I'm Selfish....

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
-Marilyn Monroe

Two Hearts

Today  (11/5/2012) was a really good day. I'm all smiles. I was able to do a lot and say a lot. I've found some understanding and some answers and they were inside of two hearts. We finally left my house for an extended time today. We went to the mall, walked around and people watched. We had ice cream, pretzels and then we went for sushi. We avoided New Seoul Garden, because we really didn't want to see anyone we knew. We ended up going for a couple drinks and to karaoke....just the two of us. It felt good...even though I know that this bubble we've built around ourselves can't last forever and eventually I'm going to have to share him with other people...I'm really enjoying having this time with him. He knew that I needed it, because he made no plans with anyone for this entire first week that he's been here. I was having a hard time, and he knew it. I wish I could post it all here...everything that was going on with me, but I can't put it into words...I just wasn't in a good place emotionally. Have you ever been sleep and thought you were crying in your dream, but it turns out you were crying for real? I was waking up with tears running down my face, and it wasn't a quiet cry with a few tears, it was a full breakdown. It was happening every night, but in the last 4 nights it's only happened once, and Yuta is was there to shake me awake and let me know that everything is okay. I haven't told my parents about this happening, because I don't want to worry them...as always. I only wish I could remember what I was dreaming about when this happens. 

I'm so thankful for Yuta, because even though he's so jet lagged, he is still doing everything I want him to do without complaints. So, thank you Yuta for being my gym partner, my dance partner, my guardian during my doctor's appointments, my strength coach during physical therapy....my best best best best best best best friend! I could not have made it through the last few days without you! :) 

"the road we walk side by side, and the scenery same as usual…

your smile brighten them all.

each time when the bottom of our hearts colored, I confirm my feelings for you which never change.

we’ll never release our hands we hold strongly.

I seize whole of overflowing light and shadow. 

the desired future, and the other side of darkness…

let’s go to see them together.

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts.

(the number of nights spreads the distance from our beginning.)

when you may forget it, just listen carefully.

the important thing is always close to you, so you are not alone.

I can hear our two heart beats.

I always stare at your eyes deeply, and I’ll never look away.

I gather your spilled tears and smiles.

we can share the pain of our past and the dither of our tomorrow.

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts.

we’ve chosen it to greet this moment.

the answer we found can’t settle in “fate” or “destiny”.

we’ll never release our hands we hold strongly.

I seize whole of overflowing light and shadow.

the desired future, and the other side of darkness…

let’s go to see them together.

anywhere is alright (even though any place).

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts."

Daichi Miura-Two Hearts

Friends With Benefits

Get your minds out of the gutter! This is a movie that Yuta and I watched the other day and I have to say that if you have guy friends... definitely watch this movie with them. It makes for hilarious conversations and maybe even some awkward moments! If you haven't heard of this movie before here is the synopsis:

Jamie (Mila Kunis) is a New York head-hunter trying to sign Los Angeles-based Dylan (Justin Timberlake) for her client. When he takes the job and makes the move, they quickly become friends. Their friendship turns into a friendship with benefits, but with Jamie's emotionally damaged past and Dylan's history of being emotionally unavailable, they have to try to not fall for each other the way Hollywood romantic comedies dictate.Written by napierslogs

Jamie and Dylan, on opposite coasts, break up with their lovers: each separately vows to stay out of emotional entanglements. So when Jamie recruits Dylan to run GQ's art department in NYC - and she's the only person he knows in Manhattan - they decide to be friends with sexual benefits. It works well until Jamie meets a pediatric cardiologist who just might be a match, and Dylan invites her to come home with him to LA for Thanksgiving. He may be jealous of the doc, she may be sending new vibes in Dylan's direction, but can either see the signals? And, is it inevitable that life imitates art?

I thought it was a really fun movie, with some really funny quotes and some real life questions that come up when you have "that" friend and you wonder if it could ever be non-complicated. Of course, that never works, but it doesn't stop people from trying to separate sex from emotions, which is where the interesting conversations with your male friends come in. Yuta seems to think that it's possible for a male and female who are friends to have a sexual relationship with no strings attached(another movie we watched). I don't agree with him. I think that eventually it'll become harder to hide the fact that underneath it all, it is natural for some feelings to start to develop, and that realization can come from the male or the female. I definitely don't think that all women are incapable of separation of sex and emotions, but I do believe that it's harder for some of us.

Here are some quotes I thought were funny from the movie:

Dylan: "Why do women think the only way to get a man to do what they want is to manipulate him?"
Jamie: "History, personal experience, romantic comedies"
-soooooo true-

Jamie: "No emotions, just sex"
Dylan: "I guess we should just start"
Jamie: "Bedroom:"
Dylan: "What's wrong with the couch?"
Jamie: "The bedroom has better light, and since we're just friends I don't have to be insecure about my body."
Dylan: "Come on, you're beautiful, you have nothing to..."
Jamie: "No no no no no! That sounds emotionally supportive...lock that down!"
Dylan: "Your ass is a little bony."
Jamie: "Much better."
-lmao I loved Jamie, she shut the emotions down and went straight to business!-


Lorna: "So my daughter is just your slam piece?"
Dylan: "No, uh."
Lorna: "Just kidding - slam away!"
-haha, Jamie's mom was hilarious, she was dealing with her own men issues, which is part of the reason Jamie is so emotionally damaged-

Dylan (to Jamie): "Is it your special time? They have an app for that. No wait...." (looks at phone) "No. you're good to go"
-I think I died from laughing, because he literally took his iphone and waved it around her, and then Yuta asks "is there really an app for that?" lmao!-



Overall, it was a good movie. It had most of what I look for in rom-com movies: wit, characters I can relate to, topics that I can relate to and fun. I would love to hear another males opinion when it comes to friends with benefits....what do you think?

Reconnecting

Reconnecting....disconnecting....reconnecting again. That's what I've been doing the last few days. I've avoided Twitter and most other social media sites. When this is published, it'll be my first time back after some pretty amazing days. I just want to let you all know that things are really looking up for me. Yuta is back and I've been spending every waking moment talking to him, listening to him, living with him, watching him...being with him. It's funny, our mom's called today and asked when we were going to finally come out of hiding. We can't be torn apart right now. The late night cooking sessions, the heart to heart talks, the silly dancing around the house, the late night movie sessions laying on the couch with blankets, pillows, a big bowl of popcorn, a beer for him and a glass of wine for me. These are some of the things I've been enjoying since he came back on Friday. Eating at our favorite places, walking in our favorite park, going to our secret place. The place where we would go when we were upset about something, happy about something, or celebrating something. The spot where he told me that they were moving the Japan. It's usually so fast paced when he comes back. He's off to meet up with some of his guy friend's who've missed him or our parents plan these family days. This time has been slow for us. Slowly reconnecting and just enjoying each other.

I can't get the words out that I really want and need to say. I guess I'm not ready for everyone to know yet. I want to keep this to myself for a little while. Just this once I want to be selfish and only think about what I want. Just let me keep this one thing to myself and in my heart for a little while longer. I'm so happy, I feel like if I share it, it'll somehow disappear. It's really cold these day's, but I'm warmer than I've ever been. I'm radiating heat from the inside out. Life is tricky, it's the hardest thing you'll ever encounter. The trick is meeting people and cultivating relationships that make life worth it. I think I've finally found the perfect recipe and it's come at the perfect time. I won't make this blog post any longer than it needs to be, because the more I write, the more I want to shout the words that I want to keep to myself.

I can't promise that I'll be as active as before on Twitter during this time(at least not on my public account, which this blog is linked to). I'll post some interesting things on my private account though. I'll be back soon, until then......