2012...The End(T-list) Edition

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.

-- Henry David Thoreau

My Twitter friends, I don't know what I would do without ya'll. For some of us, this is the 2nd or 3rd New Year for us, and even if it is our 1st...I want to let you all know that I value each and every one of you. You make my life brighter. Some of you are like the little sister's that I wish I had. 

Emzi- You are truly fabulous. It's been a couple years since i've met you. I value our friendship and it's been so nice getting to know you. I hope that in 2013 we continue to talk and get to know each other. :) Have a Happy New Year! You'll always be one of my favorite "mean girl's"! lol

Emilie- Wow, it's been a while since we've met. The girl who shares my hate for people! lol You are one of the funniest girls I know, and I hope you'll always stay that way(even when you get OLD!) lol. I hope that we'll continue to be friends in the coming year and beyond that. Have a Happy New Year!

Saph- My other favorite "mean girl". It hasn't been that long since we've met, but I don't think I know anyone as awesome as you are. I love how you keep it real and say shit how it is. There isn't enough people in the world like us! I look forward to talking with you more and getting to know you more in 2013! Happy New Year. Stay safe, healthy, happy and awesome! 

Marie- I can't remember how long we've known each other, but we've gone through 3 fandom's together. I love you, and one of the greatest experiences was getting the chance to meet you! You are truly one of the sweetest girl's I know, and I hope we have more chances in the future to meet! Happy New Year! 

Hyejin- It has been such a pleasure getting to know you. You have such a fun and outgoing personality and I hope that never changes! I hope that we continue to be friends in 2013 and beyond that. Let's keep watching Degrassi! lol...I hope 2013 brings you much happiness and health! 

Hyewon- We should talk more! :) I'm glad to have met you, and I can sincerely say that I think that you are one of the sweetest people ever. I hope that we'll get to know each other better! Happy New Year and I hope 2013 is amazing for you!

To anyone that I might have missed, it doesn't mean that I don't like you...it just means that my fingers are tired! LMAO. I love you all, and have a blessed and happy New Year! 

-Sierra

Inspire...

It's been a while since I've posted, things have been up and down. I've been hanging out more and trying to have fun while my bestie is here, but sometimes crazy thoughts creep in out of nowhere. I'm not going to elaborate on these things, because this post is just about some of my favorite inspirational quotes. I hope they inspire you.

I'm Selfish....

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
-Marilyn Monroe

Two Hearts

Today  (11/5/2012) was a really good day. I'm all smiles. I was able to do a lot and say a lot. I've found some understanding and some answers and they were inside of two hearts. We finally left my house for an extended time today. We went to the mall, walked around and people watched. We had ice cream, pretzels and then we went for sushi. We avoided New Seoul Garden, because we really didn't want to see anyone we knew. We ended up going for a couple drinks and to karaoke....just the two of us. It felt good...even though I know that this bubble we've built around ourselves can't last forever and eventually I'm going to have to share him with other people...I'm really enjoying having this time with him. He knew that I needed it, because he made no plans with anyone for this entire first week that he's been here. I was having a hard time, and he knew it. I wish I could post it all here...everything that was going on with me, but I can't put it into words...I just wasn't in a good place emotionally. Have you ever been sleep and thought you were crying in your dream, but it turns out you were crying for real? I was waking up with tears running down my face, and it wasn't a quiet cry with a few tears, it was a full breakdown. It was happening every night, but in the last 4 nights it's only happened once, and Yuta is was there to shake me awake and let me know that everything is okay. I haven't told my parents about this happening, because I don't want to worry them...as always. I only wish I could remember what I was dreaming about when this happens. 

I'm so thankful for Yuta, because even though he's so jet lagged, he is still doing everything I want him to do without complaints. So, thank you Yuta for being my gym partner, my dance partner, my guardian during my doctor's appointments, my strength coach during physical therapy....my best best best best best best best friend! I could not have made it through the last few days without you! :) 

"the road we walk side by side, and the scenery same as usual…

your smile brighten them all.

each time when the bottom of our hearts colored, I confirm my feelings for you which never change.

we’ll never release our hands we hold strongly.

I seize whole of overflowing light and shadow. 

the desired future, and the other side of darkness…

let’s go to see them together.

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts.

(the number of nights spreads the distance from our beginning.)

when you may forget it, just listen carefully.

the important thing is always close to you, so you are not alone.

I can hear our two heart beats.

I always stare at your eyes deeply, and I’ll never look away.

I gather your spilled tears and smiles.

we can share the pain of our past and the dither of our tomorrow.

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts.

we’ve chosen it to greet this moment.

the answer we found can’t settle in “fate” or “destiny”.

we’ll never release our hands we hold strongly.

I seize whole of overflowing light and shadow.

the desired future, and the other side of darkness…

let’s go to see them together.

anywhere is alright (even though any place).

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts."

Daichi Miura-Two Hearts

Friends With Benefits

Get your minds out of the gutter! This is a movie that Yuta and I watched the other day and I have to say that if you have guy friends... definitely watch this movie with them. It makes for hilarious conversations and maybe even some awkward moments! If you haven't heard of this movie before here is the synopsis:

Jamie (Mila Kunis) is a New York head-hunter trying to sign Los Angeles-based Dylan (Justin Timberlake) for her client. When he takes the job and makes the move, they quickly become friends. Their friendship turns into a friendship with benefits, but with Jamie's emotionally damaged past and Dylan's history of being emotionally unavailable, they have to try to not fall for each other the way Hollywood romantic comedies dictate.Written by napierslogs

Jamie and Dylan, on opposite coasts, break up with their lovers: each separately vows to stay out of emotional entanglements. So when Jamie recruits Dylan to run GQ's art department in NYC - and she's the only person he knows in Manhattan - they decide to be friends with sexual benefits. It works well until Jamie meets a pediatric cardiologist who just might be a match, and Dylan invites her to come home with him to LA for Thanksgiving. He may be jealous of the doc, she may be sending new vibes in Dylan's direction, but can either see the signals? And, is it inevitable that life imitates art?

I thought it was a really fun movie, with some really funny quotes and some real life questions that come up when you have "that" friend and you wonder if it could ever be non-complicated. Of course, that never works, but it doesn't stop people from trying to separate sex from emotions, which is where the interesting conversations with your male friends come in. Yuta seems to think that it's possible for a male and female who are friends to have a sexual relationship with no strings attached(another movie we watched). I don't agree with him. I think that eventually it'll become harder to hide the fact that underneath it all, it is natural for some feelings to start to develop, and that realization can come from the male or the female. I definitely don't think that all women are incapable of separation of sex and emotions, but I do believe that it's harder for some of us.

Here are some quotes I thought were funny from the movie:

Dylan: "Why do women think the only way to get a man to do what they want is to manipulate him?"
Jamie: "History, personal experience, romantic comedies"
-soooooo true-

Jamie: "No emotions, just sex"
Dylan: "I guess we should just start"
Jamie: "Bedroom:"
Dylan: "What's wrong with the couch?"
Jamie: "The bedroom has better light, and since we're just friends I don't have to be insecure about my body."
Dylan: "Come on, you're beautiful, you have nothing to..."
Jamie: "No no no no no! That sounds emotionally supportive...lock that down!"
Dylan: "Your ass is a little bony."
Jamie: "Much better."
-lmao I loved Jamie, she shut the emotions down and went straight to business!-


Lorna: "So my daughter is just your slam piece?"
Dylan: "No, uh."
Lorna: "Just kidding - slam away!"
-haha, Jamie's mom was hilarious, she was dealing with her own men issues, which is part of the reason Jamie is so emotionally damaged-

Dylan (to Jamie): "Is it your special time? They have an app for that. No wait...." (looks at phone) "No. you're good to go"
-I think I died from laughing, because he literally took his iphone and waved it around her, and then Yuta asks "is there really an app for that?" lmao!-



Overall, it was a good movie. It had most of what I look for in rom-com movies: wit, characters I can relate to, topics that I can relate to and fun. I would love to hear another males opinion when it comes to friends with benefits....what do you think?

Reconnecting

Reconnecting....disconnecting....reconnecting again. That's what I've been doing the last few days. I've avoided Twitter and most other social media sites. When this is published, it'll be my first time back after some pretty amazing days. I just want to let you all know that things are really looking up for me. Yuta is back and I've been spending every waking moment talking to him, listening to him, living with him, watching him...being with him. It's funny, our mom's called today and asked when we were going to finally come out of hiding. We can't be torn apart right now. The late night cooking sessions, the heart to heart talks, the silly dancing around the house, the late night movie sessions laying on the couch with blankets, pillows, a big bowl of popcorn, a beer for him and a glass of wine for me. These are some of the things I've been enjoying since he came back on Friday. Eating at our favorite places, walking in our favorite park, going to our secret place. The place where we would go when we were upset about something, happy about something, or celebrating something. The spot where he told me that they were moving the Japan. It's usually so fast paced when he comes back. He's off to meet up with some of his guy friend's who've missed him or our parents plan these family days. This time has been slow for us. Slowly reconnecting and just enjoying each other.

I can't get the words out that I really want and need to say. I guess I'm not ready for everyone to know yet. I want to keep this to myself for a little while. Just this once I want to be selfish and only think about what I want. Just let me keep this one thing to myself and in my heart for a little while longer. I'm so happy, I feel like if I share it, it'll somehow disappear. It's really cold these day's, but I'm warmer than I've ever been. I'm radiating heat from the inside out. Life is tricky, it's the hardest thing you'll ever encounter. The trick is meeting people and cultivating relationships that make life worth it. I think I've finally found the perfect recipe and it's come at the perfect time. I won't make this blog post any longer than it needs to be, because the more I write, the more I want to shout the words that I want to keep to myself.

I can't promise that I'll be as active as before on Twitter during this time(at least not on my public account, which this blog is linked to). I'll post some interesting things on my private account though. I'll be back soon, until then......

What Kind Of Mom Will You Be?

My mother asked me this question today. She wanted to know if I thought that she made any mistakes in raising me. It didn't take me long to give her my answer or explain my answer. My mom is awesome, my dad is awesome and I don't think that I could have been born to better people. I owe them more than my entire life. I didn't grow up with strict parents. They trusted me 100%. I was the only one in high school who didn't have a curfew, they never needed to know where I was going or why I was leaving so late. The only thing that they asked is that I call them and let them know that I was safe, and that our lines of communication on all topics remained open. Some of my friend's parents thought that this was too much freedom, but I think that it molded me in a different way then it did with my friends. They all had strict parents and no freedom and most of them became teenage parents and/or have/had no direction in life, because the moment they tasted freedom....they went wild, like caged animals let free. I think that trusting your children to make the right choices is a major part of parenting. If you keep them too sheltered, they won't know how to respond to anything different. 

My mom also made me independent from a very early age. I was 7 when I began doing my own laundry, ironing my own clothes, washing the dishes and helping cook. As I look back on that, I realize that what my mom was doing was preparing me not to rely on anyone to do anything for me. I work with this woman who is 42 and she doesn't know how to cook, her mom still does her laundry and that's sad. I appreciate the fact that my mom made me self sufficient. I would not have made it as far as I have without the drive to work towards goals. I wouldn't have my own house, I wouldn't have 2 cars...there are a lot of things I wouldn't have if she hadn't pushed me to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, she didn't just abandon me and make me do everything myself, she has always been here to help me if I ever need it. Both of my parents have always been here and they'll continue to make sure that I have enough of anything I need....no matter how stubborn I am about accepting help. LOL

I'm a very driven person and I owe that to my parent's enrolling me in dance class at the age of 3. There were times that I hated it, there were times where I cried my eyes out, because I didn't want to do it, but my mom never let me quit. She wiped my tears, buckled me in the car and drove me to class. I remember being so angry that she was making me do something that I didn't want to do, but I came to love dancing and I couldn't see myself living without it, and now I realize that she didn't let me quit, because nothing in life is ever easy and sometimes you have to work for the things that you love most. 

So my answer to that question: I'd be the kind of mom that my mom is to me. Giving, loving, supportive, strong, courageous and trusting.

What kind of mom would you be? 

Time Turner?

I could really use one of these right now, and I wish it were possible. Words can not express how exhausted I've been. How exhausted I am.  My spirits are up, but my body is hating me so much right now. I've been going to sleep past midnight, waking up at 4:00am to workout with my personal trainer from 5am until 6am. Then I go to the dance studio and work on my teacher evaluation piece from 6:30am until 7:30am, shower, work from 8:30am until sometimes 7 or 8pm, then come home take care of my dog's and then it's time to get my gym clothes, dance clothes and work clothes prepared for the next day. Everything is a blur....I haven't been eating anything. I think I've had maybe 2 meals in the last 4 days. There is just not enough time. Grab a banana, grab a granola bar, grab some yogurt and keep it moving.  It's becoming difficult for my body to take the strain, but because someone told me that I can't do it...it makes me that much more determined to do it. I want to know how far I can take my body, how much can it endure? I need to know how strong I really am.

This is worrisome to my parents and my friend's of course, but to me....I know no other way. Idle hands are the devils playground so I must keep going, even if I fall down, even if I crumble....I must get back up and keep going. It helps that I'm doing everything with a smile on my face. I feel good emotionally, but mentally and physically it's starting to hurt. How great would it be if I could be in 4 places at once? Although I'll fall....I don't want anyone to worry. I'll be okay and even if I won't be okay...I'm fine with that. I'm living with all my strength. I just want more time, more time to be with family, more time to be with friend's....more time to do more....be more.  Cheer me on! 

Anxiety

"Anxiety attacks usually peak within ten minutes, and they rarely last more than thirty minutes. But during that short time, the terror can be so severe that you feel as if you’re about to die or totally lose control. The physical symptoms of anxiety attacks are themselves so frightening that many people believe they’re having a heart attack."

Welcome to my world... it's one of the scariest things to go through, and the sick thing about it is...the moment it's over you can immediately cause another one, because now you're worried about having one again.

More Than Anything....

I want to be at peace. At peace with my life, my soul and most of all....my decisions.

Stronger!/Softer! Faster!/Slower!

It's been a few days since I've been able to update and that has a lot to do with the title of this blog post. I've had the same dance teacher since I was about 5. She is absolutely amazing, but she is in no way nice. She works you and she works you hard. She was one of the only people who didn't treat me like a complete invalid when my back injury took me out of dancing competitively. She still works with me and she still expects me to handle any and all pressure that she puts on me. I was abused for a little over a week, but I can say that I haven't felt this conditioned and dare I say....good, in such a long time. So for that I thank her...a lot!

The reason that I'm working with her so earnestly is because the dance school that I teach at has what they call "Teacher Evaluation and Promotion" it's where all the teacher's fill out this sheet of paper with the current age group class we teach and then we also have to write what age group we want to teach next year, how many classes we want to teach and how many performances we want for the next year. It's a little bit stressful, because if you sign up with the aspiration of teaching the teenage group, your performance has to include elements that you would have to teach to dancers of that caliber. Now, let's get something straight....I've been teaching 4-6 yr for over 4 years now, and you don't really need to know much more than the basics with them, so this year with the hope of teaching the 15-17yr group as well, I've had to work my ass off. 

When I started last week I thought I had the most perfect music and routine prepared and was excited to show it to the teacher...well, I was wrong...so wrong. She ripped me into pieces. Imagine someone screaming at you: "Faster! It's too slow! Soften your wrist, Sierra! Did you forget all your technique while you were sleeping?!? Again! Again! Again! Stronger!" yeah.....that was my day for 14 hours last Saturday and 10 hours last Sunday and 6 hours all this week. The other day I got a nosebleed and she comes over, gives me a towel and says "Clean it up and get back to it. Again." I think something in my head snapped, because I started laughing like a maniac. She's a tough woman, but she knows what she's doing and she wouldn't work me this hard if she didn't loveeeee  me (at least that's what I tell myself LOL)

Anyway, I think I'll be completely ready in two weeks. My friend already mixed my music, and it sounds so good together. I was able to pick my own music and here is 1 of the 4 songs I picked. I think it plays on the strength and softness of what my dance teacher is looking for and not to mention the drama is really good too!

Until Next Time....

Random Thoughts

This is the first time that I didn't have a title before starting to write, which means that this blog post is probably going to become random at some points, because my thoughts are all over the place. I probably should be resting since I just got out of the hospital today. I spent a day and a half stuck in a cold room, with fluids being pumped throughout my body. I don't have anyone to blame for that other than myself, because if I'm being truthful...I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I'm not eating, I'm working out like crazy and I'm super focused on work, another thing is sometimes I get so tired of worrying about myself. I can't afford to do that, but sometimes things just get out of hand and I want a break from having to worry about what i'm eating...when I'm eating and how much i'm eating. So for me...it's easier to just forget about eating, but when that happens I end up with low blood sugar and....in the hospital. 

I'm so out of it lately, like...I don't care about anything....

Neurotic Insecurity

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. -Robert A. Heinlein

Play Things, Trust and Pissed Off Friends

This blog post for the most part is pretty comical and if you are in my "trust circle" you have probably read parts of it on my private twitter account. Anyway, last night I received a phone call from Yuta's "flavor of the month" <--ha ha I make him sound like such a man-whore. He really isn't though! Well, that phone call was very interesting, because this girl starts off yelling at me in japanese, and I didn't understand much of what she was saying, because I don't speak japanese...obviously, and she made it even more confusing when I tried to stop her and ask her what she was talking about, because then she started throwing in random english words that didn't quite make sense. The best I came up with was "who are you? why is your number in yuta's phone? how do you know him?" I'm sure there were some colorful words within and in between those sentences, but I won't mention it here. LOL. She didn't give me a chance to try and explain, because I started laughing...like uncontrollable, tears in my eyes laughing and then she called me something(i'm sure it was bitch) and hung up the phone.

Anyway, I debated for a little while if I should let Yuta know that she called me, and I decided that I would. I also decided that since I know him like the back of my hand and I know that how he handles the situation is going to depend mostly on how I reacted towards the disrespect...soooooo...I decided to pretend that I was really upset, and I put on a show....a really good one. By the time I was finished screaming at his face through Skype and telling him how much his taste in women sucked and that he should really think about dating more mature and secure women, he said that he was going to call her and tell her that they couldn't talk anymore. This is where I stopped and well the conversation went a little something like this:

Me: "okay, okay...I'm joking. I'm not upset. I actually laughed. Did you really think that I would really be that upset about it when it's happened before?"
Yuta: "hell, i don't know. I would have been upset, so I figured that you would be too."
Me: "It's never happened to you so you don't know anything, loser."
Yuta: "I guess you're right, but still I don't like that shit"
Me: "Calm down geez....just tell her that I'm your best friend, i don't mean any harm and I'm absolutely not a threat...standard procedure, you know the drill buddy."


here is where the conversation gets a little sticky and as I often have to do...i laughed his statement off and ended the conversation.

Yuta: "...but what if you are a threat? You could be one if you really wanted to."

I know what he means by that and he knows that I know, but I would never allow his hope to be the sole reason why he stops talking/dating a girl. That's extremely selfish and I'm not that much of a bitch. lol

This is maybe the 2nd time this has happened since he moved to Japan. It happened more frequently when he was living here. I don't let it get me upset and I won't argue with the girl's, because quite frankly it's an issue that they have within themselves. It has nothing to do with me. Maybe it's the comfort level that we have and how we play around, or maybe I just seem bitchy...i don't know. LOL Sure the nickname he puts under my name in his contacts doesn't help, but I have no control over what he puts in his phone. Sure, the amount of time we spend on the phone and on Skype can be excessive, and I'm not saying that I don't understand them completely. I know that it must be hard to have a boyfriend or even attempt to start up a relationship with a guy who has a female best friend. I can sympathize with that fact. What I can't understand is how some girls can be so insecure, especially since I am thousands of miles away for most of the year. I try to let them know upfront that I'm not around to cause any harm or hinder their relationship with Yuta, but apparently that doesn't work for long, because 3 months into the relationship, according to one of his ex girlfriend's I turn into "the evil bitch who must be destroyed". I noticed that it's more of a girl thing and not a guy thing, because my ex-boyfriend's have never had this feeling towards Yuta. He even still talks to one of them and they are really good friends. Am I friend's with any of Yuta's ex's? ummm....cordial with 1 and the rest cause me to have to watch my back when I visit Japan, because I'm convinced they are hiding in some bushes ready to try and cut me. LOL.

Wow...this is longer than expected and I should probably shorten this, because it's a lot for someone to read and it probably makes no sense anyway! LOL...Bye!

Thinking...

Things have been weird lately. I have my good days or good moments, but i'm still stressed. I wish I could let  some of you into my life. I need an outsiders point of view, maybe then I could find out what i'm doing wrong, or what I'm doing right. I've been trying to live with determination lately and for the most part I've been succeeding, but someone keeps appearing in my life at the most inopportune times. It's a weakness of mine, and I try to tell myself that I'm never going to get ahead if I keep looking back. Why is it that your mind is willing to push aside the horrible memories and dwell on the good times? It's so weird, because the horrible memories are more prevalent than the good and the horrible came more often than the good, so why does my mind seem so eager to disregard that fact? I don't know, I guess deep down I'm searching for something and running from something at the same time. If I stopped running and just gave in, there is a possibility that my life would be so much brighter, but there is an equal possibility that my life could come crashing down around me and all the assurance in the world can't make me feel comfortable with taking that chance....not yet.

Good News...No!...Great News!

Ahhhhhhh! This post has taken me a few hours to write, because I had to calm down and compose myself, because it was something that I wasn't expecting...at all! I'll try to get right to it, but excuse me if I start to ramble a bit, because I'm still not quite sure if I have my thoughts all the way together! Anyway, you all know (well, if you're reading this and I know you...you know) that Yuta, his mom and dad all come to visit 2 times a year. It's usually once from August to September and again from December to January. Yuta left earlier this year, because he had planned to visit the host family we stayed with when we did a year abroad in Spain for university, but his parents stayed here with me, because they are sweet like that.

First part of good news: My mom convinced Yuta's dad to leave his wife here when he returns to Japan at the end of this week. I don't know how she pulled that off, because he can't stand being away from her. They are the sweetest couple I know :)...that brings me to....

Second part of good news: Did you really think that Yuta's dad was going to leave his wife here from September until December without seeing her? No wayyyy....Yuta and his dad are coming back at the end of October and they decided to stay from October 30th until the end of January at which time they will be leaving Yuta here until the beginning of March.  How can they stay away from work that long? Well that brings me to....

Third part of good news: Yuta's dad owns a bank and he presented the idea to his partner that they should open a branch here, and it turns out that my parents have been keeping a huge secret from me, because they have closed a deal on a space and everything is close to being complete! I was wondering why he was pushing Yuta to take all these business classes and accounting seminars and it turns out that Yuta and Eito (the business partners son) will be taking turns in overseeing the bank 6 months at a time...cool thing about Eito....he's dating Katsumi....part of my "Japanese trifecta-Emiko, Miyako and Katsumi" my baby girlssss. So, during the months that Eito is here, Katsumi is going to come once a month!

I don't think anyone can comprehend any of this right now and I'm not sure if I can either, but one thing that I do know is that I'm so incredibly happy. This will give me time to explore my relationship and figure out if I want to take the next step. Well, I'm going to stop now, because I only intended for this blog post to be like 10 lines long! OOPS! LOL

Until next time~

Stress & Trying to Overcome It

I wish that this could be a happier blog post, but that's not the case....so I'll just let it out, and pray that I find some kind of relief or comfort from doing this. Things have been tough on me for the last 3-4 weeks, but I've perfected the art of the "fake smile". I can fool almost anyone, if I try hard enough no one would ever know about my internal struggles. I'm so good at it that I can sometimes fool myself. That's kind of scary, but at the same time...to me...it's a comfort, at least while it lasts. The thing is...it never lasts forever, there is always that one quiet moment where things are calm, and then the huge wrecking ball comes out of nowhere and smashing through the wall of fake smiles and happiness. It's happening more frequently lately and I'm truly so terrified of completely losing myself. What happens when I can no longer fake it? What is that going to feel like? What is that going to look like? Who is going to help me out of the darkness? Will I want to come out of it? Will I be so far gone that there is no turning back? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers and that is why I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping, and I'm withdrawing from everyone. When did this all start? What triggered it? I made a earlier blog post about certain people not realizing what they have done to me. I get so angry when I think about those people, because i'm destroyed, I'm in pieces, but I can't only get angry at them, because in my mind...I accepted the abuse. I didn't get out when I had the chance. I let them do this to me, and I know that. I'm just trying my hardest to get past it.

I'm a slave to my emotions. It's been a rough few weeks, but it's gotten worse these last couple of days. I've been really distracted. I've been really moody, really quiet and finding tears running down my face without even realizing it. I can't really talk about this with anyone which is why i'm writing this out. No matter how I try to map things out and try to figure it all out...I can't come up with a solution. The stress is work related, friend related, family related and health related. Trying to cope with all these different stresses is hard. I can't sleep, because my mind is constantly going...what are you going to do about this?...what are you going to do about that?....what happens if?....what happens when?....it's so exhausting, and in my mind I'm screaming for the thoughts to stop, but they never do. I can feel myself becoming a burden to people and if you have never experienced that, I have to tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is continue to talk to God and pray. I'm not praying that he makes all of my problems disappear, because I know that there is a reason why I'm going through this right now....what do I pray for?...I pray that God helps me face the fear, but not feel scared. I don't want to know what comes next, I just want to be ready for it. Whatever it is that God as planned for me, I don't want to fear it. Whoever is reading this...thank you. I could use some positive energy, thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that whatever any of you are going through in your life, that you get through it, and come out the other end a stronger and better person. 

Until next time....

Wild Horses

I was working on a new dance piece and this was on the cd my mom made for me, and I think I got about half way through before I completely broke down. Why?....simple, it describes how I wish I was and what I wish I could do. I think I finally found a song for my duet demo. Let's hope the tears don't appear on the stage. :)

The Sad Thing Is...

They don't truly know what they've done to me, what they have turned me into....

Birthday Surprises: Day/Night out with Friends

Here are some of the pictures from the day/night I spent out with some of the people who mean the most to me!

 First thing on the list of things to do was an early afternoon session of glow bowling. We had a few drinks before we started playing which will explain the horrible scores in the picture below! LOL

 The letters represent our nicknames, and I'd be killed if I revealed them! haha, all I'll say is that I was #4, I was the only one who was able to use my real name (perks of entering everyone's information) :)

 Above are the shoes that I wore out for the night. I love that they are comfortable and it helps that they are really cute too!

 Dinner, Napa Valley Burger and Garlic Mash....so yummy!

 We left Granite City Eatery and went to buy lobsterita's! There is however no lobster in this drink...that would be gross!

 Let me explain something....when we go out to dinner, we hardly ever stay the same place for dinner, drinks and dessert. We usually go to different places, because we're picky like that. LOL...this brownie was amazing by the way!

This was at the Hard Rock Cafe where we met up with my bestie from here and my godson and daughter. This is called a Poolside Sipper and it was all sorts of good.

Last but not least is a compilation of the gifts I received from Emi and Miya. the shoes are unbelievable!

Birthday Surprises: Day out with Yuta

First I'll start off by saying that I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents (all 4 of them) and some pretty awesome friends. They made this weekend so very special for me and more than I could have ever asked for. The greatest gift had to have been when I showed up at my parent's house on Friday and sitting in the living room was Miyako and Emiko.  The only one missing was Katsumi, but she had a couple lectures to give at the school she teaches at. In order to keep it neat, this will be split into 3 different post. First post: Spending the day with Yuta.

 Started the day before my birthday with Yuta making me breakfast. It was sooo good, and he surprised me, because the last time he tried to cook, it didn't turn out well at all! I appreciated this and it was an amazing thing to wake up to! <3 p="p">

 After breakfast I was instructed to dress in something comfortable and be ready at 2pm. I asked where we going, but I was told it was a surprise and not to ask where we were going at any point that day, because he wasn't telling. He grabbed some blankets, a couple wine glasses, fruit, cheese and a bottle of wine and we set off on the walk to the park. I go to "Shakespeare in the Park" every year, but I didn't know when it was this year. I think I squealed and jumped around a bit when we turned the corner and I saw that Henry V was playing this year. The show was beautiful and the company was great. It was a really good afternoon and one that I won't soon forget.

 After coming back from the park, Yuta dropped me off at Pigalle Salon & MedSpa. He told me that our parent's  had already taken care of everything and to give my name at the front desk and they would handle the rest and he would be back to pick me up for dinner in 3 hours. My first thought was "what the hell am I really going to be doing here for 3 hours?!?", but I was treated to a deep tissue massage, seaweed body wrap,  mini facial, mani and pedi. It was beyond glorious! He came to pick me up and we went to get dinner and by that point I was starving so as soon as the food was put in front of me, I demolished it, which is why you only get a picture of dessert! haha

 No long explanation needed for this picture. This was one of the gifts Yuta bought me, and as you can see...I started eating them before I remembered to take a picture. LOL...they were the most delicious chocolate covered strawberries. I liked the milk chocolate one's the best, because the white chocolate one's were a little extra sweet.

 Now, for the end of the night.....I was surprised with a water show. It's been forever since this fountain has been opened, and it just so happened to open on my birthday weekend. I've included a video at the end of this post so that you can get the full experience...well at least like 55 seconds of it! LOL...I enjoyed the little kids who were watching it with us. :)

What a way to end an amazing day and I couldn't have been more grateful and thankful to have spent it with a guy who would give me the world if he could. My best friend who has always been there to help, listen, frustrate and annoy me. :) 

......and thanks to my parent's for being able to keep a secret.....lol

Next post coming up.....

No Matter...

...how tight he holds me, how many encouraging words he says....the tears won't stop falling....

Best Thing I Never Had...

...and I will always be the best thing you never had....

Today....

...was a beautiful, drama-free, relaxing day. I couldn't have asked for more.

Just When I Thought...

I thought that I solved the issues between CJ, Yuta and my dad. I thought I had extinguished that fire....man, was I wrong.


Things got better on Saturday when I decided to force some "male-bonding time" on them by making CJ and Yuta go golfing with my dad. CJ was sweet about it and was a good sport even though he really doesn't have an interest in golf. My dad acted like an adult and started to teach CJ the in's and out's of golf....I thought everything was good....I was wrong.


Saturday night we were all over my parent's house and we were having dinner and things were pretty quiet which is unusual, because usually it's very lively around the dinner table. My mom was being lukewarm towards CJ, like she was tolerating him, but she wasn't happy about it. My mom is usually such a sweetheart, but when she gets those "mom-knows-best-and-he's-not-right-for-you" feelings there is really nothing you can do, but hope that she'll eventually warm up to the idea....sigh.... I don't even know where to start with her, and I can imagine that it's only going to get worse when Yuta's mom arrives on Thursday. Get those two together and on the same team and there is bound to be trouble. Well, anyway...My mom was being extra sweet towards Yuta and using her limited Japanese she asked him what he thought about CJ. I thought that this was extremely rude, because you don't use a language at the dinner table that not everyone can understand (I swear sometimes, I feel like the only adult in my family). Anywho, from what I heard from Yuta's response it was not really nice. All I was able to catch was "wakawakashii", and "ketsunoana". Which are pretty bad insults. It's rude, but I couldn't really correct Yuta, because CJ has also said some pretty mean things about Yuta...As I said, I thought everything was fine....wrong, I was.


Sunday was a turning point, I had really had enough of them bickering, arguing and throwing insults around so I blew up...I mean, total level 10 bitch fit. I told them both to leave my house and not to come back until they felt like they could be mature adults and stop playing the "I'm more important than you" game. They were shocked and stunned when they left, but I thought I had gotten my point across (I need to stop thinking obviously). Yuta came back and apologized, CJ called and apologized, but said that it'd probably be better if he didn't come back over that night. I wasn't going to argue so I just left it alone. Crisis adverted...right???....WRONG!


Today, it's a beautiful Monday. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, all the elements that make a day perfect. I did some running around this morning and came home to take a quiet nap and just relax. Plan was a success until my parents called and said that they had gotten off of work early and wanted to know if I wanted to bring Yuta and CJ for lunch at New Seoul Garden. I really didn't want to go, because I ate a lot of junk food this weekend and really messed up my diet, but the sushi was calling for me so I bit the bullet and decided that this one meal wouldn't hurt (bad decision).....


We arrived at the restaurant and everything seemed okay, everyone was making polite conversation while we waited to be seated. The waitress comes and I immediately want to run out of the restaurant and not look back. Here's a little back story on this waitress...every time I come to NSG with Yuta she has always assumed that we were a couple. I don't play along with her, but Yuta sometimes does. So, now every time I've been in there she asks me when my "boyfriend" is coming back to the States. Can you see why I wanted to run? So now in a room, you have...me, my mom, my dad, yuta, cj (if you haven't guessed by now, we're dating) and a delusional waitress who thinks that Yuta is my boyfriend...there was no way that this was going to turn out good...at all. 


As soon as we sat down, she parts her lips and says: "oh, so your boyfriend is back in town. I just love you two. You are just the cutest couple. I've missed you guys coming in together!" I swear if I could have dug a hole and buried myself I would have. I looked around the table and everyone was smiling or laughing....except CJ. Uh oh...I guess I forgot to let him in on the joke. Lunch went by pretty smoothly, but as soon as I dropped my parents and yuta off, CJ exploded with accusation after accusation about how it's impossible for girl's to just be friends with boy's and Yuta and I must have had something going on for the waitress to assume that he was my boyfriend and yada yada yada. I didn't respond....I calmly got out of the car, shut the door and left him outside. I don't respond well to yelling and arguing and I'm not going to participate in it. I haven't heard from him since then, and I don't know what I'm going to say to him, but I do know that we are going to have a serious talk about accusing me of things that he doesn't have proof of. Yuta is staying quiet, my mom is as vocal as ever, my dad heard him yelling at me so he's mad....wow....
Just when I thought it was getting better.....

Thinking of You

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction. 

If Women Ruled The World.

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other."

The Reason He Is Irreplaceable...

...because in those really hard moments where I hate being a girl, he doesn't ask questions, he doesn't freak out,  he just gets me what I need and with a pat on the back and a grin  he says "hang in there!" and gives me my space. Who could ask for a better best friend?....that is why he is irrevocably irreplaceable. :)

He made me tea, bought pain meds and loaded music to my ipod. 

My Favorite Place

....is in moments like this....with you....

Turning Page

Sweet lyrics.....


"Though we're tethered to the story we must tell, when I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well."

If It Comes Down To It.....

I'll pick him over you....

Only One

Loving this <3

The song, the dance, the diversity, her voice, everything is simply....perfection! Enjoy it....

Music...

I've been analyzing music a lot differently lately and I'm coming to find that I'm becoming more interested in music and artist that not many people would listen to, or they are too caught up in the big named artist, or they put too much value on the looks of the band. I'm not going to lie....I've been guilty of that and sometimes I still am, but I'm finding more and more each day that it's the artist that I rarely hear about that are really amazing to me. So....close your eyes and open your ears and judge music on the way that it feels and not the way that it looks....

Insecure....

"Insecurity is an ugly thing, it makes you hate people you don't even know." -unknown





Sigh....it feels like it's ending before it really gets started. I had a 2 hour conversation with CJ yesterday about his worries. He's freaked out and worried about Yuta's visit on Thursday. I wish my aunt never told him about how Yuta and I interact, because now he's being insecure. He's saying negative comments about Yuta and has never met him. I know that it's just the insecurity talking but it's not right. I really don't know what to tell him that would make him feel better, but I'm kind of feeling like it's not my job to coddle him and treat him like a child. We are all adults. I should not have to act weird around someone I've known for almost 20 years, just because you aren't secure. Yuta doesn't know about any of this, and now I'm worried about how his visit will turn out. Yuta has always gotten along with the guys I've dated, but somehow I feel like that won't be the case this time. The worst things you can be around Yuta is insecure and jealous. He smells it and feeds on it and it never turns out well. Hopefully it all turns out okay and I don't end up in between a fight, caused by silly insecurities....

Do You Have Butterflies?

I can't control it....

A Matter of Opinion

It's so hard trying to explore the possibility of starting a new relationship when you know deep down that your parents don't agree with your choice. My friend told me that I should just ignore how they feel and continue to live my life the way I want to, but how can I ignore the feelings of the people who have done the most for me? What I'm struggling with the most is their reasoning behind their disapproval. It's all because, in their minds they know who they want me to be with and they have been pushing the issue for yearssss. It just seems like a selfish reason for them to deny me the possibility of maybe having something great with a great guy, just because they have preconceived views on who they want as the in-laws. Y's parents are great, fantastic, loving, loyal and fierce people. They protect me and defend me as if I was their own daughter and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would do whatever they could to make me happy. I love them and would want nothing more than for them to be my mother and father in-law, but I have always thought that, that decision belonged to Y and I. If it's meant to be, it'll be....but my parents need to understand that they can't form biased opinions based on selfish reasoning and that my 父、and 母 will be apart of our lives forever in a capacity that not many people would ever be able to understand ....maybe it's just a matter of opinion....

Recycled Music?

I don't agree with it, I don't like it, I can't stand it, it makes my skin crawl, it's irritating.....it's not cute.

Yes, that is really how I feel. I love kpop and jpop, I really do, but the thing that irritates me to NO end is when these record labels/companies decide that it's a good idea to take Korean songs and recycle them and do a Japanese version.....for what? Why? I don't think it's asking too much for an original song if you're going to venture into the Japanese market. I'm sure I'm just speaking for myself, because there are bound to be herds of you out there that enjoy it, but since this is my blog, I can say what I want. I don't believe that it makes me less of a fan or better than any other fan's. It's just my opinion. Either you love it or hate it.....

The difference between school and life?

In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.

The Letters of Marsilio Ficino, Vol. 3

“In these times I don't, in a manner of speaking, know what I want; perhaps I don't want what I know and want what I don't know.”

Delicious Ambiguity.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.”

Living Life...

Nobody said it would be easy....they just said it would be worth it. :)

Rate of Failure...

"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that’s where you will find success". ~ Thomas J. Watson

Passion...

"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping… waiting… and though unwanted… unbidden… it will stir… open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace… but we would be hollow… Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we’d be truly dead.”

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Know Your Worth....

"Know your worth. It makes no sense to be second in someone's life, when you know you're good enough to be first in someone else's..." -unknown

The Story of Us...Part 1: The New Boy

She remembers it as if it was yesterday even though it was 17 years ago...


Walking in class on the first day of school, catching up with everyone she missed during the summer, when the soft voice of Ms. Jones broke through the chaos and alerted the children that there was a new student joining the class who had just moved there from Japan. There he was, a boy who was tall for his age, skinny with the look of uncertainty and fear upon his face. No one really paid attention or took much notice, but there was a girl who was giving her full attention, watching the boys demeanor and taking note of how frightened he appeared. This girl was by no means shy, she was bossy, up-front and in your face. Personality for days and seemed to draw people in. She wanted to be friends with everybody, and what she wanted, she usually was successful in getting. Big personality from such a little person.


The boy quietly made his way to the back of the classroom and took the empty seat in between the 2 class bullies. He was quiet and tried to keep to himself. The class went on and it seemed like everyone was falling back into the swing of things. Eager minds, eager to continue learning and playing. There was a commotion at the back of the classroom as Evan and Zach proceeded to throw paper balls and erasers at the new boy. The new boy sat there silent. The only emotion clear on his face was fear.


This went on for the last 30 minutes of class and as the bell rang and the children began to file out of the door, the spunky little girl remained in her seat and as Evan walked by she stuck her foot out and he went crashing to the floor. Zach walked by and she picked up her Jem and the Holograms thermos and threw it at his back. Neither of them uttered a word as they  walked out of the classroom. She felt accomplished and proud of herself. She wasn't afraid of any boy and believed in protecting those who couldn't or were unwilling to help themselves.


The new boy had yet to leave the classroom and was collecting his papers from the desk. The girl looked back, gave him a shy smile and left the classroom for recess....her favorite part of the day. Outside in the sun, jumping rope and playing hopscotch with her friends, she was always aware of the little boy sitting against the fence, too shy to ask to join in. The PE teacher called a dodge ball game to order. They chose captains and the captains began to choose players. Of course since no one really knew the new boy, he was picked last. The new boy and the girl ended up on the same team. She noticed that he looked like he would rather be anywhere other than where he was at that moment. She gave him a reassuring grin and the game was started.


She noticed that Evan who was on the other team was taking special interest in the new boy, and not in a good way. Whenever he could he would hurl the ball as hard as he could at the new boy and in the spirit of team unity there was always someone on her team to shield him or gently push him out of the way. Now, the girl noticed Evan doing this and her blood began to boil. Evan didn't take the time to get to know the new boy so she couldn't figure out why he was being so cruel to him. The first chance she got, she grabbed a ball and hurled it at Evan and he was removed from the game. Now they could play in peace.


The game ended(the girls team lost) and recess ended. The afternoon went by fairly smoothly other than the brief argument that ensued between the girl, Evan and Zach as she told them that they should learn some manners. The last class ended and as they were walking out of the building the girl heard a small voice behind her.
"Thank you" she turned around and noticed that it was the new boy and it was the first time she heard him talk all day.
"For what?" the girl asked. 
"For being nice to me." he said as he looked at his shoes. 
She didn't quite understand because she hadn't really interacted with him, they shared awkward reassuring smiles throughout the day and she asked him to join in at recess, but she just thought she was doing the right thing, behaving how her parents had always taught her to behave.
"You're welcome!" she smiled at him showing him her missing tooth. 
"My name is Yuta" the boy smiled back at her. 
"I'm Sierra. You're going to be my friend" she stated matter-of-factly, not giving him a choice...after all, she was bossy.
He just looked at her and smiled and waved as he walked towards the car that was waiting for him. Sierra couldn't help but feel like she had made a good friend and as she waved back and skipped to her mom's car, she couldn't wait to tell her parents all about the shy little boy who she declared as her friend.


....and that's how it started, but wait...the story isn't over yet.....


That is the true story of how I met my best friend. I can't believe that I still remember every little detail about that day, and if that day had never happened, I don't know where I'd be today. I told Yuta that I was going to put "The Story of Us" up on my blog in sections, starting with how we met and touching on different milestones that we have reached together. I think this will be interesting for me and for him...a way to see how much of everything we really remember, and to possibly have it written where we can share it with other's in the future (hint...hint!). 


.....see ya when the next page turns....


Sierra