Not All Good

Wow...it's been a long time since  I've wrote a blog post and since I've been on twitter. I miss a lot of people. I miss those friendships. I was diagnosed with depression and body image issues a few years ago and I thought that things were getting better and for a time it was. I was planning and growing my future, but lately I've gone backwards. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I start crying out of nowhere and I'm just a mess right now.....and I feel like no one really understands...

One Of My Worst Days....

Today was really hard. Harder than most days....harder than I could have ever imagined. I work in the pediatric field.  It's hard dealing with sick kids every day.  Of course there are some days where you get to see the children that are well, happy and adjusted, but you also see the children that are sick and miserable and those days are the hardest.  Today, a 4 year old beautiful little girl came into the office. I have been involved in the care of this girl since she was 2 days old and just as all the children I encounter every single day, I've come to love her.  Well, she came in today and she was working really hard to breathe, she looked exhausted and like she was going to faint.  The thing that really got to me was the look of fear in her big blue eyes...she was terrified.  I told mom to take off her jacket and shirt so that I could see her stomach and chest. The way that it was caving in with every breath she took frightened me to my core. I knew that something wasn't right, her pulse ox was 89% which is bad, she was breathing hard through her mouth, I grabbed the doctor and told her that I think we needed to call the ambulance.  The EMS arrived and as they put her tiny little body on the stretcher I burst into tears, how could this be happening to such a small little girl.  Now it was time to wait...wait for the hospital to call with an update on her condition.  That call came at 4:00pm.  I was told that she was diagnosed with lymphoma.  There was a huge mass on her right lung and the cancer had also started attacking her kidney's. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Cancer? Why? How? She was rushed to get a CT and a MRI and went immediately to receive chemotherapy.  All I could think about was the pain that her little body was about to endure.  It broke my heart to even think about.

I see things like this all the time and while I love my job, it's stressful.  You become attached to these children and God willing, you watch them grow up.  It hurts me when they are diagnosed with things that children should never have to worry about.  Children are a precious gift from God. Little angels that walk among us on earth and I wish that they were able to remain as pure and innocent as they are when they first enter into the world.  How do you explain to a child something that you don't understand yourself?  She should be in dance class, drawing pictures, playing with her little kitten...not in the hospital, hooked up to tubes.  It makes you realize how much you really have to be grateful for.  Today was one of the worst days of my life.  I will continue to pray for little B and I'll always watch out for her.  If you can....please pray for her as well.

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Friday...Saturday...

This has been a roller-coaster weekend for me so far. I was doing great during most of last week, but late on Friday something happened. Something that knocked me off of balance, I don't know how I let these thoughts get in, but sometimes they slip through the cracks. I don't wish bad luck on anyone, but sometimes these overwhelming thoughts and feelings...scare me, because for a few seconds..for a few minutes, i wish that something horrible would happen to him, or at least I'd like for him to feel even a fraction of the pain that i've been dealing with. That's not the way that I'm supposed to live...those are not the types of thoughts a God fearing person should have. I need to figure out a way to get these feelings of bitterness and resentment out of my heart, because with those two emotions there, i'll never be able to move on, and I realize that. What bothers me the most though is the fact that when I get over it, when I cleanse my soul, when I forget...he comes back and inflicts more pain, and then I'm back to where I started. How do you close the door forever? That's something that I'm figuring out day by day. So, Friday was pretty bad for me, but sometimes all you need is a good cry, and I felt a lot better after I cried my frustrations out. The sun always shines in the morning...right?

Saturday was amazing. I woke up with a new determination to go out get some fresh air and treat myself to a day of doing anything and everything that I wanted to do. I also needed mommy time, because that always makes me feel better. I woke up at 7am and went to get my hair done, because what better way to start off the day than with excellent hair?!? LOL....I finished that and decided to stop by my parents house. My mom was on her way grocery shopping with my brother so I decided to go with her, before my lunch date. I spent a lot of money, but it was good spending some time with them. My lunch date went well too, I enjoy dating and keeping in touch with guys that actually know how to treat a lady. I'm not saying that it's going to go anywhere further, but it's good to date every once in awhile ^^. Saturday night was really good too. I went over to my aunt's house and me and my cousin ordered pizza and we watched Paranormal Activity 1, 2 and 3. I was a little freaked out leaving her house at 1am, but that's just my over active imagination. LOL.

Anyway, I guess that's it. The lesson here is...don't stop moving, even if you slip up one day. Put it behind you and go towards tomorrow with the determination that "today is going to be a better day" Do that and you'll never fail at anything you want to accomplish~

Until next time~

Sierra