Not All Good

Wow...it's been a long time since  I've wrote a blog post and since I've been on twitter. I miss a lot of people. I miss those friendships. I was diagnosed with depression and body image issues a few years ago and I thought that things were getting better and for a time it was. I was planning and growing my future, but lately I've gone backwards. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I start crying out of nowhere and I'm just a mess right now.....and I feel like no one really understands...

Where Have I Been?

Hello world, I'm writing this from bed, which is where I've spent the most time these last 4 days? 5 days? I'm not even sure how many days, because it's been so horrible. I spent half the time at the hospital and the other half at the neurologist office. Now I'm battling with this nasty feeling, because the IV drips at the hospital caused so much water retention I feel like a balloon. I suffer from migraines and I have for years, but in most instances I can work through them, and they are somewhat bearable,  but Monday night before I went to bed, I started seeing spots and then I lost complete peripheral vision. I knew that meant that a migraine was coming within 30 minutes(bless auras). So I took some maxalt and went to bed thinking that I had stopped the migraine and would be fine by morning....wrong! I could barely lift my head off the pillow, I knew I needed to call off work, but my boss sent me a text message saying that he needed me in the office. I showered and got dressed in the dark, drove to work at 6am with my sunglasses on, because the headlights on the cars behind me were making my head feel as if it would explode. Anyway, I got to work and did what my boss needed me to do and as I was making my way back to my desk, I collapsed,  completely broke down and was on the floor. I have never ever in my life experienced this type of pain, and the worst part is that I felt trapped at work, because there was no way I could drive in that condition. I took another maxalt pill and called Yuta crying hysterically(which I'm sure was not helping the migraine situation). He's so damn wonderful that he stopped doing something very important to come take me to the hospital. That is where I spent most of Tuesday. I was discharged Tuesday night, but had to go right back on Wednesday morning. I was now vomiting and I can't even describe what my head felt like. It was like someone stuck nails all over my head and took 10 hammers and started to bang the nails in....at the same time. Back at the hospital they decided to give me a MRI and a CT scan, which put me in a panic, because my mind goes to the scariest place no matter what it is. I was convinced it was some kind of brain tumor, which of course was ridiculous. Turns out it started as a migraine, then I got a rebound migraine, followed by a cluster headache.  Sounds as painful as it was I can assure you. So Wednesday was also spent at the hospital ALL day. I was discharged into the care of my neurologist who has been managing(or trying to) my migraine meds, which I'm limited on what I can take, because of hypertension issues. Thursday and Friday were spent playing around with different levels of medication, and trying to get it right. It is now Saturday morning and I have been pain free for a whole 24 hours and I'm feeling so much better. I haven't been on social media much and I miss everyone. I'm just happy that I feel like I can start back living and I'm trying not to be so scared that it'll happen again. My family and friends were so supportive and caring. They kind of put their lives and jobs on hold this past week to make sure I was okay. I could not have asked God to bless me with better people in my life. I'll be back to my normal routine today which is exciting.  Well, that's the story of where I've been. Let's hope I don't have to go back!

Real Life

I was going to pass this by and not post it, but I think it's pretty accurate.

Happiness Personified

I often find myself lately stopping and saying "Wow, I'm really happy today".
It's a weird and foreign feeling, because it's been a long time.
I know that it's not only my own effort that has gotten me to this point.
I'm here because of love, strength and patience.
Not just from one person, but from everyone who means anything to me,
It's a feeling that I don't want to ever lose again.
I look forward to the time I can say "Wow, I'm really happy".
Not just today, but every single day.
What does life have in store for me?
I don't know, but I do know that I'm living.
I'm loving, laughing and learning.
I now know that you are my happiness personified.....

Extraordinary Life

This is going to be quick, but I have to get this out of my head and written down somewhere. It's almost 2am now, and I found a box of old memories. I have several boxes stored around my house. So many that I sometimes forget that they are there. They go all the way back to the awkward middle school, big glasses, clothes that were totally not cool and hair that would make anyone laugh today. As I was looking through these boxes and reflecting on what I've been through in the past couple years, I became overwhelmed by all the great people I have in my life who have been there with me during all of those awkward stages of growing up. As I looked at these plane tickets, concert tickets, trip itineraries, christmas cards, birthday cards, notes that were passed during science class, pictures of my first pet, my first boyfriend, my first best friend, my first trip to the Bahamas,  my first graduation....as I looked at these things I realized that I haven't thanked God enough for my family, my friends, people I've met and people I have yet to meet. I haven't thanked him enough for this extraordinary life that he has given me.

Be Blessed~Stay Blessed♡

Goodbye 2014...Hello 2015

This post is a little late since I have just returned from relatives houses after church, but I still wanted to do it, because I feel the need to write and reflect on the year. This year has been hard, I can't deny that. I have gone through things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I hit the bottom....hard. I felt like I was drowning and I felt alone, but this year was not all bad.  I was able to strengthen my relationship with God. I learned how to really depend on his love and graciousness and more importantly I learned how to listen the Him.  This was not without help. I've had an amazing support system. My parents dropped everything to try to help me, my bf has been so patient and understanding and my friends(near and far) have been a constant reminder of all the good that still remains in this world.

Talking about friends, I have to say that there are a few people on Twitter that might not realize it, but they play a very important role in my life and this recovery that I'm slowly trying to get through. You know who you are and I want to thank you for every kind word that let me know that I wasn't alone in my struggles, I want to thank you for every supportive and encouraging message you've sent me, I want to thank you for every gif and picture you've sent just to brighten my day. I want you all to know that I am so grateful, so thankful and so blessed to have you all in my life and I hope that we continue to help each other, care for each other and encourage each other in 2015. I love you all!

-Sierra

........

This post is just for me to let my feelings out and it's more about letting you into the darkest parts of my mind and the day to day struggle that I fight through every day. About 4 years ago I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and when that ended I expected my life to return back to normal. I was expecting to be the carefree, fearless and confident girl I once was...I was mistaken. I was able to put on a happy face for about a year even though I felt miserable. My mom noticed that something was wrong with me so she took me to a psychologist where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was so confused at first, because I pretended everything was okay for so long that I started convincing myself I was fine, but I couldn't deny the fact that this girl who was once fearless, now was scared to look people in the eye, crowds scared me, I even started seeing my friends differently and that was scary. After being put on medicine things started looking a little better, but I've learned that depression isn't something that can be cured, it's a battle I'm going to fight for the rest of my life and the worst thing you can assume about someone with depression is that they can just "get over it", if only it were that simple, we'd do it. No one would choose to lead a life of sadness willingly. I decided to write this today, because today is one of my bad days, one of the days where I find myself wondering why I was chosen to lead this life and if it will ever really be worth it. A lot of people only see what I choose to show them and the important message here is that some of the people who look the happiest are the saddest people you'll ever meet. Be kind to one another and never take your happiness for granted....

Bath Time Fun With Lush!!!

I went shopping at Somerset Mall today, and although I literally go here all the time and it's 2 blocks east of my job, I have never gone into Lush. I wasn't sure what kind of store it was, so i just passed it by. Well, my cousin decided that it was something that I had to experience so I went in and my world was rocked. I'm normally a shower girl, and when I do take baths it's more of Epsom salt, lavender and baby oil. I left out of this store and spent over $50 on bath bombs, bubble bars and bath melts. Here's what I got:

Bath Bombs:

This one smells of jasmine, sage and it has a very romantic scent to it as well as relaxing undertones. I can't wait to try it!

Sex Bomb

This one smells like pure candy so I couldn't pass this up! It has a citrus sherbet-y kind of smell. It smells delicious! Who doesn't like the smell of candy? Who doesn't want to smell like candy? If you don't...you're weird!

Dragon's Egg

Sakura, sakura, sakura! How could I not get this?!? It reminds me so much of my times in Japan during the sakura bloom, and it smells delightful. It's floral, but it's not the kind that will make you sneeze!

Sakura

I think that's all of the bath bombs that I actually got, although I really wanted to buy the Avobath that smelled of sweet lemongrass, and Butterball which smelled of cocoa butter and I think it will do amazing things for my incredibly dry skin! 

Bubble Bars:

So a little bit of info about these...bubble bars come in different scents and you can pair them up with your bath bombs or you can just use them alone if you only want the bubbles. The great thing about these is depending on the bath bomb you mix it with you'll get a different smell. I still have to discover all of the different scents, but I do know that there is a combo of 3 that smells like fruity pebbles and it's amazing! There is also one that smells like Christmas, I mean how great is that?!? haha! Okay, let's get to it! 

I got this one because it smelled like I was being comforted by blackcurrant candy! If you haven't guessed by now, I love smelling sweet! 

The Comforter

Ahhhh, the scent of orange flower! This one smells really good paired with the Sakura bath bomb. Floral yet fruity! Yum!

Pop In The Bath Bubble Bar

Nothing to really say about this, because well...you get it by now...Candy candy candy!

Creamy Candy Bubble Bar

Bath Melts:

The purpose of these are to moisturize your skin with essential oils.

This one is one of the 3 that it takes to make your bath smell like Christmas! I didn't get the other two parts, because someone told me about it after I left and I was determined not to spend anymore money.....for now!

Ceridwen's Cauldron Bath Melts

Last but certainly not least. It's shaped like a cupcake, and it's made of real marshmallow herb! You already know!!!

MMM Melting Marshmallow Moment Bath Melt

There is so much more I could say about this company and there are so many more products that I want to try. They have an amazing body conditioner and cleanser that I will be buying and reviewing in the near future. The best thing about this company is that everything is chemical free, organic and handmade which makes it some of the safest products that you could ever use on your skin. They participate in charities as well, as today I was able to purchase a "charity pot" of cocoa butter cream for $5.95 and all proceeds went to shark conservation. Overall, I was more than pleased with my visit and I'll for sure be back in the near future. If you're interested in finding out more about them or you want to order anything online, be sure to visit http://www.lushusa.com/

Until next time~