Happiness Personified

I often find myself lately stopping and saying "Wow, I'm really happy today".
It's a weird and foreign feeling, because it's been a long time.
I know that it's not only my own effort that has gotten me to this point.
I'm here because of love, strength and patience.
Not just from one person, but from everyone who means anything to me,
It's a feeling that I don't want to ever lose again.
I look forward to the time I can say "Wow, I'm really happy".
Not just today, but every single day.
What does life have in store for me?
I don't know, but I do know that I'm living.
I'm loving, laughing and learning.
I now know that you are my happiness personified.....

........

This post is just for me to let my feelings out and it's more about letting you into the darkest parts of my mind and the day to day struggle that I fight through every day. About 4 years ago I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and when that ended I expected my life to return back to normal. I was expecting to be the carefree, fearless and confident girl I once was...I was mistaken. I was able to put on a happy face for about a year even though I felt miserable. My mom noticed that something was wrong with me so she took me to a psychologist where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was so confused at first, because I pretended everything was okay for so long that I started convincing myself I was fine, but I couldn't deny the fact that this girl who was once fearless, now was scared to look people in the eye, crowds scared me, I even started seeing my friends differently and that was scary. After being put on medicine things started looking a little better, but I've learned that depression isn't something that can be cured, it's a battle I'm going to fight for the rest of my life and the worst thing you can assume about someone with depression is that they can just "get over it", if only it were that simple, we'd do it. No one would choose to lead a life of sadness willingly. I decided to write this today, because today is one of my bad days, one of the days where I find myself wondering why I was chosen to lead this life and if it will ever really be worth it. A lot of people only see what I choose to show them and the important message here is that some of the people who look the happiest are the saddest people you'll ever meet. Be kind to one another and never take your happiness for granted....

Growing...

I'm back! Things have been insane for me lately, but it's been a good kind of insane. I've grown a lot over the last few months and a lot of that is thanks to my parents. I realized that although I am an adult, I still have some childish ways, but I don't think that is such a bad thing. Of course you can't be childish about everything, but I never want to lose the side of me that enjoys being silly and having fun.  I've matured in my relationships with my friends, my parents and my boyfriend. I've learned how to say the things that were so hard for me to say before. If I'm feeling jealous, I'll rationally explain the reasons to Yuta. If I'm feeling left out from my brothers, I calmly explain it to my parents. If I'm feeling like I'm making all the effort when it comes to my friends, I let them know that. Being more open and honest about my feelings with everyone in my life seems to be working out well for me. There are not nearly as many misunderstandings and attitudes...of course there are times where I don't always find the nicest words to express how I'm feeling, but this is all pretty much new to me, so give me a break! ha ha!

On the work front, things have been extremely stressful, but you do what you have to do to pay the bills and you try not to punch people in the face, because that would be frowned upon by management. I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to patience! The next thing I'll be tackling while I'm on vacation for the next 8 days is reconnecting with the people that matter most in my life and getting out and having fun. I already set up a shopping and lunch date for tomorrow that I'm pretty excited about. It's time for me to live a little. I also plan to blog a little bit more, I can't promise that it'll be a lot, but I'll try. I need to connect more with my online friends as well, I feel like I haven't talked to some of them in forever and I miss you guys(you know who you are!)...life....it's hard sometimes.

Well, I guess that's all for now, I'll be back a few times this week...hopefully! :)

Lions, Tigers and Bears.....

It's been a long time since I've posted anything and I'll explain all of that later, but I wanted to post this really quick, because I was organizing my iTunes library and this song started playing and it stirred up memories and feelings from long ago....

This literally explains the conflicting emotions I had in the beginning and then coming to realize that nothing ventured....nothing gained.

I'll be back later......

What's in a Name?

So I've been thinking lately about my future and I've always loved sort of unique baby names. Nothing crazy or that would prevent my future child from getting a job, or have them stereotyped in anyway. Just unique...meaning that I haven't heard the name a million times. So I decided to blog about some of the names that I like.

Girls:
-Ashlynn
-Delaney
-Teagan
-Rhian
-Freya
-Arya




Boys:
-Cree
-Rowan
-Gage
-Grayson
-Kellan


I'll add to this list as I think of more names.  I just wanted to have a post to look back on, so I don't stress myself out thinking about what I want to name my future children.

To be continued....

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Nightmares vs Reality

Doing a quick blog post as I lay in my bed. This quote came to mind because lately I've found it really hard to sleep. When I do end up falling asleep I sometimes feel like I'm stuck between reality and a nightmare. I've always struggled with insomnia so this isn't really anything new to me. It just seems like I'm exhausted all the time, but when it's time to actually go to sleep, I get bombarded with thoughts about life, love, work and everything in between.  It's frustrating and mentally exhausting,  but because this is life I have to go through the motions. You have bad days,  but you always remember that it can't rain forever. ...just wait for the rainbow. :)

Dear 16 year old Sierra....

Hello! It's been awhile. I had a conversation at work today about if we had to opportunity to write a letter to ourselves when we were 16, what would it say?  Well, I decided to make a blog entry about it, since it's something that I want to remain as a memory and maybe one day when my daughter is 16 I can let her read it, just so that she knows that it's okay to make mistakes and most of all...it's okay not to be okay <3 p="">


Dear 16 year old Sierra,

There is so much I want to say to you...so much I want to warn you about...so much I want to yell at you for, but it would all be for nothing. You'll have to experience these things in order for you to grow. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it won't hurt, that it won't be hard...because what you are going to encounter is going to be some of the most painful things a person of your age can go through. You're going to lose loved ones, you're going to lose friends, you're going to experience a heartbreak so deep that it'll feel as if you're dancing on the edge of death.  I'm late in writing this and I wish I had of written this when you were 13...14...15.  Any amount of time before now would have been better than this being late. I'm writing this to tell you that you're going to make it and you're going to be okay. You're going to make some stupid decisions when it comes to boys, but there will be one person beside you through it all who is going to hold you, rub your back when you cry, pick you up when you're down.  He is a really amazing man and you don't know that now and you won't know for several years, but when you do find out, it's going to answer some of those really tough questions and you'll understand why you had to go through what you're going through.  Sixteen is supposed to sweet, but for you...it'll end up sour. The important thing is....you're going to make it and you're going to grow up to be the woman that you've always wanted to be. If I could give you one more piece of advice it would be: Live every single day with no regrets, roll with the punches and when you do fall down, don't drag other's down into the gutter with you. Climb out of that dark and scary place, brush yourself off, put on that amazing smile and walk tall with your head held high and know that you are just who you were always meant to be....a fighter.

Love,
Your future amazing self <3 p="">

Let's Get Personal...

Hello again! Finally, I think I'm ready to explain what has been keeping me from blogging regularly. Let's start with the boring stuff. Work. Work has been incredibly busy for the last couple of months. I received a promotion that requires me to organize and do presentations for a large number of corporate people.  The pay increase was amazing and one of the main reasons that I decided to take the promotion. There were times during the last couple of months where I doubted that I made the right decision.   I had to deal with a jealous co-worker who also applied for the promotion and I also was assigned a team of employee's that I had to lead through the whole process of putting together a major presentation.  My job was riding on how well I did, and I was so nervous that I would fail.  Normally, I'm a very confident person, but I noticed lately that I've seemed to have lost some of my confidence, but I'm happy to report that the presentation went almost flawlessly and I was praised for what an amazing job I did.  I did well enough that my boss promised that I wouldn't have to organize another one until after my Vegas trip in August. That is such a relief for me, because I literally had no life while I was doing all the research and putting it together, so finally I get to focus on the more simple things and no more 7 day work weeks! YES!

Okay, on to the most interesting topic of this blog post.  I've been experiencing some relationship drama.  After consulting with the boy, he agreed to let me vent here (it's not like he really had a choice). To say that things had been rocky for us would be an understatement. We were arguing all day, everyday and it was about stupid stuff.  We were frustrated with each other, angry at each other and we both said some things that we wish we could take back.  Late last month it got so bad that he stormed out of my house, refused to be in the same room with me, and it had us questioning if we made the right decision to move from friendship to relationship.  At this point, our parents got involved.  His parents pulled me into my bedroom and his mom asked me "Do you love him? Is that love strong enough to get past anything? Do the pro's outweigh the con's?"  and my parents asked him the same questions and then they organized a boy's weekend for him and a girl's weekend for me.  They said that they expected the answers to their questions by the end of Sunday.  I'm not going to lie, it was hard to think about and it weighed heavily on my mind throughout the weekend, even through all the fun I was having.  It was the most mentally exhausting weekend ever.

Fast forward to Sunday, we met back up with our parents and we gave them the answers that they were looking for and we discovered that we both had been foolish and immature and that we needed to work things out like the adults that we are.  Things have been better since.  Of course we both have our moments where I'm a raging bitch and he's a stubborn, rude asshole...but we're working through our issues and communicating better.

That brings me to the end of this extremely long and personal blog post.  That's a summary of what's been going on with me...without too many horrible details.  My next personal blog post will be about ex-girlfriends/boyfriends and the jealousy factor.  Until then, stay tuned for some more online shopping posts.

Until next time~

The Cost of Not Having Perfect Vision.

Hello there, it's been a few days since I've blogged.  I was going to blog yesterday, but I went to the eye doctor and they had to dilate my pupils so I spent most of the day practically blind.  Regrettably, it had been a few years since I've gone to the eye doctor and after yesterday I realized why.  It's expensive as hell! Not only do you have to pay for the exams, but then there is the price of the frames for glasses and then the cost of lenses for your glasses and all the extras like...transitions, uv protection, scratch guard and the list goes on and on.  I was very impressed with the staff and the doctors at Henry Ford OptimEyes.  I felt like they really cared about my vision and they gave me some really good advice on how I can protect my vision from further damage.  By the time I had picked out my glasses and had another exam for contact lenses I had spent a total of almost $550usd on the entire visit. My mom spent about the same amount and my dad was the big spender, because his glasses alone cost over $650.  If the sales lady was working off of a commission...she made a lot of money off of us!  I must say that the good thing about Henry Ford OptimEyes is that they give you the option to pay for half and pay the other half when you come pick up your glasses.  It doesn't change the fact that you're spending over half a grand on eye wear, but it makes it easier if you don't have to spend it all at one time.

Overall, if you have perfect vision...cherish it, because when your eyes start to go bad there is very little you can do to correct it.  So remember, always wear your sunglasses and don't sit too close to the television and if you work with computers for 9 hours a day like I do...you're pretty much screwed! Haha!

Until next time~

...Because You Need Me

I had another post planned for tonight, but I feel like there is someone out there who needs me and needs this message....this isn't just for my special someone...this is for anyone out there having a hard time. It's okay to lean on those who love you most.

....stay strong....I love you~

Chill Weekend!

Time for a personal blog entry, because....well, because I feel like it! haha. This weekend has gone by way too fast, but I say that every weekend. It was such a chill weekend, and I really needed that. Saturday was spent staying in bed and watching movies and catching up on my American television shows. I was supposed to go grocery shopping, but my mom called and said that since she was already at the grocery store she would do my shopping for me, because I should rest! I know, I have the best mommy in the whole world! I think the real reason she did the grocery shopping for me was because she didn't want me to be tempted into buying junk food.  I must say that my parents have been a great support system for me while I try leading a healthier life.  I ended up watching Alien vs. Predator, Saving Private Ryan and catching up on Dance Mom's and Project Runway...and I did all this while staying in bed! Hell yea! That sounds like a perfect Saturday to me.  The only thing missing was...shoppingggg!

Today(Sunday) was a little more busy, but still pretty chill. I woke up to my annoying neighbors using their chainsaw at 8am. Who does that?!? They use their power saw's and anything else that makes noise between the hours of of 7am and 1am.  I think it's so damn rude to make all that noise that early and that late at night. There has been many times that I have gone outside and told them to shut that shit down. I work and I love my sleep to damn much to be disturbed all day and all night. Aren't there laws that should prevent this shit from happening?!? Anywhooo, I woke up and watched a little more television and called my mom to see if she was getting ready for church.  I went to church and then I decided to hit the mall and try on some clothing options for this summer. I do a lot of online shopping so it's always smart to go to an actual store and try on things to make sure they look good on you.  The rest of the day was spent over my parents house, talking, laughing and eating good food.  I'm now sitting here watching Housewives of Atlanta, drinking tea and getting ready for bed.

I hope you all have a happy and successful week...and I'll raise my tea cup to hoping next weekend is just as chill as this weekend was!

Until next time~

Box of Chocolates?

This post is going to be different from posts I've made in the last few days. I have a lot on my mind and no one to share it all with. I don't know if anyone is reading this, but if you are...thank you. Today started like every other day. I woke up at 5am, went to the gym and then went to work. After I got off of work I received a call from one of my friends. She started asking me about my relationship and to tell you the truth, I didn't want to tell her anything, because she's one of those friends who I consider to be slightly judgmental, but I went against my better judgement and expressed my family's desires for me in the near future. I guess I should fill you in on these desires....my parents believe that I'm at the point in my life where I should seriously be considering marriage and starting a family of my own. If I'm being semi honest with myself I'd say that they are right. Those are things that I want, but I don't know if I want them right now. I don't know if I trust myself enough to not fail at making a marriage work and raising a child. Those two things are not something that should be taken lightly, so I won't. 

Sob story alert....and I know that I'm not the only one in the world who has been hurt by another person, but that hurt is what stops me from putting my heart in another person's hands. Giving your heart away is one of the scariest things you could ever do and if you're giving your heart to someone who doesn't realize the power that they hold...it's dangerous. I did that twice and the first time I thought that I would never get over it, but somehow I did. It was the second time that completely broke me and I still struggle to this day to trust people. How do you enter a marriage and raise a child when you're still working on putting yourself back together? That is irresponsible to me, because when I get married and have children I want to be able to invest my all into them. I want to be whole and complete.

I don't know what life has in store for me and all I can do is buckle up for the ride. All I know is that so far life has provided me with good times, bad times, lessons and experience. Everything that I've gone through has taught me something good and bad. I can't be mad at life, I have to embrace it and learn how to face it without being afraid at every turn. Is it true that life is like a box of chocolates?

Until next time~

Stress & Trying to Overcome It

I wish that this could be a happier blog post, but that's not the case....so I'll just let it out, and pray that I find some kind of relief or comfort from doing this. Things have been tough on me for the last 3-4 weeks, but I've perfected the art of the "fake smile". I can fool almost anyone, if I try hard enough no one would ever know about my internal struggles. I'm so good at it that I can sometimes fool myself. That's kind of scary, but at the same time...to me...it's a comfort, at least while it lasts. The thing is...it never lasts forever, there is always that one quiet moment where things are calm, and then the huge wrecking ball comes out of nowhere and smashing through the wall of fake smiles and happiness. It's happening more frequently lately and I'm truly so terrified of completely losing myself. What happens when I can no longer fake it? What is that going to feel like? What is that going to look like? Who is going to help me out of the darkness? Will I want to come out of it? Will I be so far gone that there is no turning back? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers and that is why I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping, and I'm withdrawing from everyone. When did this all start? What triggered it? I made a earlier blog post about certain people not realizing what they have done to me. I get so angry when I think about those people, because i'm destroyed, I'm in pieces, but I can't only get angry at them, because in my mind...I accepted the abuse. I didn't get out when I had the chance. I let them do this to me, and I know that. I'm just trying my hardest to get past it.

I'm a slave to my emotions. It's been a rough few weeks, but it's gotten worse these last couple of days. I've been really distracted. I've been really moody, really quiet and finding tears running down my face without even realizing it. I can't really talk about this with anyone which is why i'm writing this out. No matter how I try to map things out and try to figure it all out...I can't come up with a solution. The stress is work related, friend related, family related and health related. Trying to cope with all these different stresses is hard. I can't sleep, because my mind is constantly going...what are you going to do about this?...what are you going to do about that?....what happens if?....what happens when?....it's so exhausting, and in my mind I'm screaming for the thoughts to stop, but they never do. I can feel myself becoming a burden to people and if you have never experienced that, I have to tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is continue to talk to God and pray. I'm not praying that he makes all of my problems disappear, because I know that there is a reason why I'm going through this right now....what do I pray for?...I pray that God helps me face the fear, but not feel scared. I don't want to know what comes next, I just want to be ready for it. Whatever it is that God as planned for me, I don't want to fear it. Whoever is reading this...thank you. I could use some positive energy, thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that whatever any of you are going through in your life, that you get through it, and come out the other end a stronger and better person. 

Until next time....

Wouldn't It Be Nice....

....make it all stop?

Happiness...Is on the way...

Feeling good compared to most days which is good. :) I had a little medical scare yesterday and had to rush to the doctor because my blood pressure was really high and I was having a diabetic crisis. Turns out that the blood pressure thing was just stress, and I was able to take a few hours to calm down and kind of get back on track. I need to be careful with my stress level, because it won't be long before I leave for Japan for 2 weeks, and I can't wait. On a daily basis I imagine myself exiting the terminal at the airport and being welcomed by Yuta, my second set of parents, miya, emi and kat. I miss them terribly and I wish I could fast forward time and be there now. If I could drop everything right now, I would go and live there. I already feel like my whole entire life is in Japan and the only thing missing is me. Why am I so scared to make the big step and commit to living there? My parents and brother's are a huge reason why I'm unsure. As far as my friends here, there are only a few here that I worry about. It's sad to say, but the rest are adding to my stress these days and I don't think that I'd miss that part of our friendship. I don't think I've ever needed a vacation as badly as I need one right now. I don't think I've ever needed Yuta as much as I need him right now. I don't think i've ever needed the wisdom of his mother as much as I need it right now. 
Everything that I need and want is there and I'm falling way behind. Hurry up April 22nd, I can't wait to just feel strong arms and warmth, letting me know that at least for 2 weeks I'm okay, I'm loved and I'm protected. I crave it daily and it's a source of happiness that I need. It's going to feel good letting someone take care of me for a change. It doesn't happen often enough. :) 

Until next time~
Sierra

Just Keep Breathing....

I miss you so much it hurts...

...at The Finish Line...

It's been a while since I posted something like this. I wouldn't call it a "sad" post, because although some of the words might evoke the emotion of sadness, I'm actually very happy. :) 


There is always something that pushes you back to the start. It could be a really good thing, something that makes you go back and gives you the chance to correct all the mistakes that you made in the past. I'm not looking at this setback as a negative thing. I'm going to dig deep and gather everything that is positive out of this situation. Where ever I meant to be, I'll get there. My finish line just changed positions, but I'll never stop running towards it, I'll run until I die...and if I die after I crossed that finish line....it's okay. I made it..right? I don't know what's on the other side of that line, but the accomplishment of finishing...I welcome it with open arms. After all that I've been through in my life, I can't be anything but grateful. My path is not easy and it won't ever be. I finally accept that...I'm finally okay with that. There's nothing wrong with fighting. My life isn't made to be easy, and that's just the way it was written for me. Physical, mental and emotional abuse...they are all a part of my story, and I won't leave those parts out, because those are the things that make me stronger than the average person. I've been beat until I bled by someone that "loved" me, I've been called worthless, stupid, told that I'll never be anyone, told that I'd die miserable. I battled back from all of that, so how could I let a setback knock me down? I'm stronger than that. I'm happy for everything that's happened to me and I know that as long as I'm still breathing.....I'm not at the finish line yet....

Until Next Time
Sierra~

Somewhere Only We Know...

Our secret hiding place, Our place of shelter, the place that we've laughed. The place we had our first big argument. The place where we shared our hopes and dreams. The place we cried after every failure and setback, celebrated every goal reached. Birthday's, Valentine's Day's, Christmas', Graduation's. Our place that holds all of our bad memories, but holds many more of our extraordinary memories. There is only one place like that, and it's the one place you know you can always find me.....

"I walked across an empty land, I knew the pathway like the back of my hand. i felt the Earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete. Is the place, we used to love, is this the place that I've been dreaming of? And if you have a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know. This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go...somewhere only we know?"

For...Yuta...You Make It Real...

So we decided to do this project  where we post a song with the lyrics that describe what we have meant to each other over the years since our friendship-anniversary is coming up. After days and days of going through my iTunes library, i've finally found it. Listen to the lyrics very, very carefully. I think it explains EVERYTHING! I can't think of a song that could be any more PERFECT! 

This is for you....I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be waiting for your response! (I can't believe that I actually beat you!) LOL