Last night was fun. We had some good conversations and good food. It's so nice to have Yuta here with me. I miss having him around me on a daily basis. Miya pulled me aside last night and asked me a serious question and it really made me think. I was sitting at the dinner table and I was laughing and joking with everyone while Yuta was cutting up my food for me. She declared that it was a bathroom break time and she wanted me to come with her. When we got there she turned to me and said "You love him....don't you?" I must have gave her a look because she then said "...Yuta?" I answered her truthfully and honestly. Yes, yes I do love Yuta. I love him so much it's crazy. He's my best friend....but that's not how she meant it. She wondered if I ever explored the option of something more than a friendship with Yuta. Of course I have...of course he has....we both have. The problem isn't him...it's me. I'm struggling with the fact that sometimes a relationship can ruin a friendship and I NEVER want that to happen with us. I could not live without his friendship...seriously. A romantic relationship is what our parents want us to have, but we have to do what is best for the both of us. He lives in Japan, I don't. This of course could be rectified with either me moving to Japan or him moving here. Our parents collective thought is on me moving to Japan. My parents love the Japanese culture, school system and language. Where am I going with this you might ask....my parents are ready for grandchildren. I know this. I'm 26 and it's just about that time that I get married and start thinking about a family. Would things be easy for Yuta and I? Yes, being with him would be as easy as breathing. Could we raise a family? Yes, I can see beautiful children. So what's the problem? Fear....my fear. the fear of leaving everything that I know and moving somewhere that i don't fluently know the language. I would be completely relying on Yuta. I've sort of agreed to give it a try. I'm thinking about moving to Japan for 6 months to a year. What that is going to mean for me and Yuta's relationship...i don't know. We'll have to see what happens. I want to share the advice and words that Miya said to me:
"Nothing would be different. I see how you guys are with each other. It's nothing short of a romantic relationship. I see the way that he looks at you. The way that you look at him. You guys have an amazing friendship and a relationship couldn't tear that apart. The only thing missing is the title. Don't be so scared of that. I want you both to be happy and I've never seen you as happy as you are when he comes to visit. Just think about it. It could be worth it. Explore all of your options and know that we'll all be here for the both of you no matter what."
I love her, because she always reassures me in moments of doubt. I have a lot of things to think about and I'm currently watching Yuta sleep knowing that the talk that awaits when he wakes up is going to be the start of something new. We've had this talk before, I know where he stands and now it's time for me to let him know where I stand. I'll keep you updated....
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