Stronger!/Softer! Faster!/Slower!

It's been a few days since I've been able to update and that has a lot to do with the title of this blog post. I've had the same dance teacher since I was about 5. She is absolutely amazing, but she is in no way nice. She works you and she works you hard. She was one of the only people who didn't treat me like a complete invalid when my back injury took me out of dancing competitively. She still works with me and she still expects me to handle any and all pressure that she puts on me. I was abused for a little over a week, but I can say that I haven't felt this conditioned and dare I say....good, in such a long time. So for that I thank her...a lot!

The reason that I'm working with her so earnestly is because the dance school that I teach at has what they call "Teacher Evaluation and Promotion" it's where all the teacher's fill out this sheet of paper with the current age group class we teach and then we also have to write what age group we want to teach next year, how many classes we want to teach and how many performances we want for the next year. It's a little bit stressful, because if you sign up with the aspiration of teaching the teenage group, your performance has to include elements that you would have to teach to dancers of that caliber. Now, let's get something straight....I've been teaching 4-6 yr for over 4 years now, and you don't really need to know much more than the basics with them, so this year with the hope of teaching the 15-17yr group as well, I've had to work my ass off. 

When I started last week I thought I had the most perfect music and routine prepared and was excited to show it to the teacher...well, I was wrong...so wrong. She ripped me into pieces. Imagine someone screaming at you: "Faster! It's too slow! Soften your wrist, Sierra! Did you forget all your technique while you were sleeping?!? Again! Again! Again! Stronger!" yeah.....that was my day for 14 hours last Saturday and 10 hours last Sunday and 6 hours all this week. The other day I got a nosebleed and she comes over, gives me a towel and says "Clean it up and get back to it. Again." I think something in my head snapped, because I started laughing like a maniac. She's a tough woman, but she knows what she's doing and she wouldn't work me this hard if she didn't loveeeee  me (at least that's what I tell myself LOL)

Anyway, I think I'll be completely ready in two weeks. My friend already mixed my music, and it sounds so good together. I was able to pick my own music and here is 1 of the 4 songs I picked. I think it plays on the strength and softness of what my dance teacher is looking for and not to mention the drama is really good too!

Until Next Time....

Random Thoughts

This is the first time that I didn't have a title before starting to write, which means that this blog post is probably going to become random at some points, because my thoughts are all over the place. I probably should be resting since I just got out of the hospital today. I spent a day and a half stuck in a cold room, with fluids being pumped throughout my body. I don't have anyone to blame for that other than myself, because if I'm being truthful...I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I'm not eating, I'm working out like crazy and I'm super focused on work, another thing is sometimes I get so tired of worrying about myself. I can't afford to do that, but sometimes things just get out of hand and I want a break from having to worry about what i'm eating...when I'm eating and how much i'm eating. So for me...it's easier to just forget about eating, but when that happens I end up with low blood sugar and....in the hospital. 

I'm so out of it lately, like...I don't care about anything....

Neurotic Insecurity

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. -Robert A. Heinlein

Play Things, Trust and Pissed Off Friends

This blog post for the most part is pretty comical and if you are in my "trust circle" you have probably read parts of it on my private twitter account. Anyway, last night I received a phone call from Yuta's "flavor of the month" <--ha ha I make him sound like such a man-whore. He really isn't though! Well, that phone call was very interesting, because this girl starts off yelling at me in japanese, and I didn't understand much of what she was saying, because I don't speak japanese...obviously, and she made it even more confusing when I tried to stop her and ask her what she was talking about, because then she started throwing in random english words that didn't quite make sense. The best I came up with was "who are you? why is your number in yuta's phone? how do you know him?" I'm sure there were some colorful words within and in between those sentences, but I won't mention it here. LOL. She didn't give me a chance to try and explain, because I started laughing...like uncontrollable, tears in my eyes laughing and then she called me something(i'm sure it was bitch) and hung up the phone.

Anyway, I debated for a little while if I should let Yuta know that she called me, and I decided that I would. I also decided that since I know him like the back of my hand and I know that how he handles the situation is going to depend mostly on how I reacted towards the disrespect...soooooo...I decided to pretend that I was really upset, and I put on a show....a really good one. By the time I was finished screaming at his face through Skype and telling him how much his taste in women sucked and that he should really think about dating more mature and secure women, he said that he was going to call her and tell her that they couldn't talk anymore. This is where I stopped and well the conversation went a little something like this:

Me: "okay, okay...I'm joking. I'm not upset. I actually laughed. Did you really think that I would really be that upset about it when it's happened before?"
Yuta: "hell, i don't know. I would have been upset, so I figured that you would be too."
Me: "It's never happened to you so you don't know anything, loser."
Yuta: "I guess you're right, but still I don't like that shit"
Me: "Calm down geez....just tell her that I'm your best friend, i don't mean any harm and I'm absolutely not a threat...standard procedure, you know the drill buddy."


here is where the conversation gets a little sticky and as I often have to do...i laughed his statement off and ended the conversation.

Yuta: "...but what if you are a threat? You could be one if you really wanted to."

I know what he means by that and he knows that I know, but I would never allow his hope to be the sole reason why he stops talking/dating a girl. That's extremely selfish and I'm not that much of a bitch. lol

This is maybe the 2nd time this has happened since he moved to Japan. It happened more frequently when he was living here. I don't let it get me upset and I won't argue with the girl's, because quite frankly it's an issue that they have within themselves. It has nothing to do with me. Maybe it's the comfort level that we have and how we play around, or maybe I just seem bitchy...i don't know. LOL Sure the nickname he puts under my name in his contacts doesn't help, but I have no control over what he puts in his phone. Sure, the amount of time we spend on the phone and on Skype can be excessive, and I'm not saying that I don't understand them completely. I know that it must be hard to have a boyfriend or even attempt to start up a relationship with a guy who has a female best friend. I can sympathize with that fact. What I can't understand is how some girls can be so insecure, especially since I am thousands of miles away for most of the year. I try to let them know upfront that I'm not around to cause any harm or hinder their relationship with Yuta, but apparently that doesn't work for long, because 3 months into the relationship, according to one of his ex girlfriend's I turn into "the evil bitch who must be destroyed". I noticed that it's more of a girl thing and not a guy thing, because my ex-boyfriend's have never had this feeling towards Yuta. He even still talks to one of them and they are really good friends. Am I friend's with any of Yuta's ex's? ummm....cordial with 1 and the rest cause me to have to watch my back when I visit Japan, because I'm convinced they are hiding in some bushes ready to try and cut me. LOL.

Wow...this is longer than expected and I should probably shorten this, because it's a lot for someone to read and it probably makes no sense anyway! LOL...Bye!

Thinking...

Things have been weird lately. I have my good days or good moments, but i'm still stressed. I wish I could let  some of you into my life. I need an outsiders point of view, maybe then I could find out what i'm doing wrong, or what I'm doing right. I've been trying to live with determination lately and for the most part I've been succeeding, but someone keeps appearing in my life at the most inopportune times. It's a weakness of mine, and I try to tell myself that I'm never going to get ahead if I keep looking back. Why is it that your mind is willing to push aside the horrible memories and dwell on the good times? It's so weird, because the horrible memories are more prevalent than the good and the horrible came more often than the good, so why does my mind seem so eager to disregard that fact? I don't know, I guess deep down I'm searching for something and running from something at the same time. If I stopped running and just gave in, there is a possibility that my life would be so much brighter, but there is an equal possibility that my life could come crashing down around me and all the assurance in the world can't make me feel comfortable with taking that chance....not yet.

Good News...No!...Great News!

Ahhhhhhh! This post has taken me a few hours to write, because I had to calm down and compose myself, because it was something that I wasn't expecting...at all! I'll try to get right to it, but excuse me if I start to ramble a bit, because I'm still not quite sure if I have my thoughts all the way together! Anyway, you all know (well, if you're reading this and I know you...you know) that Yuta, his mom and dad all come to visit 2 times a year. It's usually once from August to September and again from December to January. Yuta left earlier this year, because he had planned to visit the host family we stayed with when we did a year abroad in Spain for university, but his parents stayed here with me, because they are sweet like that.

First part of good news: My mom convinced Yuta's dad to leave his wife here when he returns to Japan at the end of this week. I don't know how she pulled that off, because he can't stand being away from her. They are the sweetest couple I know :)...that brings me to....

Second part of good news: Did you really think that Yuta's dad was going to leave his wife here from September until December without seeing her? No wayyyy....Yuta and his dad are coming back at the end of October and they decided to stay from October 30th until the end of January at which time they will be leaving Yuta here until the beginning of March.  How can they stay away from work that long? Well that brings me to....

Third part of good news: Yuta's dad owns a bank and he presented the idea to his partner that they should open a branch here, and it turns out that my parents have been keeping a huge secret from me, because they have closed a deal on a space and everything is close to being complete! I was wondering why he was pushing Yuta to take all these business classes and accounting seminars and it turns out that Yuta and Eito (the business partners son) will be taking turns in overseeing the bank 6 months at a time...cool thing about Eito....he's dating Katsumi....part of my "Japanese trifecta-Emiko, Miyako and Katsumi" my baby girlssss. So, during the months that Eito is here, Katsumi is going to come once a month!

I don't think anyone can comprehend any of this right now and I'm not sure if I can either, but one thing that I do know is that I'm so incredibly happy. This will give me time to explore my relationship and figure out if I want to take the next step. Well, I'm going to stop now, because I only intended for this blog post to be like 10 lines long! OOPS! LOL

Until next time~

Stress & Trying to Overcome It

I wish that this could be a happier blog post, but that's not the case....so I'll just let it out, and pray that I find some kind of relief or comfort from doing this. Things have been tough on me for the last 3-4 weeks, but I've perfected the art of the "fake smile". I can fool almost anyone, if I try hard enough no one would ever know about my internal struggles. I'm so good at it that I can sometimes fool myself. That's kind of scary, but at the same time...to me...it's a comfort, at least while it lasts. The thing is...it never lasts forever, there is always that one quiet moment where things are calm, and then the huge wrecking ball comes out of nowhere and smashing through the wall of fake smiles and happiness. It's happening more frequently lately and I'm truly so terrified of completely losing myself. What happens when I can no longer fake it? What is that going to feel like? What is that going to look like? Who is going to help me out of the darkness? Will I want to come out of it? Will I be so far gone that there is no turning back? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers and that is why I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping, and I'm withdrawing from everyone. When did this all start? What triggered it? I made a earlier blog post about certain people not realizing what they have done to me. I get so angry when I think about those people, because i'm destroyed, I'm in pieces, but I can't only get angry at them, because in my mind...I accepted the abuse. I didn't get out when I had the chance. I let them do this to me, and I know that. I'm just trying my hardest to get past it.

I'm a slave to my emotions. It's been a rough few weeks, but it's gotten worse these last couple of days. I've been really distracted. I've been really moody, really quiet and finding tears running down my face without even realizing it. I can't really talk about this with anyone which is why i'm writing this out. No matter how I try to map things out and try to figure it all out...I can't come up with a solution. The stress is work related, friend related, family related and health related. Trying to cope with all these different stresses is hard. I can't sleep, because my mind is constantly going...what are you going to do about this?...what are you going to do about that?....what happens if?....what happens when?....it's so exhausting, and in my mind I'm screaming for the thoughts to stop, but they never do. I can feel myself becoming a burden to people and if you have never experienced that, I have to tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is continue to talk to God and pray. I'm not praying that he makes all of my problems disappear, because I know that there is a reason why I'm going through this right now....what do I pray for?...I pray that God helps me face the fear, but not feel scared. I don't want to know what comes next, I just want to be ready for it. Whatever it is that God as planned for me, I don't want to fear it. Whoever is reading this...thank you. I could use some positive energy, thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that whatever any of you are going through in your life, that you get through it, and come out the other end a stronger and better person. 

Until next time....

Wild Horses

I was working on a new dance piece and this was on the cd my mom made for me, and I think I got about half way through before I completely broke down. Why?....simple, it describes how I wish I was and what I wish I could do. I think I finally found a song for my duet demo. Let's hope the tears don't appear on the stage. :)

The Sad Thing Is...

They don't truly know what they've done to me, what they have turned me into....

Birthday Surprises: Day/Night out with Friends

Here are some of the pictures from the day/night I spent out with some of the people who mean the most to me!

 First thing on the list of things to do was an early afternoon session of glow bowling. We had a few drinks before we started playing which will explain the horrible scores in the picture below! LOL

 The letters represent our nicknames, and I'd be killed if I revealed them! haha, all I'll say is that I was #4, I was the only one who was able to use my real name (perks of entering everyone's information) :)

 Above are the shoes that I wore out for the night. I love that they are comfortable and it helps that they are really cute too!

 Dinner, Napa Valley Burger and Garlic Mash....so yummy!

 We left Granite City Eatery and went to buy lobsterita's! There is however no lobster in this drink...that would be gross!

 Let me explain something....when we go out to dinner, we hardly ever stay the same place for dinner, drinks and dessert. We usually go to different places, because we're picky like that. LOL...this brownie was amazing by the way!

This was at the Hard Rock Cafe where we met up with my bestie from here and my godson and daughter. This is called a Poolside Sipper and it was all sorts of good.

Last but not least is a compilation of the gifts I received from Emi and Miya. the shoes are unbelievable!

Birthday Surprises: Day out with Yuta

First I'll start off by saying that I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents (all 4 of them) and some pretty awesome friends. They made this weekend so very special for me and more than I could have ever asked for. The greatest gift had to have been when I showed up at my parent's house on Friday and sitting in the living room was Miyako and Emiko.  The only one missing was Katsumi, but she had a couple lectures to give at the school she teaches at. In order to keep it neat, this will be split into 3 different post. First post: Spending the day with Yuta.

 Started the day before my birthday with Yuta making me breakfast. It was sooo good, and he surprised me, because the last time he tried to cook, it didn't turn out well at all! I appreciated this and it was an amazing thing to wake up to! <3 p="p">

 After breakfast I was instructed to dress in something comfortable and be ready at 2pm. I asked where we going, but I was told it was a surprise and not to ask where we were going at any point that day, because he wasn't telling. He grabbed some blankets, a couple wine glasses, fruit, cheese and a bottle of wine and we set off on the walk to the park. I go to "Shakespeare in the Park" every year, but I didn't know when it was this year. I think I squealed and jumped around a bit when we turned the corner and I saw that Henry V was playing this year. The show was beautiful and the company was great. It was a really good afternoon and one that I won't soon forget.

 After coming back from the park, Yuta dropped me off at Pigalle Salon & MedSpa. He told me that our parent's  had already taken care of everything and to give my name at the front desk and they would handle the rest and he would be back to pick me up for dinner in 3 hours. My first thought was "what the hell am I really going to be doing here for 3 hours?!?", but I was treated to a deep tissue massage, seaweed body wrap,  mini facial, mani and pedi. It was beyond glorious! He came to pick me up and we went to get dinner and by that point I was starving so as soon as the food was put in front of me, I demolished it, which is why you only get a picture of dessert! haha

 No long explanation needed for this picture. This was one of the gifts Yuta bought me, and as you can see...I started eating them before I remembered to take a picture. LOL...they were the most delicious chocolate covered strawberries. I liked the milk chocolate one's the best, because the white chocolate one's were a little extra sweet.

 Now, for the end of the night.....I was surprised with a water show. It's been forever since this fountain has been opened, and it just so happened to open on my birthday weekend. I've included a video at the end of this post so that you can get the full experience...well at least like 55 seconds of it! LOL...I enjoyed the little kids who were watching it with us. :)

What a way to end an amazing day and I couldn't have been more grateful and thankful to have spent it with a guy who would give me the world if he could. My best friend who has always been there to help, listen, frustrate and annoy me. :) 

......and thanks to my parent's for being able to keep a secret.....lol

Next post coming up.....

No Matter...

...how tight he holds me, how many encouraging words he says....the tears won't stop falling....

Best Thing I Never Had...

...and I will always be the best thing you never had....

Today....

...was a beautiful, drama-free, relaxing day. I couldn't have asked for more.

Just When I Thought...

I thought that I solved the issues between CJ, Yuta and my dad. I thought I had extinguished that fire....man, was I wrong.


Things got better on Saturday when I decided to force some "male-bonding time" on them by making CJ and Yuta go golfing with my dad. CJ was sweet about it and was a good sport even though he really doesn't have an interest in golf. My dad acted like an adult and started to teach CJ the in's and out's of golf....I thought everything was good....I was wrong.


Saturday night we were all over my parent's house and we were having dinner and things were pretty quiet which is unusual, because usually it's very lively around the dinner table. My mom was being lukewarm towards CJ, like she was tolerating him, but she wasn't happy about it. My mom is usually such a sweetheart, but when she gets those "mom-knows-best-and-he's-not-right-for-you" feelings there is really nothing you can do, but hope that she'll eventually warm up to the idea....sigh.... I don't even know where to start with her, and I can imagine that it's only going to get worse when Yuta's mom arrives on Thursday. Get those two together and on the same team and there is bound to be trouble. Well, anyway...My mom was being extra sweet towards Yuta and using her limited Japanese she asked him what he thought about CJ. I thought that this was extremely rude, because you don't use a language at the dinner table that not everyone can understand (I swear sometimes, I feel like the only adult in my family). Anywho, from what I heard from Yuta's response it was not really nice. All I was able to catch was "wakawakashii", and "ketsunoana". Which are pretty bad insults. It's rude, but I couldn't really correct Yuta, because CJ has also said some pretty mean things about Yuta...As I said, I thought everything was fine....wrong, I was.


Sunday was a turning point, I had really had enough of them bickering, arguing and throwing insults around so I blew up...I mean, total level 10 bitch fit. I told them both to leave my house and not to come back until they felt like they could be mature adults and stop playing the "I'm more important than you" game. They were shocked and stunned when they left, but I thought I had gotten my point across (I need to stop thinking obviously). Yuta came back and apologized, CJ called and apologized, but said that it'd probably be better if he didn't come back over that night. I wasn't going to argue so I just left it alone. Crisis adverted...right???....WRONG!


Today, it's a beautiful Monday. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, all the elements that make a day perfect. I did some running around this morning and came home to take a quiet nap and just relax. Plan was a success until my parents called and said that they had gotten off of work early and wanted to know if I wanted to bring Yuta and CJ for lunch at New Seoul Garden. I really didn't want to go, because I ate a lot of junk food this weekend and really messed up my diet, but the sushi was calling for me so I bit the bullet and decided that this one meal wouldn't hurt (bad decision).....


We arrived at the restaurant and everything seemed okay, everyone was making polite conversation while we waited to be seated. The waitress comes and I immediately want to run out of the restaurant and not look back. Here's a little back story on this waitress...every time I come to NSG with Yuta she has always assumed that we were a couple. I don't play along with her, but Yuta sometimes does. So, now every time I've been in there she asks me when my "boyfriend" is coming back to the States. Can you see why I wanted to run? So now in a room, you have...me, my mom, my dad, yuta, cj (if you haven't guessed by now, we're dating) and a delusional waitress who thinks that Yuta is my boyfriend...there was no way that this was going to turn out good...at all. 


As soon as we sat down, she parts her lips and says: "oh, so your boyfriend is back in town. I just love you two. You are just the cutest couple. I've missed you guys coming in together!" I swear if I could have dug a hole and buried myself I would have. I looked around the table and everyone was smiling or laughing....except CJ. Uh oh...I guess I forgot to let him in on the joke. Lunch went by pretty smoothly, but as soon as I dropped my parents and yuta off, CJ exploded with accusation after accusation about how it's impossible for girl's to just be friends with boy's and Yuta and I must have had something going on for the waitress to assume that he was my boyfriend and yada yada yada. I didn't respond....I calmly got out of the car, shut the door and left him outside. I don't respond well to yelling and arguing and I'm not going to participate in it. I haven't heard from him since then, and I don't know what I'm going to say to him, but I do know that we are going to have a serious talk about accusing me of things that he doesn't have proof of. Yuta is staying quiet, my mom is as vocal as ever, my dad heard him yelling at me so he's mad....wow....
Just when I thought it was getting better.....

Thinking of You

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction. 

If Women Ruled The World.

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other."

The Reason He Is Irreplaceable...

...because in those really hard moments where I hate being a girl, he doesn't ask questions, he doesn't freak out,  he just gets me what I need and with a pat on the back and a grin  he says "hang in there!" and gives me my space. Who could ask for a better best friend?....that is why he is irrevocably irreplaceable. :)

He made me tea, bought pain meds and loaded music to my ipod. 

My Favorite Place

....is in moments like this....with you....

Turning Page

Sweet lyrics.....


"Though we're tethered to the story we must tell, when I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well."