Not All Good

Wow...it's been a long time since  I've wrote a blog post and since I've been on twitter. I miss a lot of people. I miss those friendships. I was diagnosed with depression and body image issues a few years ago and I thought that things were getting better and for a time it was. I was planning and growing my future, but lately I've gone backwards. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I start crying out of nowhere and I'm just a mess right now.....and I feel like no one really understands...

Where Have I Been?

Hello world, I'm writing this from bed, which is where I've spent the most time these last 4 days? 5 days? I'm not even sure how many days, because it's been so horrible. I spent half the time at the hospital and the other half at the neurologist office. Now I'm battling with this nasty feeling, because the IV drips at the hospital caused so much water retention I feel like a balloon. I suffer from migraines and I have for years, but in most instances I can work through them, and they are somewhat bearable,  but Monday night before I went to bed, I started seeing spots and then I lost complete peripheral vision. I knew that meant that a migraine was coming within 30 minutes(bless auras). So I took some maxalt and went to bed thinking that I had stopped the migraine and would be fine by morning....wrong! I could barely lift my head off the pillow, I knew I needed to call off work, but my boss sent me a text message saying that he needed me in the office. I showered and got dressed in the dark, drove to work at 6am with my sunglasses on, because the headlights on the cars behind me were making my head feel as if it would explode. Anyway, I got to work and did what my boss needed me to do and as I was making my way back to my desk, I collapsed,  completely broke down and was on the floor. I have never ever in my life experienced this type of pain, and the worst part is that I felt trapped at work, because there was no way I could drive in that condition. I took another maxalt pill and called Yuta crying hysterically(which I'm sure was not helping the migraine situation). He's so damn wonderful that he stopped doing something very important to come take me to the hospital. That is where I spent most of Tuesday. I was discharged Tuesday night, but had to go right back on Wednesday morning. I was now vomiting and I can't even describe what my head felt like. It was like someone stuck nails all over my head and took 10 hammers and started to bang the nails in....at the same time. Back at the hospital they decided to give me a MRI and a CT scan, which put me in a panic, because my mind goes to the scariest place no matter what it is. I was convinced it was some kind of brain tumor, which of course was ridiculous. Turns out it started as a migraine, then I got a rebound migraine, followed by a cluster headache.  Sounds as painful as it was I can assure you. So Wednesday was also spent at the hospital ALL day. I was discharged into the care of my neurologist who has been managing(or trying to) my migraine meds, which I'm limited on what I can take, because of hypertension issues. Thursday and Friday were spent playing around with different levels of medication, and trying to get it right. It is now Saturday morning and I have been pain free for a whole 24 hours and I'm feeling so much better. I haven't been on social media much and I miss everyone. I'm just happy that I feel like I can start back living and I'm trying not to be so scared that it'll happen again. My family and friends were so supportive and caring. They kind of put their lives and jobs on hold this past week to make sure I was okay. I could not have asked God to bless me with better people in my life. I'll be back to my normal routine today which is exciting.  Well, that's the story of where I've been. Let's hope I don't have to go back!

Real Life

I was going to pass this by and not post it, but I think it's pretty accurate.

Happiness Personified

I often find myself lately stopping and saying "Wow, I'm really happy today".
It's a weird and foreign feeling, because it's been a long time.
I know that it's not only my own effort that has gotten me to this point.
I'm here because of love, strength and patience.
Not just from one person, but from everyone who means anything to me,
It's a feeling that I don't want to ever lose again.
I look forward to the time I can say "Wow, I'm really happy".
Not just today, but every single day.
What does life have in store for me?
I don't know, but I do know that I'm living.
I'm loving, laughing and learning.
I now know that you are my happiness personified.....

Extraordinary Life

This is going to be quick, but I have to get this out of my head and written down somewhere. It's almost 2am now, and I found a box of old memories. I have several boxes stored around my house. So many that I sometimes forget that they are there. They go all the way back to the awkward middle school, big glasses, clothes that were totally not cool and hair that would make anyone laugh today. As I was looking through these boxes and reflecting on what I've been through in the past couple years, I became overwhelmed by all the great people I have in my life who have been there with me during all of those awkward stages of growing up. As I looked at these plane tickets, concert tickets, trip itineraries, christmas cards, birthday cards, notes that were passed during science class, pictures of my first pet, my first boyfriend, my first best friend, my first trip to the Bahamas,  my first graduation....as I looked at these things I realized that I haven't thanked God enough for my family, my friends, people I've met and people I have yet to meet. I haven't thanked him enough for this extraordinary life that he has given me.

Be Blessed~Stay Blessed♡

Goodbye 2014...Hello 2015

This post is a little late since I have just returned from relatives houses after church, but I still wanted to do it, because I feel the need to write and reflect on the year. This year has been hard, I can't deny that. I have gone through things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I hit the bottom....hard. I felt like I was drowning and I felt alone, but this year was not all bad.  I was able to strengthen my relationship with God. I learned how to really depend on his love and graciousness and more importantly I learned how to listen the Him.  This was not without help. I've had an amazing support system. My parents dropped everything to try to help me, my bf has been so patient and understanding and my friends(near and far) have been a constant reminder of all the good that still remains in this world.

Talking about friends, I have to say that there are a few people on Twitter that might not realize it, but they play a very important role in my life and this recovery that I'm slowly trying to get through. You know who you are and I want to thank you for every kind word that let me know that I wasn't alone in my struggles, I want to thank you for every supportive and encouraging message you've sent me, I want to thank you for every gif and picture you've sent just to brighten my day. I want you all to know that I am so grateful, so thankful and so blessed to have you all in my life and I hope that we continue to help each other, care for each other and encourage each other in 2015. I love you all!

-Sierra

........

This post is just for me to let my feelings out and it's more about letting you into the darkest parts of my mind and the day to day struggle that I fight through every day. About 4 years ago I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and when that ended I expected my life to return back to normal. I was expecting to be the carefree, fearless and confident girl I once was...I was mistaken. I was able to put on a happy face for about a year even though I felt miserable. My mom noticed that something was wrong with me so she took me to a psychologist where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was so confused at first, because I pretended everything was okay for so long that I started convincing myself I was fine, but I couldn't deny the fact that this girl who was once fearless, now was scared to look people in the eye, crowds scared me, I even started seeing my friends differently and that was scary. After being put on medicine things started looking a little better, but I've learned that depression isn't something that can be cured, it's a battle I'm going to fight for the rest of my life and the worst thing you can assume about someone with depression is that they can just "get over it", if only it were that simple, we'd do it. No one would choose to lead a life of sadness willingly. I decided to write this today, because today is one of my bad days, one of the days where I find myself wondering why I was chosen to lead this life and if it will ever really be worth it. A lot of people only see what I choose to show them and the important message here is that some of the people who look the happiest are the saddest people you'll ever meet. Be kind to one another and never take your happiness for granted....

Bath Time Fun With Lush!!!

I went shopping at Somerset Mall today, and although I literally go here all the time and it's 2 blocks east of my job, I have never gone into Lush. I wasn't sure what kind of store it was, so i just passed it by. Well, my cousin decided that it was something that I had to experience so I went in and my world was rocked. I'm normally a shower girl, and when I do take baths it's more of Epsom salt, lavender and baby oil. I left out of this store and spent over $50 on bath bombs, bubble bars and bath melts. Here's what I got:

Bath Bombs:

This one smells of jasmine, sage and it has a very romantic scent to it as well as relaxing undertones. I can't wait to try it!

Sex Bomb

This one smells like pure candy so I couldn't pass this up! It has a citrus sherbet-y kind of smell. It smells delicious! Who doesn't like the smell of candy? Who doesn't want to smell like candy? If you don't...you're weird!

Dragon's Egg

Sakura, sakura, sakura! How could I not get this?!? It reminds me so much of my times in Japan during the sakura bloom, and it smells delightful. It's floral, but it's not the kind that will make you sneeze!

Sakura

I think that's all of the bath bombs that I actually got, although I really wanted to buy the Avobath that smelled of sweet lemongrass, and Butterball which smelled of cocoa butter and I think it will do amazing things for my incredibly dry skin! 

Bubble Bars:

So a little bit of info about these...bubble bars come in different scents and you can pair them up with your bath bombs or you can just use them alone if you only want the bubbles. The great thing about these is depending on the bath bomb you mix it with you'll get a different smell. I still have to discover all of the different scents, but I do know that there is a combo of 3 that smells like fruity pebbles and it's amazing! There is also one that smells like Christmas, I mean how great is that?!? haha! Okay, let's get to it! 

I got this one because it smelled like I was being comforted by blackcurrant candy! If you haven't guessed by now, I love smelling sweet! 

The Comforter

Ahhhh, the scent of orange flower! This one smells really good paired with the Sakura bath bomb. Floral yet fruity! Yum!

Pop In The Bath Bubble Bar

Nothing to really say about this, because well...you get it by now...Candy candy candy!

Creamy Candy Bubble Bar

Bath Melts:

The purpose of these are to moisturize your skin with essential oils.

This one is one of the 3 that it takes to make your bath smell like Christmas! I didn't get the other two parts, because someone told me about it after I left and I was determined not to spend anymore money.....for now!

Ceridwen's Cauldron Bath Melts

Last but certainly not least. It's shaped like a cupcake, and it's made of real marshmallow herb! You already know!!!

MMM Melting Marshmallow Moment Bath Melt

There is so much more I could say about this company and there are so many more products that I want to try. They have an amazing body conditioner and cleanser that I will be buying and reviewing in the near future. The best thing about this company is that everything is chemical free, organic and handmade which makes it some of the safest products that you could ever use on your skin. They participate in charities as well, as today I was able to purchase a "charity pot" of cocoa butter cream for $5.95 and all proceeds went to shark conservation. Overall, I was more than pleased with my visit and I'll for sure be back in the near future. If you're interested in finding out more about them or you want to order anything online, be sure to visit http://www.lushusa.com/

Until next time~

Mixology Edition

I've been doing a lot more online shopping lately and I ran across Mixology and so far I've been loving their stuff. I'm going to let you in on my shopping bag! Enjoy!

I'm still as in love with rompers this summer as I was last summer. They are light, flirty and fun. Hopefully I'll get a chance to wear this before summer is over!

Gab & Kate Blake Romper

BB Dakota time! Yes!!! I love their shirts the most and they are on the expensive side, but I couldn't pass this up. I love plaid (my boyfriend hates it, but oh well), and I love how loose fitting and comfortable this looks. I can already see me sitting by the water at metro beach and catching a breeze!

BB Dakota Becket Plaid Blouse

It's way too hot to wear a sweatshirt, but I thought this was something fun for fall. All hail Queen Bey!

Brooklyn Karma Don't Worry Be Yonce Sweatshirt

And lastly, because this describes me so well......

Good hYOUman Not Crazy Just Human Tee

I spent a little too much money, but like another tee said that I was going to get "You only live once, but if you do it right...once is all you need!" I forgot how fun it was to do these kind of blog posts. I have a shopping trip planned for tomorrow, so I'll be uploading the things I pick up at the mall. I hope you enjoyed this little peek inside my shopping bag, and if you want to see what other brands and things that Mixology has to offer, be sure to check them out ~HERE~

Until next time!

Growing...

I'm back! Things have been insane for me lately, but it's been a good kind of insane. I've grown a lot over the last few months and a lot of that is thanks to my parents. I realized that although I am an adult, I still have some childish ways, but I don't think that is such a bad thing. Of course you can't be childish about everything, but I never want to lose the side of me that enjoys being silly and having fun.  I've matured in my relationships with my friends, my parents and my boyfriend. I've learned how to say the things that were so hard for me to say before. If I'm feeling jealous, I'll rationally explain the reasons to Yuta. If I'm feeling left out from my brothers, I calmly explain it to my parents. If I'm feeling like I'm making all the effort when it comes to my friends, I let them know that. Being more open and honest about my feelings with everyone in my life seems to be working out well for me. There are not nearly as many misunderstandings and attitudes...of course there are times where I don't always find the nicest words to express how I'm feeling, but this is all pretty much new to me, so give me a break! ha ha!

On the work front, things have been extremely stressful, but you do what you have to do to pay the bills and you try not to punch people in the face, because that would be frowned upon by management. I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to patience! The next thing I'll be tackling while I'm on vacation for the next 8 days is reconnecting with the people that matter most in my life and getting out and having fun. I already set up a shopping and lunch date for tomorrow that I'm pretty excited about. It's time for me to live a little. I also plan to blog a little bit more, I can't promise that it'll be a lot, but I'll try. I need to connect more with my online friends as well, I feel like I haven't talked to some of them in forever and I miss you guys(you know who you are!)...life....it's hard sometimes.

Well, I guess that's all for now, I'll be back a few times this week...hopefully! :)

Lions, Tigers and Bears.....

It's been a long time since I've posted anything and I'll explain all of that later, but I wanted to post this really quick, because I was organizing my iTunes library and this song started playing and it stirred up memories and feelings from long ago....

This literally explains the conflicting emotions I had in the beginning and then coming to realize that nothing ventured....nothing gained.

I'll be back later......

What I've Learned About Relationships

My laptop is broken so I'm writing this on my phone so excuse any typos or errors! Lol.  I was inspired to write this entry because I went out for brunch with a girlfriend today and she has been experiencing some relationship issues and wanted my advice about things. While I was giving her my advice I came to some realizations about what I've learned so far about relationships.  I'm in a healthy relationship right now, but I've also experienced my fair share of unhealthy relationships. The main thing that I've learned is that the person you are in a relationship with should enhance your life and not take away from it. Of course things aren't always amazing and easy, but the thing you must remember is that you work on things and communicate. Your other half should open your eyes to things that you are doing right and also things that you can improve on. You don't want to be in a relationship where the other person just tells you what you want to hear. I love to feel supported,  but I also want to be made aware of when I'm being irrational or wrong.
I've also learned that it really takes a lot of effort to make relationships work. It's tiring and exhausting at times. The healthiest relationships are the ones where both people are working towards the common goal of bettering each other and bettering the relationship.
Communication is key!!! I can't express how important HONEST communication is. You have to express your thoughts, feelings and fears. Things that you desire from your partner,  things that you wish they would do, things that you wish they would acknowledge,  things that you're happy with. All of that is important.  It's best to get things out in the open. It's not always going to be a good feeling and there are going to be things that you don't necessarily want to hear, but I promise you, it's going to help. You can't expect for your partner to read your mind and they can't expect you to read theirs. If you talk about things,  there will be less misunderstandings.
I'm still learning about what it takes to make a relationship successful and happy, and i want to continue to learn and grow. I'm always willing to give advice about what I've learned so far and from what my friends say...I do a pretty good job. Haha. We'll see how everything goes!

Sick

Ugh, I hate being sick. This is day 3 of this virus or whatever it is that is invading my body.  It's been a long time since I've felt this ill and I have to say I'm not liking it at all. It's preventing me from doing the things that I need to do.  My aunt is in the hospital for a tumor they found on her colon and she had surgery and started chemotherapy yesterday, but I was unable to visit her at the hospital because you can't be around someone with a weak immune system when you're sick.  It's really bothering me that I can't be there for her.  Another thing is that it's little B's funeral today at 6pm and I won't be able to go.  I'll see her one last time at the viewing this afternoon, but I don't want to get anyone sick.  I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't ever see her smile again in this lifetime. Maybe it's for the best that I don't go, because it's hard to handle funerals and I've been to too many to count over the last 3 years.  It's weird how life is...you're here one minute and gone the next. It's terrifying actually.

"Lord, make me a rainbow...I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors. Life ain't always what you think it ought to be..ain't even gray, but she buries her baby. The sharp knife, of a short life..."

I'll remember you always my little bunny....

Top 5 Pet Peeves

Because I'm super bored right now and no one is here to entertain me, I have no choice but to blog about something.....anything! Hahaha.

1. When someone crunches too loudly on chips. There is a way to eat them that doesn't require you to take 10 crunchy bites off of one potato chip.

2. When people pop gum. Once or twice is fine, but 15 times in a row is like nails on a chalkboard to me. We get it, you can pop gum.

3. When someone/anyone talks with their mouths full of food. I don't need to see what your food looks like semi-digested. Thank you.

4. When someone one is drinking from a straw and that get to the end off it and try to suck out every last drop of liquid, making that horrible slurping sound. Please don't. It makes me cry. Lol

5. People who litter. Be kind to the environment. Throw your crap away.

Bonus:  People who don't cover their food when they are heating it up in the microwave so food splatters everywhere! *hint hint yuta hint hint* <3 p="">

Thankful...

This is going to be short.  I'm thankful for the amazing people that have been there for me over the last week. If you sent me a kind word, or a wish that I'd feel better soon.  Thank you.  This week was a hard one and without my friends(near and far) around, I don't think I would have held up as well as I have.  Special thanks to the person who knew what I needed and when I needed it. No one in my life is replaceable. I value the people that I've met and also the people I have yet to meet. You all play an important role in my life....even if you don't know it. Thank you.

See You Later Little B.

Heaven has gained another angel today, and this angel is a beautiful blonde hair, blue-eyed, amazing little 4 year old. Her little body was exhausted and she fought as hard as she could, but she couldn't fight any longer. She gained her wings today at 4:06pm. I'll miss her smiling face every day.

My Little B,
Yesterday won't be the memory of you that I keep in my heart. That was not the little ball of fire that I knew.  I will remember you as the bright, bubbly, talkative, energetic fire cracker you were.  I'll cherish the memories of you coming into my office with your stuffed frog and saying "Ms. Sierra, do you wanna dance with Mr. Hopper?" The memories of you sneaking lollipops and stickers out of my drawer. The days where we acted silly in the hallway.  The days we made faces at each other through the glass door. The days that you were happy, the days what you were well.  I'll miss you terribly.  You no longer have to suffer anymore baby girl.  Rest well and show God those awesome dance moves. This isn't goodbye, we'll dance together in the future and we'll make silly faces in the clouds.  See you later my little bunny. I love you.

Please pray for her parents and her little sister.....

One Of My Worst Days....

Today was really hard. Harder than most days....harder than I could have ever imagined. I work in the pediatric field.  It's hard dealing with sick kids every day.  Of course there are some days where you get to see the children that are well, happy and adjusted, but you also see the children that are sick and miserable and those days are the hardest.  Today, a 4 year old beautiful little girl came into the office. I have been involved in the care of this girl since she was 2 days old and just as all the children I encounter every single day, I've come to love her.  Well, she came in today and she was working really hard to breathe, she looked exhausted and like she was going to faint.  The thing that really got to me was the look of fear in her big blue eyes...she was terrified.  I told mom to take off her jacket and shirt so that I could see her stomach and chest. The way that it was caving in with every breath she took frightened me to my core. I knew that something wasn't right, her pulse ox was 89% which is bad, she was breathing hard through her mouth, I grabbed the doctor and told her that I think we needed to call the ambulance.  The EMS arrived and as they put her tiny little body on the stretcher I burst into tears, how could this be happening to such a small little girl.  Now it was time to wait...wait for the hospital to call with an update on her condition.  That call came at 4:00pm.  I was told that she was diagnosed with lymphoma.  There was a huge mass on her right lung and the cancer had also started attacking her kidney's. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Cancer? Why? How? She was rushed to get a CT and a MRI and went immediately to receive chemotherapy.  All I could think about was the pain that her little body was about to endure.  It broke my heart to even think about.

I see things like this all the time and while I love my job, it's stressful.  You become attached to these children and God willing, you watch them grow up.  It hurts me when they are diagnosed with things that children should never have to worry about.  Children are a precious gift from God. Little angels that walk among us on earth and I wish that they were able to remain as pure and innocent as they are when they first enter into the world.  How do you explain to a child something that you don't understand yourself?  She should be in dance class, drawing pictures, playing with her little kitten...not in the hospital, hooked up to tubes.  It makes you realize how much you really have to be grateful for.  Today was one of the worst days of my life.  I will continue to pray for little B and I'll always watch out for her.  If you can....please pray for her as well.

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What's in a Name?

So I've been thinking lately about my future and I've always loved sort of unique baby names. Nothing crazy or that would prevent my future child from getting a job, or have them stereotyped in anyway. Just unique...meaning that I haven't heard the name a million times. So I decided to blog about some of the names that I like.

Girls:
-Ashlynn
-Delaney
-Teagan
-Rhian
-Freya
-Arya




Boys:
-Cree
-Rowan
-Gage
-Grayson
-Kellan


I'll add to this list as I think of more names.  I just wanted to have a post to look back on, so I don't stress myself out thinking about what I want to name my future children.

To be continued....

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Pure, Innocent, Unconditionally...

I sometimes wish that I could go back to a time in my life where I didn't know of heartbreak, pain, suffering or struggle. The time where everything was pure, innocent and easy.  I've noticed that as you grow as a person it's the hard things that shape you into the person you'll ultimately become, but I sometimes wish that learning and growing wasn't this hard.  I've come to appreciate the hard times and become thankful for the good times.  How nice would it be to go back to the time where you were pure, innocent and could love unconditionally?

Who is Sierra?

You know how you fill out those About Me sections on so many websites, but you never put more than maybe a few sentences? How can someone truly capture the true essence of who you are from a mere few lines? So I decided to do a more in depth version of an about me section. Let's see where this goes....Let's start with the positives:

I'm a person who loves an adventure, I'm always searching for ways that I can push the boundaries. The more it makes my heart race, the more fun it is for me. I love hard, in both relationships and friendships.  It takes a lot for me to consider someone a friend, but know that once I consider you a friend there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.  Loyalty is what matters most in my life. I feel that as long as I surround myself with people who only want the best for me and people who would never think about turning their backs on me, I'll have most of what I need in life. I'm generous, I don't like to see people struggling and if there is anything that I can do to brighten their day in any way, I'll try my best to do so.  The same goes for animals as well. I'm optimistic and I always see the glass as half way full and I try to teach those around me to do the same. Nothing comes from being negative all the time. I can be bubbly and I've been told that my bright attitude when shown draws people to me. I love to have a good time and I love showing people a good time. I have a great sense of humor and for as long as I can remember I've always been making someone laugh with some witty or sarcastic comment. I treasure every little thing I possess.  If it belongs to me, I treat it very well with nothing held back. I'm confident in myself and I carry myself that way.  It's not arrogance, it's called knowing your worth. I guess it's time to get to those negatives huh?

I don't like boring things. If something doesn't catch my attention within 60 seconds, chances are I'm going to lose interest and move on.  I'm forward and blunt, almost to a fault, I don't mince words for anyone...ever.  If there is something that is bothering me, don't expect me to sit quietly and not address it.  You don't get things resolved just by sitting back and taking whatever is dished out at you.  I'm very argumentative.  If I believe in something, expect me to fight for it...verbally of course. I take my beliefs very seriously and if I think I'm right, I'll fight for it.  Sometimes I would call it a debate and not an actual argument.  I'm head strong and if I believe in something, there isn't much you can do to get me to change my view on it. I'm a bit of a brat. I don't like it when I don't get my way, I've been guilty of throwing temper tantrums (everything about yourself isn't supposed to be perfect right?). I'm impatient. I don't like waiting for things. I live in the now and if I want it now, I usually expect it immediately. I'm dramatic, with the tendency to sometimes make issues bigger than what they need to be. I accept these "negative" traits just as much as I embrace the positives.  I don't think it's right for anyone to consider themselves to be perfect.  We all have flaws and we'll all meet someone someday who will love us...flaws and all!

I hope you've learned a little more about me!

Until next time :)

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