Are You...Living Life Happily? Part 2

Here is part 2 of the post that I promised to deliver a week or so ago. Things have been quite amazing. This visit from friends is unlike any visit before. Don't get me wrong....I love when it's just Yuta here, but having my girls here makes the experience that much greater. It's nice to have girl talks and watch romantic chick flicks and just be...a girl! I can't do all the girly things that I enjoy doing with Yuta so it's been an amazing experienced having my girls visit this time around! So....I can't quite remember where I left off so if I repeat anything...forgive me. LOL
We've been hanging out a lot...so much in fact that I believe it to be unhealthy! LOL...I actually got sick a couple days ago, but it didn't last too long. It's nice having people around to take care of you when you get sick!

Sweet Friends. Love them so much!

When I fell asleep I woke up with a fever so Yuta told me that I had to stay in bed all day. I didn't really mind it so much because he was there so I napped off and on all day. During my last nap, I woke up and I noticed that everyone was gone and on the pillow beside me was a note and some chocolate goodies. The note basically said that they went to go get food and they hoped that I feel better and Kat even made me tea that she put on my bedside table. It is the sweetest thing that anyone could do for me. They are always making sure that I'm comfortable and taken care of and I love and appreciate them so much for that. Oh, the note also said that Emiko wasn't going to drive so I shouldn't worry. LOL...there is a funny story behind that. In the next paragraph. We also went to a karaoke bar and had some fun singing and dancing with some of Yuta's family that is still here. His uncle and auntie are the cutest couple...besides Yuta's parent who are THE cutest I have ever seen...they have the kind of love that I aspire to have. 

So f'n cute!!!! <3

Okay, now...funny story about Emiko. So the other day we went out and I haven't been doing much driving because of my toes, so I've been letting everyone drive my car besides Kaito and Miyuki, because they don't really now the streets since it's their first visit here. It turned out to be Emiko's turn to drive, so we were on the expressway and everything seemed to be going smooth. We exited the expressway to go to the gas station and things went terribly wrong! This girl turned the wrong way down a one way street. People were blowing their horns and yelling out of their cars and Emi was freaking out and shaking. When she finally composed herself and we pull in the gas station she hit the barrier by the gas pump because she was going to fast. Needless to say...her driving privileges have been revoked! If I'm not driving then Yuta or Kat are the only one's allowed to drive. Emi isn't a bad driver, she is just used to driving on different kinds of roads. I forgive her for almost killing us. LOL

Yuta and Kaito <3

We baked some Christmas cookies yesterday, which was a fun time. Nothing like a bunch of silly people playing with baking flour and sugar. LOL. We made a total mess of the kitchen, but it was so much fun! I think that I've gained about 20lbshe last few months in t...no lie! It's really bothering me because in order for me to do the things that I need to do, I have to maintain a certain weight. I was never skinny, skinny to begin with, but I have what I call a "dance weight" where my weight can not exceed a certain number, because it becomes harder for me to do the ballet moves that I need to teach. If I gain as little as 2 lbs I can feel it on my toes when I try to do en pointe. So imagine gaining 20lbs...it needs to disappear. I can only blame myself because I took a term off of dance and that is a dangerous thing to do. I'm not getting adequate exercise and  I'm eating and drinking WAY too much. I'll be back on track after the New Year so no worries. It's just going to be hard to get toned again. LOL. My mom looked at me and she said "you've gained weight huh?" lol...thanks mom for pointing out the obvious. Yuta says that I'm still beautiful, but he has to say that and he's a total gentleman and sweetheart so he would never call me fat. lol...but standing next to Miya and Kat who are both 100lbs...makes you feel insecure sometimes. lol. 

Chocolate covered Oreos and the reason I'm gaining weight! LOL

There is a ton of other things that I want to say, but I think that I'll leave it here for now. I'll be making a part 3 either sometime this weekend or before the next. There will be some more post sprinkled in before though. These will always be my longer posts. 

Well, it's time to get back to the family and enjoy the time that I have left with them. I hope anyone that is reading this, is enjoying time with their friends and family and being as blessed as they possibly can be! Stay healthy, Stay happy, Stay wonderfully unique! Have a safe and happy Christmas!  

Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses, 

Sierra~

Are You...Keeping Secrets?

I am....well, it's not really a secret. Emi, Kat, Miya and the other person involved knows what it is, but...how should I put this....we're keeping a secret from our parents. It's not a bad secret but we don't want to disappoint them so we thought that it would be better this way. I'm being vague for a reason....I'm not ready to write the words out completely. So i'll dance around and get as close to what i'm trying to say as possible. I have some new responsibilities and so does the other person. We are going to try our best. That is the one thing about us...we are very determined and stubborn. If we say that we are going to do something to the end, then we try our best to fulfill that promise. The other person also has some new responsibilities, but i'm almost certain that this person will completely surpass my expectations because this person already does such a great job. I thought that I would feel a bigger change in the atmosphere or something, but actually everything feels oddly....normal. It's kind of scary and it makes me wonder how it must have looked before this. LOL....anyway, I'm going out for the night, but wanted to write something while i'm waiting for someone to finish getting ready so that I can finally get dressed! Later~

Are You...Exploring Options?

Last night was fun. We had some good conversations and good food. It's so nice to have Yuta here with me. I miss having him around me on a daily basis. Miya pulled me aside last night and asked me a serious question and  it really made me think. I was sitting at the dinner table and I was laughing and joking with everyone while Yuta was cutting up my food for me. She declared that it was a bathroom break time and she wanted me to come with her. When we got there she turned to me and said "You love him....don't you?" I must have gave her a look because she then said "...Yuta?" I answered her truthfully and honestly. Yes, yes I do love Yuta. I love him so much it's crazy. He's my best friend....but that's not how she meant it. She wondered if I ever explored the option of something more than a friendship with Yuta. Of course I have...of course he has....we both have. The problem isn't him...it's me. I'm struggling with the fact that sometimes a relationship can ruin a friendship and I NEVER want that to happen with us. I could not live without his friendship...seriously. A romantic relationship is what our parents want us to have, but we have to do what is best for the both of us. He lives in Japan, I don't. This of course could be rectified with either me moving to Japan or him moving here. Our parents collective thought is on me moving to Japan. My parents love the Japanese culture, school system and language. Where am I going with this you might ask....my parents are ready for grandchildren. I know this. I'm 26 and it's just about that time that I get married and start thinking about a family. Would things be easy for Yuta and I? Yes, being with him would be as easy as breathing. Could we raise a family? Yes, I can see beautiful children. So what's the problem? Fear....my fear. the fear of leaving everything that I know and moving somewhere that i don't fluently know the language. I would be completely relying on Yuta. I've sort of agreed to give it a try. I'm thinking about moving to Japan for 6 months to a year. What that is going to mean for me and Yuta's relationship...i don't know. We'll have to see what happens. I want to share the advice and words that Miya said to me:

"Nothing would be different. I see how you guys are with each other. It's nothing short of a romantic relationship. I see the way that he looks at you. The way that you look at him. You guys have an amazing friendship and a relationship couldn't tear that apart. The only thing missing is the title. Don't be so scared of that. I want you both to be happy and I've never seen you as happy as you are when he comes to visit. Just think about it. It could be worth it. Explore all of your options and know that we'll all be here for the both of you no matter what."

I love her, because she always reassures me in moments of doubt. I have a lot of things to think about and I'm currently watching Yuta sleep knowing that the talk that awaits when he wakes up is going to be the start of something new. We've had this talk before, I know where he stands and now it's time for me to let him know where I stand. I'll keep you updated....

Are You...Thinking?

Someone special told to listen to this and think about it...
I actually love this song, but never took time
to stop and try to understand the lyrics. It has
a new meaning to me now... Enjoy it...

Are You...Living Life Happily? Part 1

Wow...wow...wow! This last week has been BEYOND amazing for me! I don't think I could have asked for a better week. I hate that this only happens about once a year around Christmas time, but i'm so grateful for these amazing people who I have in my life right now. My girls from Japan are here and they are lovely and fun as usual. Emiko is what I like to call a "wild child" she's always ready for a party and she is never tired. She's the only girl I know who can jump off a 13 hour flight into another time zone and emerge from the plane with flawless hair and make up! She's always on "GO" and I love that about her. Katsumi is my "quiet-reserved-sweet-girl" she is the total opposite of Emiko which is why I think they get a long so well. She's a thinker rather than a person who just jumps into things. She's our little voice of reason. She's tiny but she has such a huge heart and once you're her friend she will lay down her life for you. She always wants to make sure you are taken care of before she takes care of herself. Miyako is my little "balanced-mature-girl" she is the only one out of us girls who is in a long-term, healthy relationship. Her boyfriend means the world to her and she means the world to him. They are sincerely the sweetest couple...ever. Miyako really balances all of us out. She's not a wild girl, she's not quiet...she's in the middle. She is the go to girl for relationship and life advice and I don't know where I would be without her friendship!

My party girls! Kind of wasted! LOL

For the last week we have been going non-stop partying and we've been eating...A LOT! lol. We've indulged in alcohol more than we probably should, but we don't drink and drive and we don't drink often so it's fine to let lose every once in awhile! We like to experiment with new foods and new clubs so this week has been quite an adventure. It's Miya's first visit to the States so we've had fun showing her all the hot spots and enjoying her reactions of amazement at every new thing we introduce her to. She has fallen in love with my home and I'm so happy! 

Drinking and having fun! 

I guess a downside to my week would have to be that on Wednesday me and the girls went bowling and there was this little boy. I think he was about 5 or 6 years old. I was talking to Emi and all of a sudden I heard "hey, lady" I turned around and this little boy threw his bowling ball as hard as he could on my foot. It took everything in me not to cry or hit the kid. I don't think I've experienced pain like that since I injured my back 5 years ago. The first feeling after pain was panic. I'm a dancer and feet are important for dancing. I went to the hospital and after 3 hours I was told that I had 2 broken toes. As a nurse I knew right away that for broken toes you can't really do anything about it but tape the toes to the toe next to it and wear hard soled shoes. I've been pretty much in complete agony, but I'm not going to let it stop my fun that's for sure!

One of the gifts from my girls!

Part of another gift! It was a Harajuku Lovers file set! 

So after the whole broken toes ordeal, we spent so time at my house relaxing because I was in so much pain i couldn't even think about going out dancing or walking...anywhere. I knew that Yuta, his parents and Miya's VVIP Christmas gift was flying in on Saturday so I wanted to be rested enough to show them a good time. Oh yeah, Miya's VVIP Christmas gift was her boyfriend! Yuta and I decided to split the airfare cost to fly him out here for a few weeks. It was such a surprise to Miya. I knew that she was missing him a lot because they haven't really gone a day without seeing each other since they started dating 5 years ago. I'm glad we were able to keep it a secret from her. The look on her face when she saw him was PRICELESS! I wish I had my camera because I should have gotten a picture of it. I'm glad that she was happy and I'm glad that I was a part of both their first trips to the States. 
I'm going to leave it here for now. This is only part 1. I congratulate you if you were able to read this all the way through. I'll try to post part 2 within the next few days. It's kind of hard with so many people visiting, I have to spend time with my friends and my lovely family. This is my favorite part of the year and with 2011 coming to an end and a possible move to Japan in 2012 for 6 months to a year. I think that next year is going to be a year that I will never forget. Next post will highlight changes in me and Yuta's relationship...anticipate it :) 

Are You....Going to Join?

This is just a quick update about a website that I found out about this holiday season. It's called NoMoreRack and it's where i've ordered a lot of my Christmas gifts this year because the prices are so LOW! Click the link below to join and spread the word!

NoMoreRack.com

I'll be back sometime this weekend to update about all the fun I've had this week. Forgive me, but with 3 girls running around and 4 more people comign from out of the country. It's getting hard for me to find any time to do anything! Tis the season...eh? :)

Are You...Refreshed?

Omg...what an awesome weekend I have had! I'm feeling so much better about life in general and it's all thanks to the time I spent with my girls this weekend. Sarah, Marcy, Alicia and Kelly...my girls. We try to get together at least once every month and have what we call a "girls' weekend". We haven't been able to do it in awhile because we have all been so busy, but since I took a break from dance this term...my weekends are free <3 I want to relive every moment of this weekend over, but I know that next weekend is going to be even more awesome because my girls from Japan will be here on Friday. It's my 3 best girl friends from Japan. I met them when I stayed in Japan the summer of 2002 and it was like an instant connection. Emiko, Katsumi and Miyako <3333 I can't wait! These girls know how to party and when we all get together it's pure madness! I love them and it's Miyako's first trip to the States so we're going to make it extra special for her.  I'm spending a week with them...just us girls and then Yuta arrives on December 17th...just in time for Christmas. This holiday season is going to be the best. My house is going to be full of the people that I love...the people that love me unconditionally...flaws and all. My other parents...my best friends from here and my best friends from Japan. How could it not be perfection. Anyway, I'll fill you in on what we do after they get here. I just had to write it here because i'm so excited that they are actually coming to visit me! :) Back to this weekend....
So Friday I worked all day and Kelly called and told me that they had prepared a surprise "girls weekend" for me since I seem to be really down lately. I wasn't excited to go at first because I was tired from work, but I didn't want to be selfish so I agreed. We went to this cute karaoke bar where they serve the best sushi. I have never been anywhere cleaner. The sushi is so fresh, and I haven't found a place like it. We decided to do a private room, but it didn't stay private for long. Some guys who were on their way to their private room, saw Alicia come into our room while Marcy and I were singing and dancing to "Breaka Shaka" lolol....we finished dancing and the hostess came into the room with 4 bottles of sake. She said it was from the guys in room 308. We stared at each other because we didn't know what to do. We decided to accept the sake, but we were curious so we went down to room 308 and thanked the guys for the sake. They wanted to us to stay in their room but since the sake, most of our personal items were in our room and plus we had already started....Kelly decided that we should invite them to our room. The boys agreed and we partied in our room for hours. I exchanged numbers with one of the guys...his name was Jian...his eyes were gorgeous...really...they were bright and looked honest. We left the karaoke bar and decided to go clubbin!
We went to a club inside one of our biggest casinos here and danced and of course had more drinks. Talked to some more guys and just had fun! The cab brought us back to my house and as soon as we hit the door we were stumbling in and tearing off our jackets and shoes and stumbling for any flat surface to lay down on. I made it all the way to my bed, but the other girls didn't make it as far as the guest rooms. I had someone sleep  against the closet, another one sleep on the stairs and another one on the floor by my bed. I'm sure we looked a mess, but it was worth the horrible hangover we had on Saturday!
I would write about Saturday but it was pretty much the same thing...lots of drinking...lots of party and lots of being the social butterflies that we are! I don't expect anyone to have read this far. This entry was basically just for the purpose of looking back on the last few days and realizing how truly blessed I am to have such amazing friends that would do anything to see me smile!
Until next time....Party!

<3

Are You...Wishing?

Today was a rough day for me...I'm still having thoughts about Lee and today my mom didn't make it any better. I haven't mentioned to her that I've been thinking about him a lot lately so her comment caught me by surprise. I was on on break at work and my mom and her friend stopped by to bring me lunch since I had to take my car to the mechanic during my lunch hour. There were sitting in my office and my mom was brushing my hair and we were just talking randomly about my job and what we were going to do this weekend and then my mom just said "You know, she is going to get back together with Lee." Then her friend started asking me questions about his sister and if I've talked to him lately. It took everything in me not to break down and cry. 
My mom loves Lee...a lot. He was really the first boyfriend that she approved of and finally seeing me happy...made her happy and that's why when it ended...I hid it from her as long as I could, because things haven't been the same since. I don't smile as often...I'm depressed more. It's just bad, but how can I make it work? Her saying that simple statement nearly broke me down. If we both thought it was possible for us to work it out and adjust our schedules...then we would, but we can't see that right now. I really miss him though and I just hope and wish that it gets easier.
Two of my girls from Japan are coming into town on December 10th and I'm so excited for girl time! It will be just me and the girls until Yuta gets here on December 18th. I haven't seen my girls since I was in Japan last year. I really miss them and I'm glad that they are coming to visit me! 
In other  news..... since I've become so unhappy and depressed here and my parents are extremely worried about me...I might be moving to Japan....well, not forever ....but I'll probably be there for 6 months to a year. I'll be staying with Yuta and his parents. I think it could be a good change for me and I have a lot of friends there that can help me get out of this hole that I've seemed to have fallen into....
I'll keep you updated.....

Are You... Reminiscing?

I've been thinking about a lot of this lately...well, actually I've been thinking a lot about one particular person. I miss him...I don't miss all of him, but there are certain things about him that I miss. I'm usually not like this when it comes to ex boyfriends, because in the past...all of my relationships have ended on a bad note. Unfaithfulness...mental and emotional abuse...but with my last ex boyfriend, we ended things peacefully and with an understanding of it's meant to be...it'll be. That makes a breakup harder...when no one has done anything wrong and you got along great but things like distance and time just got in the way. How do you forget about someone that you had a good relationship with. I think it would have been better to end it with "I hate you" than to end it with "I'll always care about you" because it makes it so much harder to try and move on. 
He was the first guy really that was so good to me. He cared about what I had to say...he not only talked, but he listened. He owned his own restaurant, he was mature, responsible and stable. Everything that was lacking in my past relationships...he possessed. The only problem was that I work 6 days a week. He worked 7 days a week and there was 80 miles in between our towns. It's hard maintaining a "weekend relationship". The time I spent with him was precious though. It's the little things that I remember most....walking into his house...he would turn on my favorite show or movie, pour me a glass of wine, turn on the fireplace and then he would go into the kitchen and he would cook for me while I watched him as I sat behind the counter and we would just talk about how our week was. What we were looking forward too...what the future looked like. He would set the table and feed me first. Literally...bite by bite and only when I was done with my food would he eat. He always wanted to make sure I was taken care of first. To him, I came first and he was second. I had never experienced that before. I went from being called "useless", "worthless", "stupid" to being called "beautiful", "special", "smart" and "needed". It was totally unfamiliar territory for me and I didn't know how to handle it, but he always made me feel comfortable. Never rushed me into anything...he was kind and he was patient.
I remember the first time I met his parents. I was so worried that they wouldn't approve of me because he always said that while his parents were open-minded, they had always intended on him marrying a traditional Chinese woman. I'm not Asian of any sort so I was extremely scared. He made me feel at ease and his parents and sister was wonderful to me. I worried for nothing. In the end, they took me in and treated me like their daughter. I was happy...extremely happy. Shopping trips with his mom and his sister...talks with his dad about growing up in China. It was all so very fascinating to me. The more I got to know them...the more I loved them. 
The weekends were my favorite days of the week...something to look forward too. Dinner dates, walks in the park, eating ice cream on the bench in front of his restaurant, the hugs, the talks. Those were the best 3 years of my adult life...so far. I don't know what the future holds for us or where and when we'll meet again, but I'll be sure to always remind him that he was the one who showed be what life is supposed to be like. What being loved is supposed to feel like and for that....I'm forever grateful....

"Please don't go too far away...Please don't go where I can't see you. I may be a fool but.....I can't forget you..."

Are You...Defeated?

Today...I felt like I was. It seems like when it rains...it pours. Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong today. I've been having problems with my car. It made me really depressed yesterday to the point of a breakdown. Then to top it all off..today I got a flat tire in the middle of a thunderstorm. At that point all I wanted to do was laugh..like a maniac. Luckily my dad was able to come and patch up my tire, but I don't think I have ever felt so defeated. Let's hope I can bounce back....tomorrow starts a new week!

Are You...Complex?

Complexity...The state or quality of being intricate or complicated...I've been told many times that I'm complicated...hard to understand. I don't necessarily think that, that is a bad thing. Nothing worth having comes easy, and it you take the time to break through the many layers of brick and concrete surrounding my heart, then you're worth having in my life. People like to take the easy way...the short cut...I'm more of the "road least traveled" kind of girl. I want a challenge...I need a challenge. It's funny though, because sometimes the road that hasn't been traveled on, you find out just why no one has taken it. It's full of dirt, weeds, trash...it's tainted and polluted, but by the time you realize it...you've gone too far. The wall that once lines the road in flowers turns into mangles ugly weeds and it all begins to close in on you...around you. You find yourself trapped. Winding paths, trees that seem as though the branches are reaching out towards you. No matter how much you scream...no one can hear you. You spend what seems like forever trying to find your way out. Some people call it complexity and some people call it stupid. I haven't figured out a name for it yet...it's part of who I am though. I've been through a lot, seen a lot, felt a lot. I've asked a lot of questions and haven't received many answers. I've been really happy, I've been really sad. I've fallen, I've gotten back up. It's a part of my journey...I need to learn and accept that. Things are the way they are because they are supposed to be that way. If I can just remember that, then everything will be alright. You gotta have hope right? Without it...what is there to live for? It's okay to be sad...It's a page in your book, an excerpt in your journal, a footprint in the sand. It's what is going to make you...you. No one's story is the same. The endings are all different...some in in happily ever afters...some end tragically and some end in....Don't ever be afraid to write your story, tell your story....live your story...

"How heavy are these words? They're heavier than air..."

Are You...Mysterious?

I was always told that it's always good to keep some mystery in your life.
It used to drive my friends crazy because I wouldn't reveal every little
detail about every little thing that happened in my life...which is why some
of them are no longer a part of my life. You gotta learn when to let things go....
when to let people go. Easier said than done eh? I know....I guess in some
ways i'm not mysterious...I mean, think about it...I'm laying my inner most...
darkest thoughts here for strangers to read. Whoever you are out there, thank 
you for taking the time to read my emo words. Although I'm sure that some of you
can relate...I know some of you out there can not. Either way...I thank you...

Are You...Beautiful?

Beautifully broken, beautifully whole, tragically beautiful...just plain beautiful?
These are all forms of beauty...right? There is beauty in everything...it
doesn't matter if it's whole and perfect or broken and torn apart...you
can find beauty in everything. It's hard to place yourself in a category but
if I had to...I think right now at this moment I would be classified as.....
beautifully broken. I'm working on putting all the pieces of me back together, but
it's going to take some time, especially when some of the pieces are missing.
Beautiful is another word that in my opinion is used too lightly...guys use it with
ulterior motives...girls use it and sometimes it's filled with venom and jealousy. I'm not
saying that it's like this for everyone. Some people are genuine, but i think that there
are a lot more people out there who aren't. If you find that genuine person...the one person who
not only tells you, but shows you and makes you feel like you're beautiful..then...you are incredibly
lucky....

I love this song~

Are You...Important?

hmmm...interesting question. I don't have an answer for that one. I'm sure that i'm important to some people, but other's have a way of making you feel like you are important to them...when in actuality...you don't matter in the least bit. Those are the worst kind of people. The false hope givers...the heart breakers...people who can let lies slide out of their mouths like silk without a second thought. Those people make me sick. Do they know how much damage they cause? It's sickening and disgusting and vile and terrible! There are far too many people like that in the world. The pretenders...is what I like to call them. They pretend to love you, they pretend to care, they pretend like you're needed...they pretend that you are....important. There is a special place in Hell for people like that...i'm sure of it. The bad thing is...you sit around and you wait for karma to come around and bite them in the ass, and it never happens as fast as you want it too....or you're not around to witness it. I don't even know if i believe in karma...I haven't seen it in action, so I wouldn't know. 
I was reading Kim Daul blog and watching video's of her, and her words are troubling, and it makes me wonder how many people  fooled her into thinking that she was important and what was the breaking point for her? You can see in the videos that while she sometimes smiles and she sometimes laughs...none of that reaches her eyes. If I can see that as an absolute stranger...why did no one else notice. I guess you can't save everybody....but....everyone wants to feel as if they are important enough for you to at least...........try.

"...it's hard to change the way you lose....if you think you've never won...."

"....in the end, dreams just shatter and fall...........like rain"

Are You...Confused?

In a daze....stuck between a nightmare and a dream.
What is being offered...I should not take, but a part of
me wants to be selfish...reckless, irresponsible....stupid.
Am I crazy? Insane? I'm inclined to think that way.  I don't
do things halfway and it's impossible for me to not become
emotionally attached...but I put myself in these dangerous 
situations and each time I hope for a different outcome.....
a better outcome....only to be disappointed...more and more
each time. I should turn away...I should ignore it....it's screaming...
bad idea. Haven't I learned my lesson time and time again.....and if
i haven't.....when will I? 

Are You...Restless?

Over the last few days I've been reading an interesting blog...
Someone's last words...last thoughts....last feelings...
It's surreal and touching and sad. I can't help but try to understand why
she felt the way she felt, and what went so wrong. It's a sad thing that I 
can admit that...i understand. The world can be a lonely place, and loneliness is
the worst kind of torture imaginable. You can have it all...the world at your fingertips but
if you feel alone...none of those things matter anymore. You know, standing in a crowded
room, surrounded by many people and yet you still feel like you're the only person in the world...
it eats at you...it breaks you down...it destroys you.......it kills you. You feel invisible and it
feels like no one would notice if you were gone, because you feel like no one noticed you while
you were standing right in front of them. I'm guessing that these were the thoughts that she was
having and the feelings that she might have felt. Reading her blog and the mark she left, makes
me feel sad. Why was there no one there to help her? What would it have taken for her to realize that
she wasn't alone? It's a cruel world and you try to stay positive but that gets tiring and then you become
more lost in it all. 
I've been so down lately and I can't seem to find a way to get back up. It kills me that what i'm going
through is not only affecting me, but it's also making my family worry. I try to put on a smile and most
of the time I do, but parents have a way of seeing through things and my parents see right through me.
They have come to recognize my real smiles from my forced smiles. Happy eyes from tortured eyes and it's killing them inside that they can't find a solution. I know that they are aware of the fact that i'm not happy, but i don't think they realize how bad it all has become. I'll continue to try my best to hide it, but i don't know for how much longer I can put on this facade. Everything is bound to spill over...right?
This blog is helping me tremendously...it is allowing me to put my feelings down and get it all out of my head..but what do I do about the feelings that won't leave my heart? Every day is a struggle and the nights are the worse, because when the lights go out and you are laying in the dark....everything you avoided thinking about during the day comes rushing to the front of your mind...when it's quiet...when it's dark...when it's cold...i become....restless....

Are You...Thankful?

Wow...today was actually pretty good. All it takes is a little
time with the family to bring you back from dark times. You
think about how many people would miss you if you just gave up....
I had a long talk with my uncle about what it means to be thankful...
I'm thankful for a lot of things...I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my life and
my health.....but most of all I'm thankful for the really bad times, because when I have the good times...
the bad times make me appreciate the good times more. I have a lot more work to do on myself, I can
only hope that I have the courage to hang on and fight........Are you...thankful?

Are You......Working?

I'm not...I'm struggling with the lack of appreciation here....
So I sit behind my desk and I blog...for now. I'm sure that will change, but...
until then, this is the only place where I can say it how I want to say it.
It's the day before Thanksgiving, so i'm not even quite understanding why
we are here....seems odd for some reason. I think there are maybe 5 of us
in the whole office and a lot of us are planning to leave a little early. I have
a family function to go to later, which is going to be difficult since i've been
up basically all night struggling with thoughts that I shouldn't have and just...
feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to rebound from the "woo-is-me" complex
and realize that there are far more people in the World who have it worse than I do.
It's kind of hard though...you know? When things aren't going the way that you've envisioned
them and planned them, it's hard to jump out of that and be content with what and who you are....
no matter how much you don't like it. Things will be okay...I will be okay...as long as I let it go...t

Are You...Tired of it all?

Tired of trying....
Tired of doing....
Tired of pleasing...
Tired of being stepped on...
Tired of being looked over...
Tired of being dependable....
Tired of caring...
Tired of feeling...
Tired of not being appreciated....
Tired of lies...
Tired of tears...
Tired of existing...
Tired of being tired...
Tired of it all....Are you?

"I don't want to die inside just to breathe in..."

Are You....Sure?

Questions....and more questions....
Where does it end? Where does it begin?
I was inspired by you...crushed by you....loved by you. 
Tears are on automatic....no switch to make them stop.
Swirling in a constant pool of uncertainty and yet you ask me more questions.
How can I give you the answers when I don't know anymore. 
I used to know...I used to live inspired, dedicated....i don't know what those are anymore.
You took everything from me...my senses are dull....I never wanted to become this person. 
Take it back, turn around, fix it. I want to scream, I want to throw things, I want to feel...
Anything...something. It's all gone...I can't go back, you can't undo the damage. Why?
Why am I the only one suffering? Who gave you the right to destroy me? Mangle me?
Give me false hope? Broken promises? I tried my best. I did everything right....
How did it come to this? Who is this broken girl? I don't recognize her. 
I don't want to know her. She's a stranger...the mirror has become my worst enemy. 
Good days? They exist....but the bad days are unbearable....I gave you all the power and for that....
I'm the idiot...I realize that. There is nothing left to be said, there is nothing more that can be done. 
It's over...............................are you sure?