch to make them stop.
Swirling in a constant pool of uncertainty and yet you ask me more questions.
How can I give you the answers when I don't know anymore. 
I used to know...I used to live inspired, dedicated....i don't know what those are anymore.
You took everything from me...my senses are dull....I never wanted to become this person. 
Take it back, turn around, fix it. I want to scream, I want to throw things, I want to feel...
Anything...something. It's all gone...I can't go back, you can't undo the damage. Why?
Why am I the only one suffering? Who gave you the right to destroy me? Mangle me?
Give me false hope? Broken promises? I tried my best. I did everything right....
How did it come to this? Who is this broken girl? I don't recognize her. 
I don't want to know her. She's a stranger...the mirror has become my worst enemy. 
Good days? They exist....but the bad days are unbearable....I gave you all the power and for that....
I'm the idiot...I realize that. There is nothing left to be said, there is nothing more that can be done. 
It's over...............................are you sure?