Two Hearts

Today  (11/5/2012) was a really good day. I'm all smiles. I was able to do a lot and say a lot. I've found some understanding and some answers and they were inside of two hearts. We finally left my house for an extended time today. We went to the mall, walked around and people watched. We had ice cream, pretzels and then we went for sushi. We avoided New Seoul Garden, because we really didn't want to see anyone we knew. We ended up going for a couple drinks and to karaoke....just the two of us. It felt good...even though I know that this bubble we've built around ourselves can't last forever and eventually I'm going to have to share him with other people...I'm really enjoying having this time with him. He knew that I needed it, because he made no plans with anyone for this entire first week that he's been here. I was having a hard time, and he knew it. I wish I could post it all here...everything that was going on with me, but I can't put it into words...I just wasn't in a good place emotionally. Have you ever been sleep and thought you were crying in your dream, but it turns out you were crying for real? I was waking up with tears running down my face, and it wasn't a quiet cry with a few tears, it was a full breakdown. It was happening every night, but in the last 4 nights it's only happened once, and Yuta is was there to shake me awake and let me know that everything is okay. I haven't told my parents about this happening, because I don't want to worry them...as always. I only wish I could remember what I was dreaming about when this happens. 

I'm so thankful for Yuta, because even though he's so jet lagged, he is still doing everything I want him to do without complaints. So, thank you Yuta for being my gym partner, my dance partner, my guardian during my doctor's appointments, my strength coach during physical therapy....my best best best best best best best friend! I could not have made it through the last few days without you! :) 

"the road we walk side by side, and the scenery same as usual…

your smile brighten them all.

each time when the bottom of our hearts colored, I confirm my feelings for you which never change.

we’ll never release our hands we hold strongly.

I seize whole of overflowing light and shadow. 

the desired future, and the other side of darkness…

let’s go to see them together.

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts.

(the number of nights spreads the distance from our beginning.)

when you may forget it, just listen carefully.

the important thing is always close to you, so you are not alone.

I can hear our two heart beats.

I always stare at your eyes deeply, and I’ll never look away.

I gather your spilled tears and smiles.

we can share the pain of our past and the dither of our tomorrow.

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts.

we’ve chosen it to greet this moment.

the answer we found can’t settle in “fate” or “destiny”.

we’ll never release our hands we hold strongly.

I seize whole of overflowing light and shadow.

the desired future, and the other side of darkness…

let’s go to see them together.

anywhere is alright (even though any place).

I’m sure that we can go anywhere.

the answer is always inside of two hearts."

Daichi Miura-Two Hearts

Reconnecting

Reconnecting....disconnecting....reconnecting again. That's what I've been doing the last few days. I've avoided Twitter and most other social media sites. When this is published, it'll be my first time back after some pretty amazing days. I just want to let you all know that things are really looking up for me. Yuta is back and I've been spending every waking moment talking to him, listening to him, living with him, watching him...being with him. It's funny, our mom's called today and asked when we were going to finally come out of hiding. We can't be torn apart right now. The late night cooking sessions, the heart to heart talks, the silly dancing around the house, the late night movie sessions laying on the couch with blankets, pillows, a big bowl of popcorn, a beer for him and a glass of wine for me. These are some of the things I've been enjoying since he came back on Friday. Eating at our favorite places, walking in our favorite park, going to our secret place. The place where we would go when we were upset about something, happy about something, or celebrating something. The spot where he told me that they were moving the Japan. It's usually so fast paced when he comes back. He's off to meet up with some of his guy friend's who've missed him or our parents plan these family days. This time has been slow for us. Slowly reconnecting and just enjoying each other.

I can't get the words out that I really want and need to say. I guess I'm not ready for everyone to know yet. I want to keep this to myself for a little while. Just this once I want to be selfish and only think about what I want. Just let me keep this one thing to myself and in my heart for a little while longer. I'm so happy, I feel like if I share it, it'll somehow disappear. It's really cold these day's, but I'm warmer than I've ever been. I'm radiating heat from the inside out. Life is tricky, it's the hardest thing you'll ever encounter. The trick is meeting people and cultivating relationships that make life worth it. I think I've finally found the perfect recipe and it's come at the perfect time. I won't make this blog post any longer than it needs to be, because the more I write, the more I want to shout the words that I want to keep to myself.

I can't promise that I'll be as active as before on Twitter during this time(at least not on my public account, which this blog is linked to). I'll post some interesting things on my private account though. I'll be back soon, until then......

The Reason He Is Irreplaceable...

...because in those really hard moments where I hate being a girl, he doesn't ask questions, he doesn't freak out,  he just gets me what I need and with a pat on the back and a grin  he says "hang in there!" and gives me my space. Who could ask for a better best friend?....that is why he is irrevocably irreplaceable. :)

He made me tea, bought pain meds and loaded music to my ipod. 

Insecure....

"Insecurity is an ugly thing, it makes you hate people you don't even know." -unknown





Sigh....it feels like it's ending before it really gets started. I had a 2 hour conversation with CJ yesterday about his worries. He's freaked out and worried about Yuta's visit on Thursday. I wish my aunt never told him about how Yuta and I interact, because now he's being insecure. He's saying negative comments about Yuta and has never met him. I know that it's just the insecurity talking but it's not right. I really don't know what to tell him that would make him feel better, but I'm kind of feeling like it's not my job to coddle him and treat him like a child. We are all adults. I should not have to act weird around someone I've known for almost 20 years, just because you aren't secure. Yuta doesn't know about any of this, and now I'm worried about how his visit will turn out. Yuta has always gotten along with the guys I've dated, but somehow I feel like that won't be the case this time. The worst things you can be around Yuta is insecure and jealous. He smells it and feeds on it and it never turns out well. Hopefully it all turns out okay and I don't end up in between a fight, caused by silly insecurities....